How can I (36M) convince my best friend (30F) that she is being ridiculous?

Submitted by ThrowRA-wasabi t3_11eh9cs in relationship_advice

I am a (36M) African university professor, working in the US

I met my wife (21F) through family and I went back to my country (in West Africa) to marry before coming back to the US. My wife is a gorgeous light-skinned black girl with green eyes (a rarity in my country).

I didn’t tell any of my friends in the US that I was getting married, including my African friends.

For context:

Me “Pierre”: a 36M from West Africa, a University professor in the US

Wife “Aimee”: a 21F from my country, a recent college graduate (not the same university)

Friend “Rochelle”: a 34F from my country, a University professor in the US. She and Liz are good friends.

Best Friend “Liz”: a 30F white American woman, a University professor in the US

Rochelle called me after my wedding, shocked that I didn’t tell any of the Africans in the US. I figured it was not any body’s business. She knew that I had gone back to our country to visit my family, but I hadn’t told her about my fiancee. In our culture, it is very normal for someone not to meet their future spouse in person until a week or two before the wedding.

Rochelle, Liz, and I all met in grad school. Even though Liz is white, she is my best friend. In grad school, Rochelle always pushed me to ask out Liz, but I could never be with a white woman. I do not want to be colonized by her. Over time, I realized that I was falling in love with Liz, but because of our cultural differences, there’s no way it would ever work. She is a white American from the South, though sometimes she is the one to teach me about civil rights leaders or Black American culture.

Even though Liz and I are from different countries, we have similar upbringings. We both had abusive fathers and she has a hard time trusting men.

When we would phone during Covid, we could talk for hours. She was my beacon of light. I think she’s the best person in the world.

But Covid and the loneliness got to me, which is why I asked my family to find me a wife. In my country, I am considered a little too old to be married for the first time. My family set me up with a girl, and I just had to wait until her summer after college. In my country, large age gaps are not a big deal. As soon as a girl is 19, she is marriageable.

When Rochelle texted me right after the wedding, she asked, “Did you tell Liz?”

The truth is, I hadn’t thought about it. I didn’t think it would affect Liz. “Pierre, you broke her heart.”

Liz called me a few weeks after the wedding. She told me it was unfair for me to have led her one for so long, and that I should have told her about having a girlfriend, let alone getting married. Liz said I betrayed her trust by getting married like that, as she says “out-of-the-blue”. But I didn’t even know she liked me!

I sincerely believe it is not my fault for getting married. She does not have the right to be upset when she never said that she had feelings for me.

I am outraged that Liz wants to end our friendship just because I’m married. I do not want to live without her in my life. It is unfair for her to punish me like this. I want things to be like they were.

Rochelle has told me to get divorced, since I still love Liz. But Liz is white, and I want to have children that look like me. Also, Liz has gained a lot of weight during grad school and has some health problems, and I am sure that she would be terrible in bed. Liz is pretty, but I deserve to be with someone as good-looking as me.

My wife is gorgeous and she lasts all night. Incredible passion. Talking with her is boring, but I can tolerate her enough for the next few decades.

How can I convince Liz that she has no right to end our friendship over something so small? She did not tell me that she had feelings for me, and she has no right to feel angry that I got married without telling her.

TLDR; I am a 36M African professor married to a 21F African girl. I am in love with my 30F white female best friend, and she is angry with me for getting married without telling her. How do I convince 30F she is being ridiculous?

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PermaThrowaway111 t1_jae0a6m wrote

I mean, I was with you all the way until the end. I'm sure there are a lot of cultural differences here going on but you are seriously flawed as a person. You are incredibly selfish to think the world revolves around you. You had feelings for her and had a connection yet you never think about her or her feeling? You cannot be that obtuse to know she wasn't into you.

On top of that you say she has no right to be upset at you. She can be upset at you for any reason she chooses. If she cuts you off, that's her choice. You don't get a say. And then you go on some narcissistic rant about you wanting someone as good looking as yourself all while insulting her for no reason.

She dodged a major bullet and she doesn't even know it. You sound like an awful person.

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AffectionateWheel386 t1_jae0f0w wrote

I appreciate your culture and your references to let us know where you were. However, you did break her heart, and in the United States most people do not see Black people marrying white people as colonization. It’s a very old and provincial ideal. But understandable because you’re African. So at this point, there’s really nothing that you can do your a married man now, so leave her alone do not be friends with her and just be polite colleagues within your friend group.

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DplusLplusKplusM t1_jae280u wrote

Maybe schedule a call with "Liz" and tell her everything you've had the gall to put into print here. Once she knows you regard her as an overweight colonizer who isn't as pretty as you are it'll be a lot easier for her to mend her heart and move on. All anyone can say here is that you reap what you sow. So good luck with everything.

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soradakey t1_jae3bzb wrote

If it is true that she has no right to be upset about the marriage because you don't owe her anything, then it is equally true that you have no right to be upset at her ending the friendship because she doesn't owe you a thing either.

You have every right to play the "You don't own me or my choices" game all day long. You do not have the right to do that then get upset at other people for doing essentially the same thing.

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Moon_Ray_77 t1_jae3y9y wrote

For a college professor, you are pretty dumb.

The only one being ridiculous in this situation is you.

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