Maybe you're not mature enough to be in a relationship yet. I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear, I'm just trying to be honest with you.

I see. What can I do about this?

I know this is such a cliched answer but I wouldn't be doing my due diligence if I didn't lead with it: have you looked into therapy?

You're dealing with multiple issues that would really benefit from some professional guidance from a mental health professional. You've experienced the undeniably challenging battle of gender dysphoria and transition, which not many users on here will be able to truly understand. That, coupled with the jealousy and paranoia is very difficult to deal with, I imagine.

I'm in BPD recovery so I'm not stranger to intrusive paranoid thoughts. Sometimes I'd be in so much distress that my brain will keeping telling me "everyone hates you" when my eyes and ears can see that's COMPLETELY untrue. Verbal affirmations really, really, helped me through that. I write down the things I know to be true, irrespective of my feelings. I meditate and repeat them and it allows myself to battle the part of my brain that's messing with me. I hope that helps.

Not be in a relationship

Thank you so much. This is good advice. I would hope that this is something I can work on and get better at, it doesn’t actually tear at me all day every day. Just in the late hours of the night I get reminded and I’m like “oh.” And it stings. But he’s worth it. I’m going to try the writing down and verbal affirmations. Thank you so much!

Sorry, I should’ve clarified. How can I mentally work through this so that I am prepared to be in a relationship? Am I doomed forever, no chance at changing?

Hold off on dating for awhile and just focus on yourself and improving your self esteem.

It’s going to be hard to let him go, we are otherwise very happy together. Hard to imagine a life without him. But I will have to give this some thought. Thanks!

I agree, but think of it this way, there is still the possibility of getting back together one day when you have a better opinion of your self.

I wonder, is there no way to work on this while being in the relationship? I just don’t know how to bring this up. “Sorry, can’t be with you because I’m insecure.” You know what I mean? This is the first and only thing in the relationship that is bothering me, I would hope there’s some way I can manage this without ending it. I can’t imagine how I’d get experience otherwise. But thank you for the advice.

I suggest learning how to control your emotions. Learn to let the past be the past. This comes from experience, from self reflection, and from growth.

Honestly, I suggest getting outside of your comfort zone. Visit/ move to another country as a long term resident. Do new experiences, like skydiving, or learn new skills like Scuba diving. Fail. Get up. Dust yourself off. Do it again.

Counseling, therapy, and medicating your anxiety are all things that might help you.

Saying things like DOOMED FOREVER are the same kind of anxious catastrophizing that you're doing in your relationship. You need to take a deep breath, and then you need to get some help.

You can change, but probably not on your own, or you would have been able to work through your obsession with your partner's experience by now. It's a relatable insecurity, but many people find it a minor one or move past it. But you're stuck, and it's not healthy for either of you.

Ah, that was a little dramatic. Just was looking for more than “don’t be in a relationship” - I know that’s a good suggestion sometimes but I was hoping there’d be something more instead of abandon ship when that’s the only problem. Thanks!

Drama is ok! But I feel like your anxiety is really putting you through the wringer right now, and that sucks.

I don't think you need to necessarily not be in a relationship right now or ever, etc, but I think starting by talking to a professional isn't a bad call, tbh.

Hang in there!

You don't have to be an ass about it, you know what OP meant

Boo hoo