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YoProfWhite t1_jabvi3f wrote

Rather than trying to take all that on at once, I would suggest pinpointing the most disruptive problem and start with that.

This isn't going to be a "one solution solves all" type deal. This is a multilayered problem that needs to be addressed in steps. What would you say is the worst part of this situation?

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o0Ambrosia0o t1_jabvt29 wrote

I think the worst part of this situation is that it doesn't feel like he takes my illnesses seriously. My eyes are bloodshot red and covered in crusty goop, but in response to me asking him to unpack the dishwasher, he simply said "wash your hands first and then you can unpack it yourself." It's the lack of empathy that worries and hurts me.

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bellajojo t1_jabw0l0 wrote

You can’t teach empathy

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o0Ambrosia0o t1_jabwgh7 wrote

I just felt like he was empathetic before covid and everything. And sometimes I can see that empathy. Just not recently. Thank you for your comment.

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GlitzToyEternal t1_jac92jr wrote

I wonder if he could have a bit of caregiver burnout? If he was good a few years ago, maybe he's running on empty.

It could be worth a conversation about how he is supported to support you - does he have a good network? Could you get a cleaner so he isn't picking up so much housework if you're not able to do things? Do you have friends or family who might be able to do some of the things he currently does to help you/your household?

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o0Ambrosia0o t1_jacaqcf wrote

He doesn’t do the housework if I’m too sick. It stacks up until it gets mouldy and ants get into it. That’s why I have to still clean with goopy eyes. He doesn’t come with me to appointments or feed me or anything like that. If he does have burnout though it’s probably from work.

His mother is kind of awful. I really don’t want to get too into it but she’s very self focused on what upsets her. My own family lives too far away to help. Thanks for your comment though. 👍

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YoProfWhite t1_jabw582 wrote

That does sound rather cruel. There is certainly a lot of frustration floating around the house.

I would say that you should attempt to do a quid-pro-quo situation. Do something he likes in exchange for a favor you want. While he shouldn't NEED to have a favor given to him in exchange for basic house chores, he may be in a mind space that would appreciate that sort of situation.

If that doesn't work, then you may need to have a serious discussion about your health, how the relationship is stagnating, and what you want to do to save it.

If he takes it badly, then you may have to weigh your options for moving on. Being in a toxic situation long term, especially with health issues to deal with ontop of everything else, is going to leave you in a place that is REALLY hard to get out of.

You're still relatively young and could bounce back from a shitty marriage. I've dated divorced people and had wonderful times. You have options, don't forget that.

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o0Ambrosia0o t1_jabweej wrote

thank you so so much for your help. I just really appreciate being heard right now. Thank you again.

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Present-Lime-1244 t1_jabx0p3 wrote

My bf is like this now so I know how you feel. It’s definitely depression. Something that always helps now is taking each other outside. On a drive to Walmart, to a playground with the kids, for some reason being in the warm natural sun just uplifts everything and having a conversation with quality time is so much more appealing! When you are feeling unappreciated it’s important to come together in a neutral setting and lay everything on the table.

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o0Ambrosia0o t1_jabx8zc wrote

Thank you so much for your suggestion. I'll try to plan something when I'm less infectious and we can enjoy it more. I really appreciate you offering your own personal experience as well. :)

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snailsniffers t1_jaccoq6 wrote

His potential depression is an explanation but not an excuse.

He can see that you're suffering but is making the choice not to help you.

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o0Ambrosia0o t1_jacdz4m wrote

I think it might be that he doesn't see I'm suffering at all, and simply sees it as my job? I'm not sure anymore. :(

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snailsniffers t1_jacesmf wrote

Have a sit down with him, explain that the chores are not just your responsibility, that you're suffering. That you're literally sick right now and he should be stepping up.

Then you'll not be able to say he doesn't see it.

I am literally unemployed due to my mental health being so severe. I still support my SO where I am able to (with reasonable adjustments and understanding on worse days). His potential depression isn't an excuse.

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o0Ambrosia0o t1_jacezs8 wrote

Thank you so much for your suggestion, I'll definitely try this when I can.

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dj26458 t1_jacga0d wrote

It’s a decent excuse, or you’re taking a pretty narrow view of what depression is.

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snailsniffers t1_jacgo37 wrote

I'm literally unemployed due to the severity of my (bipolar) depression. I understand what it is.

Mental illness is an explanation, not an excuse.

Edit to add: if he is capable of working and playing video games, he is capable of helping at least a little bit. Him struggling and not being able to 100% complete tasks as usual is understandable. Completely neglecting OP and leaving her to do all the tasks when she literally cannot see? He isn't even apologising to her for it. Anyone with depression would feel shit that they're unable to help, and would say something about it.

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dj26458 t1_jacila1 wrote

Again, this is taking a narrow view of it. It comes in all forms, not just the one you’ve experienced.

Being judgmental doesn’t help anyway. The question is how to fix it.

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snailsniffers t1_jacis1g wrote

Allowing someone to treat you like shit by saying they're depressed doesn't help either.

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armycat23 t1_jabwle9 wrote

Jeremiah 29:11-13

Unfortunately, many people wait until they try everything else, and even then would rather yield to unfortunate outcomes than do this.

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o0Ambrosia0o t1_jabwzch wrote

This is what I'm most worried about. I'm worried I'm going to have to do something drastic like threaten divorce before he'll change and take me seriously. I just don't know why it's come to this.

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armycat23 t1_jabxxuo wrote

I wish I can tell you specifically what to do, but I believe the answer lies in the needing of a new nature.This isn't a change of mind, persay, or something that can be taught. He needs to see something in you before he desires it for himself.

I didn't reference that verse just as an intellectual thing, but because I had to have my "darkest" moment in my life as well before reaching out. I also tried many vain things beforehand as well before I reached out.

And I met Him. My life has never been the same before. There is a reality and once you have that experiance for yourself....you too won't be the same.

Get right with Jesus first....then let things happen the way it needs to happen.

Whatever you do don't make a quick decision from here on out.

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