I (F26) having a hard time making my partner (f29) grow up!

Submitted by Crafty_Train1497 t3_11ej118 in relationship_advice

Been dating my partner for about 5 years and I’ve come across a very ugly trait of theirs that I’m having a hard time approaching them about dealing with . My partner moved to my state from their home state within the first year of us meeting . Self proclaimed “independent aspiring business owner “ who was “in school going hard “ for all their dreams and goals . Well this is where the move was brought up because they were from a small town and I lived in the city so there were more opportunities. My partner had told me they had their own car but after moving here I learned it was in their moms name and given as gift as long as my partner paid the note .

My partner had no income initially when they came here so we survived off my income / savings for a little over a year . In that time they enrolled in a school they couldn’t afford , got a job that conflicted with the school classes so ultimately dropped out and then a few months later lost the job as well . Once this happened the truth about the car came into light . My partner had been skipping payments which was ruining their moms credit , didn’t even have a license due to multiple speeding violations . Mom eventually reported the car stolen after about $1,200 in car note debt and more tickets on the vehicle in her name . The car was found outside our apartment and towed while we slept . My partner flipped and blamed everything on their mom for “not helping “ claiming she was old and had money to pay it .

Soon after , my partner got a bill from the school for the classes that still needed to be paid for , and blew up about the school being a scam . BS since I have friends that have went and had no issues there . Years go by and now due to “ everyone else “ my partner is on job number 14 , still hasn’t invested anything or even started a business plan and now is about to quit a great job because the boss told my partner to sit up straight when in the office and then asked if they could move to a new desk….yup that’s it . To make matters worse we have to move in two months and I’m out of work and out of money due to getting injured so S/o is driving the ship for now . I feel like I’m on a ship heading straight for a rogue wave because my partner never takes accountability , always leaves an opportunity when it’s not how they would do things but won’t even fucking invest in their own shit . I’m in a hard place to because my account has been drained and if we argue they go 0-100 and might possibly ditch me leaving me to face an eviction I can’t afford .

How do you get someone to act right when they never think they’re wrong?! I never knew I was dating someone so immature until adulting got to hard for them

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Gordossa t1_jaebk2f wrote

You don’t. This is who he is. You can’t date someone for who they might become. You date them for who they are. You walked passed all the glaring red flags and now here you are. How much of your life are you going to sacrifice for this immature man baby?? Why have you allowed yourself to be treated like this?

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Crafty_Train1497 OP t1_jaedkuk wrote

Definitely not another 5 years lol I’ve felt this end coming for a while now just didn’t want to accept it I guess which I take blame for being selectively stupid and blind to so many warnings . At least I learned a lot of lessons on what not to do next time around !

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[deleted] t1_jaeaksn wrote

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Crafty_Train1497 OP t1_jaeb4ss wrote

If I’m being honest i guess it’s because I now know my gf was spoon fed ( now cut off by family except one cousin ) and if I dumped her she would be on the streets . I convinced myself once I healed I’d move on my own and help her move back home with her cousin to get life in order but now it seems her bad decisions are now about to ruin my chances of even moving on my own if I get an eviction due to her leaving prematurely . Got myself in a sticky trap trying to have hope :/

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[deleted] t1_jaebyz5 wrote

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Crafty_Train1497 OP t1_jaedct8 wrote

Your absolutely right ! I’ve been overlooking the big things in hope of small adjustments and that just doesn’t make sense . Working on a plan to move forward now ! Hoping everything goes good

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automator3000 t1_jaeekm6 wrote

>I feel like I’m on a ship heading straight for a rogue wave because my partner never takes accountability

Let's add to that that you aren't taking accountability either.

You've been watching your partner be a trainwreck for years. This isn't a recent change. She showed up on your doorstep claiming one thing and then proved to be soemthing, and then you brushed that off for five years.

Gosh, good luck getting out of this mess. Find some help and dig yourself out.

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Crafty_Train1497 OP t1_jaefb7f wrote

Yea I agree I beat myself up for that once I realized it too ! I’ve recently started taking accountability for my part which is why I’m determined to make a change and not play the fool anymore

It’s a little easier since I’ve healed to start planning action and executing but the down time gave me plenty of time to think and realize a lot I wasn’t noticing before .

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SalamanderPop t1_jaecjw0 wrote

You are 26. Best to learn this lesson now so you are trying this nonsense in your 40s. The person you are with is exactly who they are. That is the person you choose love or leave. You can't make someone behave a certain way. You can't change a person.

You have to be vigilant in your relationship to see the person you are with and ignore who you want them to be. One is reality and the other fantasy.

Your gf sounds like a liar, moocher, and layabout. You aren't going to change that. You can't change that. She is the woman that she is. The only question you can legit ask, is... Is the woman you want?

Edit: my dumb assuming ass wrote as if the other person is a man. Changed pronouns. So sorry. :(

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Crafty_Train1497 OP t1_jaee54m wrote

The woman she sold the idea of was the woman I wanted to but the woman she is in real life is far from that vision . I had to ask myself if I should stick around “help them grow “ but after all this time I see that’s not going to happen and in the process of me trying I’m getting my life ruined from the inside out .

I needed validation that I wasn’t being unfair with how I feel because in prior convos with her I get gaslit so much I mentally just leave the conversation as a whole but I’m awake now , thank you for being straight forward . I’ll be moving along without her very soon and focusing on rebuilding what I’ve lost in the process of this situationship

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SalamanderPop t1_jaefm2w wrote

I'm so sorry. I think it's important in relationships to put your own emotional well-being and emotional needs first. It's important to listen to your emotions, especially if you are a trusting person that is susceptible to gaslighting and other manipulative traits that narcissists use. Your emotions are your North Star. If you are feeling crummy, recognize it, pull back, and know that you need to deal with that first. If you are feeling happy and nurtured, run to it.

Also note that your susceptibility to these manipulative tactics makes you a really good person. It's folks that are caring and trusting and vulnerable with their partner that can be more easily manipulated by a rotten egg. Follow your feelings as they will act like an internal eggdicator (Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory reference).

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Crafty_Train1497 OP t1_jaegrad wrote

Just watched that last night so your timing is perfect for that reference lol thank you for being understanding . You’ve helped me look at this in a different perspective so that I can do better in the future . I plan on being in a relationship with myself for a while so I can better understand “ME” before I go looking for a “WE”

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SalamanderPop t1_jaemte0 wrote

With a movie that old the reference was a big gamble. I hope everything goes smoothly with whatever happens between you and Veruca.

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Crafty_Train1497 OP t1_jaepczv wrote

im crying omg lol ! never will be able to hear her sing "i want it now " without laughing now

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