How can I (F33) help my boyfriend (M36) understand that s3x shouldn't always be about PIV?

Submitted by Stormy_Sol t3_11elafv in relationship_advice

Hello again. I feel so low coming back to this sub seeking advice for something like this. To be honest, I don't like talking about my sex life in the first place, so please bear with me here. Marked NSFW because, well, sex.

PIV = penis in vagina

A week ago, I got a total hysterectomy due to my own female health complications. While I'm feeling better, I still am working through some complications from the procedure. But I'll cut to the topic at hand now.

We've discussed having sex sessions more frequently before I had the procedure done, which we did, and it was a great time. Buy what we didn't exactly talk on was what to do during this dry spell. Because of the complications, I can not have actual intercourse (PIV sex) for 14 weeks straight. We both were devastated to hear this. On the way back home, I talked to him about it. I explained that while I know we can not have intercourse, we can still engage in sexual activities, such as toys, with each other. He, on the other hand, is against any kind of sexual activities whatsoever because he's only ever gotten to climax with either his own hand or PIV. Therefore, he's refusing any other kind of help along the way. I told him that he could do what he wanted, but I want to experience some form of intimacy with him during this time. I think some of it is just my hormones driving me crazy at this point in time anyway.

He asked me why I wanted this, and I told him it's because "I need to still feel emotionally connected to you through this time. Without some kind of sexual intimacy, I feel like I'm going to lose you." He assured me that I wouldn't lose him and replied he still doesn't feel comfortable trying to attempt any "fooling around" as he put it. I ended up crying out of frustration because he just didn't seem to understand where I'm coming from. I already feel uncomfortable with toys on my own, and he's mentioned maybe bringing something like that into the bedroom in the past. Now he just flat out refuses because of my procedure.

And before you all go jumping up on your thrones, rest assured the doctor confirmed that any other orgasms during this time for me are 100% ok. Just nothing up the vagina.

What can I do to help him understand that I'm sensitive and I still want intimacy, even if he may struggle to get off? I may struggle getting off, too, during this season. I feel that he's purposely ignoring my feelings and need for sexual validation in our relationship between the two of us. I'm questioning if he's going to even stay loyal during this pause. I don't care if he decides it's him and his hand only, but I don't want to be left out and turning blue because he just won't attempt other sex acts with me.

By sex acts, I mean oral, hand, toys, etc.

If it helps, we've been dating for 5 years now, living together for 3.5 now.

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Witch_on_a_moped t1_jaepie2 wrote

You don't think he can stay faithful to you for 14 weeks? That's probably something you should talk about. Is it that he's afraid of possibly hurting you? Or maybe he's embarrassed to masturbate together? It sounds like it's all going to be new and he's probably just feeling overwhelmed right now, as I'm sure you are as well!

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Stormy_Sol OP t1_jaeq2so wrote

14 weeks is a long time for a guy that told me at the start of the relationship "I want sex every single day." He's already masturbated 4 times alone since last week's surgery. It's been... difficult... knowing that he refuses my aide too.

Yes I'm very overwhelmed by it all too. I knew I was going to be, but the complications have made it that much more so.

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Witch_on_a_moped t1_jaeqfh8 wrote

I think with a little patience, he'll come around to needing to see you naked. I'm sorry about your complications, that sounds scary!

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Stormy_Sol OP t1_jaeqthh wrote

That is my hope, but I have a feeling he will still use his hand only.

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Witch_on_a_moped t1_jaer4lq wrote

What about if you masturbate and he uses his hand on himself while watching you? That could start opening some doors/ideas. Is he embarrassed to do it in front of you? Has he ever?

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Stormy_Sol OP t1_jaerofr wrote

This is pretty much new territory. We tried once very early on but I'd honestly never touched myself in that particular way so I was struggling. I wanted to but we'd only been dating 2 weeks at the point. I still had butterflies in my stomach knowing my friend was now my lover. But no we've not tried to since then.

To be honest, he's not embarrassed to masturbate in front of me, I don't think. It's just the game has to change so he's unsure he wants to you know? I'll bring this idea up when I'm feeling better though.

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Witch_on_a_moped t1_jaew4dl wrote

Yes when you're feeling better try again by yourself. This could bring you two closer as well!

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trishsf t1_jaepzpr wrote

He’s refusing. I don’t see many options. Honestly he sounds like a total prude. I don’t think you can fix that. If he’d be willing, I’d definitely see a therapist together because this is going to be a long term problem.

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k12pcb t1_jaerkfw wrote

Have him read you are not broken by Kelly casperson

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Stormy_Sol OP t1_jaerv93 wrote

The only thing that guy reads are work emails. I've gifted him books in the past and they just ended up in file 13.

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k12pcb t1_jaerlhi wrote

Have him read you are not broken by Kelly casperson

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Waste_Vegetable8974 t1_jaew7te wrote

Do you not do any kind of foreplay. Maybe startvthe conversation there and see if you can do the same things to a finish?

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Stormy_Sol OP t1_jaewiu6 wrote

There is some but they are always bitterly short, at least for me. He feels he cannot last long when we'd do certain foreplay acts.

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Waste_Vegetable8974 t1_jaex93w wrote

Hmm. I think that you have to get him to engage in a difficult conversation here and I'm afraid I don't know how you can start it. But you have to make him listen and understand that he's being very unfair in denying you personal satisfaction from your relationship. At least with the foreplay stuff you have a starting point as he already does that and should be willing to extend it for your benefit. Then take one very small step at a time into your new sexual world.

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