I(F21) need to tell my boyfriend(M26) that I didn't get the abortion

Submitted by throwrajnbg t3_11ea8ht in relationship_advice

We've been together for 3 1/2 years and I recently found out I was pregnant. When I took the test, it was inconclusive, so I went to a clinic. They actually did an ultrasound and ta-da, I was pregnant. I took a picture of the sonogram and sent it to my boyfriend. He didn't want to add his own input and didn't want to influence any decision I had. So I chose an abortion, and thought it was the right choice given where I am in life.

I'm there, sitting in the waiting room, and literally 5 minutes before my name was called, the picture pops up on the side home screen. I stared at it for god knows how long, and they just kept calling my name, but my legs couldn't move. My boyfriend came to pick me up, and I told him nothing. Absolutely nothing. He just assumed I was tired, stopped talking, and dropped me off. This was 4 days ago. We haven't spoken (I haven't responded) for 4 DAYS. I told him I needed a little space, and he's respecting that. He still thinks that I went through with it, and I didn't. I couldn't do it. It was so weird, I've known about this appointment for 2 whole weeks, and didn't feel really anything about it, but then that picture came and changed everything. 10 weeks and my lower belly started sticking out. I have to tell my boyfriend, but I don't even know where to begin.

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UsuallyWrite2 t1_jacwji6 wrote

That’s a tough spot. He’s probably having some feelings too since you two haven’t talked.

If you are certain that you want to pursue this pregnancy, you need to just tell him. But that doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy or that he’s going to stick around necessarily.

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throwrajnbg OP t1_jad0w0j wrote

Yeah. We're usually very good at this---communication. I feel at ease to tell him practically everything, but this time around it wasn't the case. I will tell him, and especially by tomorrow.

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WildlifePolicyChick t1_jacxipa wrote

Welp, you need to get your shit together. Picture or no picture, you have a narrow window of time if in fact you want to terminate.

You only have so long until you cannot have an abortion (laws vary). Go to/look up Planned Parenthood for unbiased support and guidance. If you do have the baby, you'll have to decide whether to keep it or put it up for adoption. If you do decide to deliver, you need an OBGYN, pre-natal care, if you smoke or drink you must stop, etc. Look up whatever maternal leave your job allows so you can get a sense of how that's going to play out.

What your boyfriend thinks is the least of your worries right now.

Good luck OP.

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throwrajnbg OP t1_jad020v wrote

>Welp, you need to get your shit together. Picture or no picture, you have a narrow window of time if in fact you want to terminate.

95% of me is saying that I won't get the abortion anymore. The only other 5% is based on how my boyfriend reacts. So the next step is ultimately telling my boyfriend because I already know how I feel about this, which I will do soon.

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WildlifePolicyChick t1_jadadhd wrote

If only 5% of your decision will be influenced by your boyfriend, that's de minimus. It's a consideration not worth considering if you are 95% sure you are going to have it. That said, you'll have to tell him of course because he/you two will need to figure child support and custody (if you decide to keep the baby), or giving up parental rights (if you put it up for adoption). You'll also BOTH need attorneys.

Get an appointment with your PCP as soon as possible if you need to find an OBGYN. Tell boyfriend, "BF, I decided against the abortion. I'm going to have the baby."

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throwrajnbg OP t1_jadd63h wrote

I don't think that's what the conversation will be about--assuming if we stay together. More like finances and preparation rather than custody and child support. If we break up, sure, but for now I just want to tell him and see where his head is at. He's a lot more skilled at this adulting thing than I am, given that he's graduated years ago and has a good paying job, so hopefully his reaction will be a lot more better compared to a college student (me, last year)

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WildlifePolicyChick t1_jadtw47 wrote

It doesn't matter if you stay together. Child support is child support.

And 'finances and preparation' IS 'custody and child support'. You are very young but come on OP.

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throwrajnbg OP t1_jae1m7w wrote

Custody usually refers to a child living in separate homes when their parents are separated, you and I both know that. Child support usually refers to money given by a parent to another parent in order to support the child when the parents are not together, you also know that. Sure, finances and preparation means custody and child support, but you used terminology that is generally used for separated parents while I used terminology that is generally used for parents that are together. Regardless of what you meant, you phrased it in a way that the general public would assume that it be applied to separated parents.

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code-sloth t1_jaerpcv wrote

You two are going to be separated parents. That's the point.

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throwaway2161980 t1_jacxhxt wrote

You just be honest with him. You thought you could go through with it, but at the clinic froze and now aren’t so sure. He deserves to know the truth. It’s a pregnancy, not something you can pretend isn’t happening.

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throwrajnbg OP t1_jad1yrf wrote

Right...cause it is happening. I mean I know it's happening. I bought prenatal vitamins for the first time yesterday, it's happening and I need to include my boyfriend in that. I think I'll ask him to come over today.

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trishsf t1_jacwko0 wrote

You start with I didn’t get the abortion. Do it in person. He deserves to know this and he sounds supportive. It’s his baby too. Congratulations 🎈

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throwrajnbg OP t1_jad07m4 wrote

He is supportive and very loving. I just wish I knew his stance on it, what did he want me to do? In this case, I would like for his opinion to influence my decision, despite him thinking it was best if it didn't. I thought so too, but that was before.

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Lithogiraffe t1_jadb8is wrote

Yeah there's literally no additional advice that we could all give you besides-- Tell him. What you were knowing that you have to do anyway. Where do you start? Literally that you didn't go through with it. That's where you start.

But this is pretty heavy conversation you're about to drop on him. However he reacts initially, give him a little space to get his thoughts and feelings in order. You might not be able to have the full conversation All at once with a United decision right then

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RaiseIreSetFires t1_jacywe2 wrote

Just tell him you made your choice to keep your baby and start preparing to be a single mom. Child support will take awhile to kick in, if he signs the birth certificate, then a court ordered paternity test takes longer so, I hope you're housing and financially stable. Save as much as you can now for childcare so you can return to your job as soon as possible.

Hopefully he'll step up and you can properly co parent. Even though you have made this choice without any communication or discussion, have lied for weeks, and have given him the silent treatment. (All great signs of a truely responsible, mature, intelligent adult that should be trusted to raise a functional human) The sooner you stop with the games, put on your big girl panties, and tell him the more you can plan.

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throwrajnbg OP t1_jad0cbj wrote

It wasn't weeks, it was 4 days ago. I said I made the appointment weeks ago.

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CatelinaBaylorfan t1_jad2qtd wrote

Honestly, text him that you weren't to go through with it. Let him process before you talk to him in person.

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Friendly_Shelter_625 t1_jad3sq2 wrote

Just tell him. You won’t be able to move forward until he knows.

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