o0Ambrosia0o t1_jabvt29 wrote on February 28, 2023 at 8:51 AM

Reply to comment by YoProfWhite in Me (28f) can't keep living with my Husband (29m) like this anymore. by [deleted]

I think the worst part of this situation is that it doesn't feel like he takes my illnesses seriously. My eyes are bloodshot red and covered in crusty goop, but in response to me asking him to unpack the dishwasher, he simply said "wash your hands first and then you can unpack it yourself." It's the lack of empathy that worries and hurts me.

bellajojo t1_jabw0l0 wrote on February 28, 2023 at 8:54 AM

You can’t teach empathy

o0Ambrosia0o t1_jabwgh7 wrote on February 28, 2023 at 9:00 AM

I just felt like he was empathetic before covid and everything. And sometimes I can see that empathy. Just not recently. Thank you for your comment.

GlitzToyEternal t1_jac92jr wrote on February 28, 2023 at 11:54 AM

I wonder if he could have a bit of caregiver burnout? If he was good a few years ago, maybe he's running on empty.

It could be worth a conversation about how he is supported to support you - does he have a good network? Could you get a cleaner so he isn't picking up so much housework if you're not able to do things? Do you have friends or family who might be able to do some of the things he currently does to help you/your household?

o0Ambrosia0o t1_jacaqcf wrote on February 28, 2023 at 12:13 PM

He doesn’t do the housework if I’m too sick. It stacks up until it gets mouldy and ants get into it. That’s why I have to still clean with goopy eyes. He doesn’t come with me to appointments or feed me or anything like that. If he does have burnout though it’s probably from work.

His mother is kind of awful. I really don’t want to get too into it but she’s very self focused on what upsets her. My own family lives too far away to help. Thanks for your comment though. 👍

YoProfWhite t1_jabw582 wrote on February 28, 2023 at 8:56 AM

That does sound rather cruel. There is certainly a lot of frustration floating around the house.

I would say that you should attempt to do a quid-pro-quo situation. Do something he likes in exchange for a favor you want. While he shouldn't NEED to have a favor given to him in exchange for basic house chores, he may be in a mind space that would appreciate that sort of situation.

If that doesn't work, then you may need to have a serious discussion about your health, how the relationship is stagnating, and what you want to do to save it.

If he takes it badly, then you may have to weigh your options for moving on. Being in a toxic situation long term, especially with health issues to deal with ontop of everything else, is going to leave you in a place that is REALLY hard to get out of.

You're still relatively young and could bounce back from a shitty marriage. I've dated divorced people and had wonderful times. You have options, don't forget that.

o0Ambrosia0o t1_jabweej wrote on February 28, 2023 at 8:59 AM

thank you so so much for your help. I just really appreciate being heard right now. Thank you again.