BriefHorror t1_jadf1mt wrote on February 28, 2023 at 5:14 PM

What specifically have you compromised on? Secondly therapy for you because you need to build the trust you have in your own perspective and decisions. If you have compromised so much is that healthy for you? Are you over stretching your boundaries and comfort for a seemingly healthy relationship? Is she fully healed from her past relationship? Also I'm extremely worried about her not addressing the children's behavior. If that escalates then you're in actual danger and you would need to leave her regardless of your feelings for her.

BoringAd2211 t1_jadi98z wrote on February 28, 2023 at 5:34 PM

I backed off on her ex attending events with the kids, and I've relaxed a lot in how I handle the kids. I've got a tendency to have very high expectations and have had to take a step back and realize that it takes time to establish habits and routines, that sometimes they will slide back into old habits, and that they're just kids.

I have only recently learned about setting boundaries so I'm still learning, but I do feel like I've overstretched my own boundaries. She's not healed from her past relationship, and from my own therapy + issues with my own ex, neither am I. She is also in therapy but it's only lately where she's made any sort of breakthrough, and she still has a tendency to cancel/move appointments because something "more important" comes up (usually work).

The children's behavior isn't actually that bad, but they will get disrespectful at times. When she's level-headed, she backs me up. But if something is off, it feels like they're allowed to treat me, the house, or each other like they want to.

BriefHorror t1_jadk59t wrote on February 28, 2023 at 5:46 PM

Ultimately you know how much you're willing to tolerate. Saying that this sounds like the classic "When its good its great and when its bad its terrible". That only lasts for so long and honestly to me in my opinion neither of you seem to be in a place to have healthy relationships. Overstretching and then breaking your boundaries is what lead to you being in the place you were in your prior relationship in the first place. Also there are definitely things to talk about with friends and loved ones and I'm not sure you know where that line is. I wouldn't be comfortable knowing my partner was airing all our fights out to other people. Will couples therapy make her more reliable in going? If she isn't actually willing to get help say another 6 months of half hearted therapy attempts or moves a set number of appointments then you might need to move on.

Edit: to be clear im not blaming you for the abuse you went through.

BoringAd2211 t1_jadluca wrote on February 28, 2023 at 5:57 PM

No need for the edit, you're exactly right. I accept appropriate blame for my abuse, because I ignored the red flags and compromised my values/boundaries all too quickly.

You're probably right about me not knowing where the line is. I was single for years before getting with my wife. I think if we go to couple's counseling, it will make her more reliable in going. And I think she'll make the effort while we're there.

BriefHorror t1_jadp94p wrote on February 28, 2023 at 6:18 PM

I would bring that up with your therapist and your wife. Willingness to work on it from both parties is good and healthy but also knowing your limit and sticking to that doesn't make you a bad person or a failure.