I [F26] want to help my partner [m25] change some habits without seeming like I'm shaming him or talking to a brick wall.

Submitted by house_ruless t3_11eia9f in relationship_advice

I [F mid-20s] want to help my partner [M mid-20s] make habit changes for the long-term without it feeling like I'm attacking him or talking to a brick wall.

My partner has a hard time changing and doesn't look long-term

My [F mid-20s] partner [M mid-20s] has pretty severe depression. I knew this when we started our relationship. We've been together for a year now but have made long term plans. But he has a lot of habits that contribute to his depression and he won't do anything about them. I also have concerns because several of them have long-term health consequences in addition to mental health consequences. These are things like poor sleep hygiene (which has a lot of cascading effects) and vaping.

It's been bothering me a lot, especially recently. I plan to sit down with him the next time we're together and he's not in a depressive episode and bring this up. I had to take notes last night because I couldn't sleep because my mind was racing thinking about all of this.

I want to explain to him what's behind my thought process when I bring up things like sleep hygiene and why I am pushing him to work on it. I want to explain that I am in this for the long term, but I want to make sure there's going to be a long term. I want to tell him that his depression is valid and real, but there are behavioral changes you can take to make your lows a little less low and a little less frequent and that's what I want for him. It's exhausting for me when he goes from in a fine mood one day to just absolutely down the next day with no warning because it feels like I'm the only one trying to pull him back out. If I can pull him back out from a bit more shallow of a pit, that would be good for both of us. I don't mind being there to support him and help him with these hard days and I recognize that when you're in a depressive episode, it can be hard to do ANYTHING but it seems like even on the good days, I'm the only one trying to make the bad bays less bad. I'm 100% willing to help him change his habits and encourage him and keep him accountable and the like. But not when it feels like I'm encouraging a brick wall.

There have been several times when I've brought up some small habit changes and he seems receptive but pretty much immediately doesn't take any steps, even if I've laid out the steps for him and offered encouragement and accountability.

How do I approach this with him without it seeming like I'm blaming him or making him feel like his depression isn't valid or that I'm nagging? I personally don't have a lot of experience with depression and I don't want to be insensitive but my mental health is also important and this is starting to take a toll.

TL;DR: I want to talk to my partner about habit changes to help improve his mental and physical health but I want to make sure I do it in a careful, supportive way rather than making it seem like I'm blaming or shaming him.

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UsuallyWrite2 t1_jae78kb wrote

The purpose of dating is to see if you’re a good fit, not to pick up a project and try to change someone.

Your partner has no business even being in a relationship at this time. They need to be working with a therapist and their doctor and focusing on themselves.

I would recommend that you end things and be one less thing for him to have to worry about while he tackles his mental health—especially given how it’s impacting you.

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house_ruless OP t1_jae8xrh wrote

I'm not viewing this as a project to try to change him, but I do want to help him grow. He does not have a lot of support in his life and I'm trying to offer him that support. He also didn't/doesn't have much guidance and I am hoping to help with that. He has dreams but hasn't been taught how to be an adult and how to chase those dreams.

He doesn't have a therapist - he had a bad experience with one when he was young. That's something we've discussed a couple of times. I think he will come around to the idea, but it's not a current situation.

This is the first time this has really started impacting me. There have been some bigger life changes recently and I think that may be why. We have a very open communication, so I feel comfortable bringing this up, I just want to make sure I don't come across as judgemental or shaming.

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UsuallyWrite2 t1_jae9d9m wrote

He doesn’t have a therapist, he’s doing nothing to help himself, and you want to take it upon yourself to “help” him. That’s a project. And as you’re not a medical professional nor a therapist, I think it’s kind of an inflated sense of self to think you can fix this.

He’s an adult. I really don’t understand why you’d stick around for this.

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Witch_on_a_moped t1_jae7t8u wrote

He's not a project car. You either accept him for who he is, or move on. What is sleep hygiene??

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house_ruless OP t1_jae9eci wrote

You're right, he's not a project car. But he is a human being who deserves support and someone who will help him learn the hard things. He doesn't really get that anywhere else right now.

Sleep hygiene is how you handle your sleep. It can be really important when you have insomnia. It's things like having a set sleep schedule, staying off of electronics right before bed, and having a wind down routine. If you have good sleep hygiene, then you tend to have better sleep. If you're still suffering from insomnia, then you can go to your doc about it and it helps because you've already done most of the things they're going to suggest you try first.

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Witch_on_a_moped t1_jae9vhw wrote

I've done the things you listed and still have insomnia. The only thing that helps me is over the counter sleep pills. You can't help someone who doesn't help themselves. It is 100% my responsibility to handle my anxiety and depression. I have to make the effort to do the things that keep me from falling in to the pit of darkness. It is not my husband's responsibility to constantly pull me out of it deadweight and all.

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house_ruless OP t1_jaebukg wrote

That's what I mean, if that doesn't work, then you can get something like a prescription or OTC sleep medication.

He doesn't expect me to do any of that, but I would like to be able to help him. I don't want to just stand to the side and let him wallow when there are steps we can take together to make his wallowing a bit less deep.

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NDaveT t1_jaea9vu wrote

You can lay things out as you have here. But prepare yourself for the possibility that he's not willing to make any of these changes.

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house_ruless OP t1_jaebim8 wrote

That's why I took notes last night. I want to make sure I say all that has been rattling around in my head and not forget something. But I also want to hear his side and have a conversation. Then if he isn't willing to even try, I can evaluate. But I want to make sure I'm approaching it with kindness and not making it a "you are wrong" kind of conversation. That doesn't help anyone, myself included.

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HatsAndTopcoats t1_jae7txy wrote

If you knew that none of the stuff that bothers you about him was going to change, would you be excited about spending your life with him?

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house_ruless OP t1_jae9q7a wrote

I'm not sure. I love him deeply and I feel safe and cared for with him. He makes me very happy. It's only been relatively recently that this has really started to bother me and I think it's because of some life changes that have recently occurred.

I know he has the propensity to change (given other things he has told me about and that I've seen), it's just hard, especially given his depression.

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stuckinamoontop t1_jaels4r wrote

i made posts like this 4 years ago when i started dating my (now) fiancée. i wanted to help her make any changes that would help with any of her symptoms of depression. i got the same advice you're seeing here.

we're still going strong because I put myself in therapy, so that I could do everything in my power to help MYSELF. cause that's the only thing i can control. it seems to have boiled down to "i accept her for everything she is/does" and i work on myself, so i can be supportive, no matter what.

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house_ruless OP t1_jaeo2u3 wrote

I'm definitely working on getting myself into therapy as well because I know I'm also not perfect. It's just so expensive and there aren't a ton of resources near us. But I appreciate your perspective, especially from lived experience.

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