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idkiwby t1_ja6mz5z wrote

Reply to comment by Cheebs84 in I (20FTM) can’t get over my boyfriends (20M) sexual past and I am desperately in need of advice (retrospective jealousy). by [deleted]

I see. What can I do about this?

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BangazNHash t1_ja6n9nn wrote

Not be in a relationship

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idkiwby t1_ja6nexh wrote

Sorry, I should’ve clarified. How can I mentally work through this so that I am prepared to be in a relationship? Am I doomed forever, no chance at changing?

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Mysterious_Bee8811 t1_ja6p316 wrote

I suggest learning how to control your emotions. Learn to let the past be the past. This comes from experience, from self reflection, and from growth.

Honestly, I suggest getting outside of your comfort zone. Visit/ move to another country as a long term resident. Do new experiences, like skydiving, or learn new skills like Scuba diving. Fail. Get up. Dust yourself off. Do it again.

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Covert_Pudding t1_ja6qrtt wrote

Counseling, therapy, and medicating your anxiety are all things that might help you.

Saying things like DOOMED FOREVER are the same kind of anxious catastrophizing that you're doing in your relationship. You need to take a deep breath, and then you need to get some help.

You can change, but probably not on your own, or you would have been able to work through your obsession with your partner's experience by now. It's a relatable insecurity, but many people find it a minor one or move past it. But you're stuck, and it's not healthy for either of you.

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idkiwby t1_ja6r110 wrote

Ah, that was a little dramatic. Just was looking for more than “don’t be in a relationship” - I know that’s a good suggestion sometimes but I was hoping there’d be something more instead of abandon ship when that’s the only problem. Thanks!

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Covert_Pudding t1_ja6rmzg wrote

Drama is ok! But I feel like your anxiety is really putting you through the wringer right now, and that sucks.

I don't think you need to necessarily not be in a relationship right now or ever, etc, but I think starting by talking to a professional isn't a bad call, tbh.

Hang in there!

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Cheebs84 t1_ja6ni9b wrote

Hold off on dating for awhile and just focus on yourself and improving your self esteem.

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idkiwby t1_ja6nlmv wrote

It’s going to be hard to let him go, we are otherwise very happy together. Hard to imagine a life without him. But I will have to give this some thought. Thanks!

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Cheebs84 t1_ja6nzi0 wrote

I agree, but think of it this way, there is still the possibility of getting back together one day when you have a better opinion of your self.

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idkiwby t1_ja6o9xs wrote

I wonder, is there no way to work on this while being in the relationship? I just don’t know how to bring this up. “Sorry, can’t be with you because I’m insecure.” You know what I mean? This is the first and only thing in the relationship that is bothering me, I would hope there’s some way I can manage this without ending it. I can’t imagine how I’d get experience otherwise. But thank you for the advice.

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