Submitted by ThrowRA_Local3933 t3_11dl24d in relationship_advice

My boyfriend has always been hesitant about me going out with my friends and drinking on the weekends. We currently are doing long distance where he is home working and I am away at school. He has had many traumatic experiences drinking and expresses that he feels uncomfortable and anxious when I go out with my friends to drink. I am a senior in college and will not have this experience again after I graduate in 3 months. I tried explaining that it's my last couple months at school with my friends and I want to enjoy the couple nights I have left with them. He gets very upset and somewhat mad at me when I still go out despite him expressing that he would rather me not and stay in on FaceTime with him. Yet we talk on the phone almost every weekday. All I ask is to spend time with my friends Friday and Saturday nights. I told him I wish he supported my social life and how these experiences improve my overall well-being. It is also hypocritical as when we first started talking, we almost always went out drinking. Am I out of line for what I am asking for?

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gordonf23 t1_ja9d3he wrote

You want to go out drinnking with your friends. He doesn't want you to go out drinking with your friends. There's a very simple solution to this problem: Go out drinking with your friends.

He doesn't get to dictate your behavior. He doesn't get to tell you who you're allowed to spend time with or how you spend that time. I don't understand why you would even begin to entertain the idea that he gets to control you like this.

"Honey, we've had this conversation several times, and I understand how you feel. However, these are my friends, this is my last semester of college, and I want to go out drinking with them, so that's what I'm going to do. It clearly bothers you, so we're just not going to talk about this anymore, because I refuse to let you make me feel bad for living a normal life. That's my decision. If you have a problem with that, then you should probably find a different girlfriend."

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CephalopodSpy t1_ja99wp4 wrote

This is his own issue to work through and trying to control your behavior as a way to manage his anxiety isn't appropriate. It would be one thing to ask for an occasional check-in/update to reassure him that you're safe etc, but getting upset at you for doing completely normal and healthy activities is unreasonable. Sounds like he needs some therapy.

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ionlyreadtitle t1_ja99qs8 wrote

In a relationship with a normal, rational, mature person. No, that's not too much to ask. That's how healthy relationships work.

In a relationship with an insecure, jealous, controlling person with trust issues. Yes, that's way too much to ask for.

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MckittenMan t1_ja9b500 wrote

>He has had many traumatic experiences drinking and expresses that he feels uncomfortable and anxious when I go out with my friends to drink

So, his past baggage is impacting his new relationship. Nice.

If he doesn't like it, then that is his problem. Don't let someone put a leash on you and isolate you from your friends.

If you want to go have fun with your friends, this is the age to do it. And if he doesn't trust or like that... then find yourself a boyfriend who doesn't try to control your behavior.

What does he expect you to do? Sit at home EVERY weekend and be on facetime? That sounds like a pathetic depressing relationship.

He's got no right to be mad or upset with you.

Think about in a years time... with the track your relationship is on, it will probably go south.

Would you look back and resent the fact that you missed spending time with your friends for an ex who controlled you?

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bleep-bloop-meep t1_ja9nh8h wrote

Eh, too controlling imo. If you want to cheat you can easily cheat without him knowing.

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Successful-Sky4716 t1_ja9bt08 wrote

Imo people in commuted relationships should not be with the opposite sex while intoxicated

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gordonf23 t1_ja9ci7v wrote

Are bisexual people never allowed to drink with anyone, then?

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Successful-Sky4716 t1_ja9dowe wrote

If I’m being totally honest I’m not a fan of being intoxicated while my partner isn’t there regardless of the situation. That’s me tho. Being intoxicated has ruined peoples happy relationships due to misguided mistakes. I think if the only thing you can do with your friends is go to a bar and club then you aren’t ready for a relationship.

I’ll never force anyone to do anything but I do have a zero tolerance policy for indiscretion. Drunken kiss. Gone. Accidentally slept in the same bed but didn’t do anything. Gone. No conversation or closure just moving on with my life.

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