I (f23) cut a friend (f23) off years ago but now I have the chance to make things right. Do I?

Submitted by finessjess t3_11egaeo in relationship_advice

Back in highschool I use to be close friends with this girl in our friend group but then she started dating this guy who was physically abusive, controlling, and just a straight up asshole all around. It got to the point where he would facetime her and ask her where she was even if she already told him she was going or that she was hanging out with us. He did this because he was insecure and didnt trust her even though he had no reason to be suspicious the way he was as my friend was always a loyal, kind, honest, and really the sweetest person. He was massively insecure. It got to the point where a couple of friends and I slowly cut her off because we didnt approve of their relationship but mostly because we didnt approve of her boyfriend. We never really ended on "bad terms" per se but I would not be surprised at all if she heard through the grapevine of our other friends why we slowly started to distance ourselves from her.

Seven years later, I got into a relationship that was bad and abusive as well. I stayed in that toxic relationship far too long after the cheating, verbal abuse, gaslighting, and all of the red flags. Yet, the entire time I was getting majorly humbled about judging other victims for staying in abusive relationships, this ex friend of mine stayed in my mind even though at this point, we no longer spoke to eachother. Ive felt incredibly guilty about leaving her when she needed me the most.

Now, this ex friend has hit me up stating that she knew we werent friends anymore but if I would be willing to send her a recipe of mine I had and that she understood if i didnt want to. Of course I sent her the recipe but I'm wondering if I should use this as a chance to apologize to her and tell her how sorry I am for judging her and leaving her at a time she needed me most or if I should just let it go as it was 6 years ago. She is still in a relationship with this abusive person and is actually now getting married to him. I have no idea if he still treats her the same but regardless, I understand now what its like to be in her position.

Should I bring it up and apologize or just let it go as shes still in a relationship with him?

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michuru809 t1_jae0ikb wrote

Let it go, you've seen no evidence she's changed- but you did. You evolved your mindset on abuse from your own circumstances because you exited a thing that wasn't working for you, she has not.

You can be kind to her- she reached out so maybe you can chat a bit, but I would say if their relationship made you uncomfortable 7 years ago I doubt much has changed. People generally don't change unless their circumstances force them to change or through a concerted effort.

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Cabbage_Patch_Itch t1_jae8dzq wrote

I wouldn’t do it. What you did sucked but sucked in proportion to your age and how much you still had to learn. On the other hand, she is still with this man. It is absolutely possible that he has grown up, all is well and the three of you will have a good laugh. It is also possible that things are as abusive as ever and you’ll set of something bad. My advice is to reignite the friendship and see what’s going on before you bring up how abusive you thought her man was in high-school.

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HHIOTF t1_jaewtvx wrote

I think apologizing is a wonderful gesture. Maybe invite her out for tea or coffee and do it in person.

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