[M35] I want to take dancing lessons and go to dance nights. My wife [F33] says that I either go with her or never go. Even if she decides to never go herself.

Submitted by ThrowRAma12345 t3_11efes3 in relationship_advice

[M35] I want to take dancing lessons and go to dance nights. My wife [F33] says that I either go with her or never go. Even if she decides to never go herself.

We’ve been together for quite a long time. And I’ve wanted to learn Latin dancing for at least 10 years. But she was never really enthusiastic and usually directed the convo to hip hop dancing, and then the convo dies and we never gotten around to anything. This has been going on for years.

Now I’m really interested to go, and while she doesn’t mind trying. She says she’s not sure she’s gonna like it. And if she doesn’t, and decides not to do it, then I’m not allowed to do it.

I find this to be unfair even though I understand her sentiment. This has led to a huge argument and prompted me to seek advice.

Edit: update to clarify some items:

  1. There has never been any infidelity between us.
  2. I’m asking for advice because she is really upset, and thinks that there is no possible answer from my side other than accepting that. Else I’m being unreasonable.
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Pk2216 t1_jadodb3 wrote

She does not get to decide if you continue.

If she doesn't like it, that's fine. She doesn't want to do it, that's also fine. It is absolutely unfair and uncalled for that she says you're not allowed if she doesn't like it.

It's not an argument. It should be precedent that you're allowed to have hobbies that your wife does not share. Draw the line and hold it.

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ThrowRAma12345 OP t1_jadqgmn wrote

To be fair she usually doesn’t mind. This is the first time because she says she feels jealous that I’d be close to another lady while dancing.

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Pk2216 t1_jadz1fp wrote

I get that, but while her insecurities, opinions, and feelings should be considered, they do not give her the right to veto your hobbies.

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[deleted] t1_jado36d wrote

[deleted]

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ThrowRAma12345 OP t1_jadqbld wrote

I don’t have any such history because I’ve simply never done that. She said that she feels jealous that I’d be that close to another lady while dancing.

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the-mirrors-truth t1_jadnpb0 wrote

What's her sentiment behind it?

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ThrowRAma12345 OP t1_jado12k wrote

She’s jealous that I could dance with another girl.

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DarKMuraudeR t1_jadsnli wrote

Then she can go? She can’t dictate if you continue a hobby or not

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ThrowRAma12345 OP t1_jael97k wrote

Of course she can and I’d love for her to go. The issue that caused the argument is that she says that if she decides not to go. Then I can’t go without her.

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RaiseIreSetFires t1_jadub6c wrote

You have been together a long time, no history of infidality, and she's still this pathetically insecure? Maybe she should go to therapy and fix her issues while you learn to dance. She needs to quit trying to control you and control herself.

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facinationstreet t1_jadvrpr wrote

then I’m not allowed to do it.

Allowed should not be a word that is used between 2 grown adults. She doesn't *allow* you to try out dancing. You sign up, you go and try it out and decide if you like it. If you do, you keep going. If your wife is using this as a form of control, which is never a good dynamic.

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UsuallyWrite2 t1_jadzgkd wrote

Not sure what advice you’re after. You’re an adult and she doesn’t get to tell you what you can or cannot do. She can end a relationship if she is unhappy with things but she doesn’t get to dictate how you spend your free time.

It’s dancing. No one is going to slip and fall on a dick during a dance class.

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ThrowRAma12345 OP t1_jaelpx1 wrote

Advice on how to deal with the situation. Because we obviously do not want to end things. And I don’t want to hurt her. But I still think it’s an unfair ask.

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Pk2216 t1_jaersso wrote

Just talk to her about her insecurities and reassure her. Tell her that her request is too far, but you are willing to set boundaries so she will feel better.

Boundaries for her comfort are your choice and are not forced.

She can't stop you from having a female dance partner because that may not be your choice. But

You can tell her you will inform any woman you dance with that you are in a committed relationship.

Tell her that you will make the choice not to interact with women from the class outside the class.

You can also see if their are classes that are men only.

You can see if she is willing to be there because it's something you want to do, but she does not have to partake in the class.

Present options to her and tell her that your hobby isn't her choice but that you are willing to try and make things more comfortable for her.

If she is unwilling to work with you, her insecurities should be discussed with a therapist because they are interfering with her and her partners life.

Edit: This is all a moot point if she enjoys herself anyway.

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