My fiancé (27m) is cold and distant after a fight with me (25f) and it’s causing me so much anxiety. How can I fix this

Submitted by Ok-Independence-3193 t3_11emprc in relationship_advice

Fiancé is distant after a huge fight, says he is trying to work through everything

Me 25f and my fiancé 27M got into a huge fight a few weeks ago and ended up splitting up. I have a bad habit of whenever I am upset with him I pack all my shit and leave. I did this again and he told me this time he wouldn’t take me back. I’m 27 weeks pregnant and it’s been a rough pregnancy. I’m hormonal and the argument was because he went to his sisters house til 1am (i stayed home because i was very tired) and I had to go to the ER for something and he wasn’t there. I was upset but he couldn’t have known I was going to go to the ER. Regardless I got mad and packed my stuff and left and he told me to stay gone because he’s tired of chasing me. I went off on him and we exchanged unkind words with each other. I threw my ring.

A couple weeks went by and I realized I should not keep packing my stuff and that my behavior lately has been impulsive and completely emotional. I started medication for this and did some self reflecting and we tried to work things out between us because this is the first time where I’ve taken responsibility for an argument. Usually he does. It was a wake up call for me. He is no longer affectionate, communicative about his feelings, he’s distant. Today he texted me and said “I know I’m distant right now but I want you to know I am really trying to work through everything.” He is cold and emotionless, not like himself. It’s giving me so much anxiety that my OB started me on medication because I quit eating for weeks and lost 12 lbs. I know he cannot help how he feels and how he reacts. I’ve been in his shoes where I am distant at times, you can’t help how you feel. How can I help him work through it? I feel right now I am too clingy and affectionate. What can I do to make this better?

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Phlanix t1_jaeylbb wrote

I went through something similar in the past she would always hang the threat of leaving when ever an argument didn't go her way.

You don't know how much damage you do to the person who loves you the anxiety it puts on them apart from feeling abandoned.

now that it happened to you it feels terrible doesn't it? arguments should not be the reason you leave every time.

If he loves you then give him time, also try and slowly fix the issue. no one wants to be in a relationship where the person can easily pack and leave every time.

He is at his sisters house not at a club or meeting some random woman. let him stay as long as he wants. my wife had a similar problem my brother and I are of similar age 1 year apart his house is about half a mile from mine so like a kid I ride a bike and stop by.

I drink and play pool or we play video games like kids we don't do it everyday, but it is often 1-2 times a week.

her problem was me coming home 1-2am which to me doesn't matter all that much im not doing anything bad. specifically since I do spend a lot of my time with her and even when we are both home she makes herself busy doing something she likes which is talking on the phone with her friends or playing a game which leaves no space for me to come an interrupt her it would probably bother her at the time.

otherwise we spend a lot of time together. she let the argument go since everyone told her it shouldn't be a big deal her friends know me and know I am not the type to go messing around.

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Ok-Independence-3193 OP t1_jaez6fe wrote

I appreciate this insight. I know he had no way of knowing that I would go to the ER that night but it hurt me so much being alone and receiving this news about our daughter, and having nobody with me

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Ok-Independence-3193 OP t1_jaez1ik wrote

I wasnt upset about him going to his sisters - I was upset that he got too drunk to come up to the ER and I had to bear the news that our daughter may not be viable outside the womb. It was rough.

Since my relationship with my sons father (abuser) I have always thought leaving and protecting myself from hurt was the solution. It isn’t and I feel so horribly that I’ve made him feel this way in the past.

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ionlyreadtitle t1_jaewoh5 wrote

You help him by leaving him alone to let him get through this on his own.

You are very manipulative and selfish.

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Ok-Independence-3193 OP t1_jaewwga wrote

I had to bear the news alone that our daughter may not survive outside the womb and he was too drunk to come to the hospital. I think I had a right to be upset. But my reaction was not ok.

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ionlyreadtitle t1_jaf1xei wrote

But it wasn't a one-time thing.

You said every time you fight your go-to move is yelling, then packing your things, then leaving.

You can only bend a stick so much until it breaks. And you bend the hell out of your fiancé until he broke.

You now have to deal with these consequences. You have to let him heal. And you trying to bend him more will not fix this. You need to let him fix it.

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derangermouse t1_jaewp9e wrote

Give your fiancé some space and time to process his feelings. It’s normal to be distant and cold after such a heated argument, and pushing him to be affectionate or communicative might only make things worse. Instead, show him through your actions that you are committed to making things right.

Let him know that you're willing to listen to him when he's ready to talk, but don't pressure him to open up before he's ready.

Until then, focus on taking care of yourself and your baby.

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Ok-Independence-3193 OP t1_jaexitm wrote

Thank you. I feel like these pregnancy emotions are ruining my relationship. I’m so reactive lately but the medication I started has helped a lot. I don’t get upset so easily anymore. I’ve kind of just let things go at their own pace. Things are better but I can tell this time, I hurt him.

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derangermouse t1_jaexsak wrote

Just be honest with your fiancé and remind him that you’re aware of your emotional situation and are working on it

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