My (38F) half-sister makes me (30F) feel like a distant relative

Submitted by Witty-Grocery-3092 t3_11dtrzl in relationship_advice

I have a sibling that I share one parent with. I did not really see them that much growing up because they lived maybe two hours away, but I did spend quite a bit of time around them. I grew up seeing them every other wee-end. Within the past few years I have realized that my sibling is closer to their cousins that are on our non shared parents side than with my family and I.

I feel like they are the siblings and I am the cousin.

At an event recently for my sibling, my sibling whom I never see probably more than once or twice a year (despite being a few hours away) seated all their cousins close to them and placed my siblings and non shared parent at a far away table with a bunch of strangers. It made me feel kind of weird. They also hardly spoke to me.

My sibling recently announced they are expecting and I have this looming doubt that I will even be in this child’s life as it will likely center around the cousins whom they all see each other very frequently.

I have even thought why should I bother putting anything into a relationship with this baby as it likely will have zero relationship with me and will see it’s cousins as it’s aunts and uncles.

Tldr: my half sibling seems more focused on their relationships with their cousins than their actual siblings.

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pinback77 t1_jaarb82 wrote

Sounds like your half-sibling found other family members she relates to better. That's life. It's wonderful if you can be close to someone in your family, but it's not a given. If you need to spend some time with your half-sibling, call her up and ask to do something just the two of you instead of meeting at these gatherings with lots of other people around.

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Witty-Grocery-3092 OP t1_jaasejy wrote

Our shared parent puts a lot of effort in wanting to see her and has get togethers with her. There is also a shared element (a trust fund) that my sibling has with her cousins. My parents say it bonds them. But yes I should put effort in like my parent does.

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minizookeeper t1_jaauabl wrote

Unfortunately for you, she's not obligated to any particular relationship with you. She's an adult and she's allowed to be as close with or as distant from you as she wants to be, just like you're allowed to do the same with her. Do you reach out and try to connect? If not, it might be worth a shot if you want to be closer and want a real role as an aunt - connections take effort. But also, with 8 years between you, she was old enough to potentially feel like you were her replacement to her shared parent or other similarly resentful feelings, which aren't uncommon for half siblings raised in different houses, but at the time she was not old enough to really be understanding about the shared parent building a new family and that might still be where she's at with you.

Only you can really decide if trying to build a relationship with your impending nibling makes sense. I can tell you that you never really know where personalities will fall and connections will be made. But also, if you're going to bring any bitterness about the lack of connection with their mom into it, I wouldn't bother - kids can sense that kind of thing and it won't end well. Only try to connect if it's something you genuinely want to do and you aren't going to be resentful if you're not as close to their family as the cousins on the other side. If you try to get involved, get involved because you want to get to know your nibling as a person - you want to see them grow up, find out who they're going to be, support them through their hard times, and be someone they can go to if they feel like they can't go to their parents. Connect because you want to invest in them, protect them, and celebrate them. Not because you feel some weird half assed obligation to show up randomly because you share a parent with their parent - neither you nor they need or want that.

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kaibelf t1_jaauqpx wrote

I’ll be blunt here: just because you are more closely related does not mean you are automatically closer as people and your closing line about being “actual siblings” says it all. They obviously get along better with each other, and that’s fine. You’re not automatically entitled to be a feature in their lives just because of your parents. If anything, what I get from your post is that you seem to resent that “your sibling” is close to “their cousin” as if it somehow needs to be about you. You mention that you see this person once or twice a year. Why wouldn’t they (and the coming child) be closer to the people they see very often and who they enjoy life with day to day, “actual sibling” aside?

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Witty-Grocery-3092 OP t1_jaav8e0 wrote

Then there’s no point in being in this child’s life if she makes no effort to be in mine.

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kaibelf t1_jaaxcu4 wrote

Correct, and therein lies the conundrum for you. Are you wanting to be in the child’s life simply to be in it (even in the periphery), or was that conditional based on how much your half-sister engages you from the start? You have to decide what “the point” was in the first place, and act accordingly.

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