My boyfriend (23M) is done with his partying stage but I (20F) am just beginning

Submitted by area51sfailedproject t3_11ekw9l in relationship_advice

Okay so this is something that has been on my mind A LOT recently. This weekend will be our anniversary for 6 months of being together. And we are past the whole getting to know each other stage. Hell, we are even moving in together. Sorry for any mistakes regarding my spelling. I am from Holland.

To begin with his side of the story. He has been traveling since he was 20 and went to loads of parties and has experienced with drugs and alcohol already. He has seen many many countries with his friends. He is currently studying for his master at TU Delft. But the entire weekend he’s free.

In the beginning he would bring things up like: “Ooh I really would like to do drugs with you some time” or “I totally want to see what you would be like stoned”

I however just turned 20 and my 3 last years I wasn’t really that outgoing because of COVID. So now with everything opening up again. And festivals getting their artists ready. I wanted to start going out more. Going to more festivals and start experiencing with some drugs.

So I asked him, hey would you like to go with me to this festival? And he said (multiple times) “Nah, I’m past my whole partying fase” On which I commented: “Why? You just turned 23?” He really doesn’t respond anymore after that. He’s just criticizing me for wanting to experience. He says things like: “Ooh yeah because it’s ‘cool’ to do drugs for young kids right?” I just stop with the subject after that, because I’m not getting a decent answer anyway.

/sidenote. He was someone who would ALWAYS be at parties with his friends.

I don’t have that many girlfriends and I would also like to have this experience with him. Just to have done that with someone I love.

I just assumed from his past stories that he has been telling me for some time now, that he is a guy that likes to party.

If he’s not I don’t know why but that would be a bummer..

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Ohmigoshness t1_jaelyrr wrote

I went through this with my partner, I loved going out I was 21 when I met him so I was clubbing and just out all time. I would invite him but since he was older he was also done with the party part of his life. It didn't give us any problems and we were fine eventually a couple years later I didn't like going out all the time.

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area51sfailedproject OP t1_jaemgdf wrote

That’s sooo comforting to know 😅😅. I honestly thought it would break us up for some reason..

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nightowl2023 t1_jaenrwq wrote

It really depends on the people. "Clubbing" means different things to different people. For example, I would be totally find with my girlfriend going clubbing without me. I trust her, I know her interests, and I know she would never do something selfish in the name of "fun" because she is mature.

My ex-girlfriend I absolutely would not have been okay with her going clubbing. Because her definition of clubbing was booty shorts, getting high, or getting drunk. In addition to being addicted to attention.

And as you can imagine this is why we broke up.

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area51sfailedproject OP t1_jaenycr wrote

Oh that’s not a great combi no. I’m so sorry. But I’m happy for you that you found a trustable clubber now! :)

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nightowl2023 t1_jaemzi6 wrote

Well, I think that you should just express your concerns and look for a middle ground.

Honestly, drugs are stupid. And you should stop telling yourself that you need to do drugs to live life or have fun. All drugs are going to do is take away your ability to think and most likely result in some person taking advantage of you. Not to mention the various potential impacts they can have on your health.

But going to festivals and drinking with you totally should be something he should do with you. Even attending a party every now and then should not be a big deal.

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area51sfailedproject OP t1_jaeng5j wrote

I have done drugs a few times. Honestly it is not as amazing as people think. But I really wanted to do it because HE came up with the whole idea. I like a date to Sweden and watching the northern lights or just a stargazing date wayyy more than one night drugs, don’t get me wrong. But he just stuffed my mind with this one idea of us on a crazy night smoking a joint together or something 😂

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kaibelf t1_jaeq33j wrote

He had his fun, and he's now moving on to a more grown up situation. He's signaling to you that if you want to party, it means you're in a different phase of life and that to you partying now is more important than future planning with him. It's a test, but I doubt he even knows he's doing it. That said, the worst thing you can do is try to convince him to go back into partying. You'll be wasting his time and compromising his future path for very temporary reasons, and that is just wasteful. You have to decide if you prefer the man or the party.

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UnsightlyFuzz t1_jaerssv wrote

He may not have mentioned this to you, but along with lots of recreational drugs goes a lot of recreational sex. He's presumably done with that phase, and he probably doesn't like the idea of you doing it!

Maybe you two are not on the same page with regard to expectations. It may just be incompatibility.

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