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When you have "sought advice" from other people, was it about the issue ("I am upset about X") or was it about fighting with your wife about the issue ("I am upset that Wife disagrees with me about X or won't do what I want her to do about X")? What kind of advice did you receive? Was it helpful? Was it more helpful than talking to your wife about your feelings?

Try to unpack this. If she still shares custody with this ex then it's in the best interest of that agreement for her to include him in the kids' activities. Isolating him from the kids would give him cause to challenge her for sole custody. If the guy makes threats then it's time to call the police. It is a breach of trust to gossip to mutual friends about your situation. This is why both of you - and probably the kids too - should be in ongoing family/marriage counseling. It's normal to need someone to talk to but since it's egregious to burden friends with this stuff (and humiliate your spouse in this way) it's essential to have a professional involved. Everyone in this scenario needs therapy. You can't control what this ex does and doesn't do, but you can control your own environment by making use of the standard mechanisms for managing past relationship baggage and ongoing difficulties. It's just never okay to air someone else's dirty laundry to their friends. Save your marriage by finding the appropriate venue for discussing your grievances.

STOP talking about your issues with people.

IT doesnt make it ok because you told her that you spoke to all these people. Trying to use that as a justification is ridiculous. You want a compromise, stop talking to everyone she knows about your issues.

Get a counselor if you want to talk about her.

It's so impossible for me to believe that you can not see an issue here. Almost narcissistic.

Why do you keep telling her? Are you telling her that so and so thinks she’s wrong or something? I just can’t imagine why you’d be bringing up these discussions to begin with.

It’s normal for people to discuss their personal life with their friends and family.

What is her actual issue with it? Does she feel like she’s being painted in a bad light?

What specifically have you compromised on? Secondly therapy for you because you need to build the trust you have in your own perspective and decisions. If you have compromised so much is that healthy for you? Are you over stretching your boundaries and comfort for a seemingly healthy relationship? Is she fully healed from her past relationship? Also I'm extremely worried about her not addressing the children's behavior. If that escalates then you're in actual danger and you would need to leave her regardless of your feelings for her.

The most clear example is the issue with coaching and the ex husband. I came to him asking him what he thought. "This is the situation. This is how I feel. This is how she feels. Am I wrong here?" My dad validated how I felt but gave me some compromise ideas that I presented to her, which have worked out so far. Our mutual friend suggested that I try to be more understanding of her perspective, and that I would need to give up my pride on the matter. My peers understood how I felt but didn't know how they would deal with the situation, as we couldn't just ask him to leave if he wasn't making a scene.

Talking to her is usually very easy and most of the time, we can come to some sort of consensus to move forward. But there are times when we just can't agree on something, and it becomes difficult to negotiate when neither will budge. When it starts to boil to one of us saying "This is how I feel" and the other one responds with "well you made me feel that way too," it's my sign to look for alternative perspectives.

Help me understand. Spell it out to me why it's such an issue. I'm clearly missing something.

Because it is your private issues with your wife. This is something between you and her. She doesn't want her business all over town with people knowing what's going on behind closed doors.

Think of it this way, if you couldn't have sex with her because your penis didn't work, would you want her sharing it with anyone who would listen?

Maybe that way you can understand

If not you are being purposely obtuse.

The first time, I told her because I had obtained different opinions and came to her with them. She assumed that I was trying to get consensus on my side, but I didn't. I'm an open book, almost always have been. I was an open book with her when we were friends before all that. This is the first time the issue ever came up between us.

The issue is that she's worried I'm talking bad about her. It stems from trauma from her ex

It affects how people she knows see her. Your parents, for example, will always have the issues you discussed with them in their head when they interact with her, and she knows they do, and they know that she knows.

I backed off on her ex attending events with the kids, and I've relaxed a lot in how I handle the kids. I've got a tendency to have very high expectations and have had to take a step back and realize that it takes time to establish habits and routines, that sometimes they will slide back into old habits, and that they're just kids.

I have only recently learned about setting boundaries so I'm still learning, but I do feel like I've overstretched my own boundaries. She's not healed from her past relationship, and from my own therapy + issues with my own ex, neither am I. She is also in therapy but it's only lately where she's made any sort of breakthrough, and she still has a tendency to cancel/move appointments because something "more important" comes up (usually work).

The children's behavior isn't actually that bad, but they will get disrespectful at times. When she's level-headed, she backs me up. But if something is off, it feels like they're allowed to treat me, the house, or each other like they want to.

Ultimately you know how much you're willing to tolerate. Saying that this sounds like the classic "When its good its great and when its bad its terrible". That only lasts for so long and honestly to me in my opinion neither of you seem to be in a place to have healthy relationships. Overstretching and then breaking your boundaries is what lead to you being in the place you were in your prior relationship in the first place. Also there are definitely things to talk about with friends and loved ones and I'm not sure you know where that line is. I wouldn't be comfortable knowing my partner was airing all our fights out to other people. Will couples therapy make her more reliable in going? If she isn't actually willing to get help say another 6 months of half hearted therapy attempts or moves a set number of appointments then you might need to move on.

Edit: to be clear im not blaming you for the abuse you went through.

No shared custody thank God, he only has visitation. She still wants him involved though, because her dad wasn't and she remembers how that made her feel. I was all for it before the kids came home reciting that I was "dead" and that he was going to "beat my butt."

What you've said makes sense. Clearly I am going to need to make some sort of adjustment here, because the marriage is worth saving. I like your suggestion. I'm in counseling, as is she, but a marriage counselor/family counselor seems to be a must here. Thanks for this.

No need for the edit, you're exactly right. I accept appropriate blame for my abuse, because I ignored the red flags and compromised my values/boundaries all too quickly.

You're probably right about me not knowing where the line is. I was single for years before getting with my wife. I think if we go to couple's counseling, it will make her more reliable in going. And I think she'll make the effort while we're there.

I would have a pretty major issue if my partner was doing that. You are airing your private business with her to...a LOT of people. They now know intimate details about your relationship without her concent. A good compromise would be checking with her first. Narrowing it down to 1-2 people you talk to or just a therapist you can go to for information. I understand her feelings on this. I wouldn't want my private things with my partner just...everywhere. Because whether they tell you or not that they won't talk about it guaranteed that some of the people you've gone to have then told other people. Because that's what people do.

I would bring that up with your therapist and your wife. Willingness to work on it from both parties is good and healthy but also knowing your limit and sticking to that doesn't make you a bad person or a failure.