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You did the right thing in telling him. He can now be a better support since he's in the loop of what's going on.

>I feel like i have to support my bf too and make sure i am “happy” even if i am not on the inside when i do see him again

That's just being in a relationship. You support each other.

Stay in therapy. You seem like you're suffering from clinical depression. Stay safe, OP.

You should support him.

You should NOT support him by being "happy". That's a really shitty idea.

If you put on a happy face and pretend, that'll make you feel isolated, lonely and perhaps more suicidal.

You don't want that, and he definitely doesn't want that. You deserve love, you deserve to feel seen and heard. You don't deserve to have to deal with your mental problems yourself.

Don't punish yourself for being open with him, that was super fucking brave of you.

Personally, even though the age difference is only 10 years, this man is grooming you. I don’t believe on your own that you want to have other partners I think you want to fall in love and be with the person you love. And I think some of your distress is because he is pushing you so that he can cheat when he’s gone and make it legal so you have to deal with it. You need to get out of this relationship. Your suicidal thoughts though probably have origins in other things previously are due to stress of living in a way you don’t really want to live. And I’m not sure if you’re even aware of it.

Thank you

I know that pretending to be happy when i’m not is not the best. I just am worried that if i don’t portray “happy” it might it seem like i’m always a downer and he wouldn’t want to be with me. But i also understand he would just get frustrated later on if he found out that i wasn’t actually happy.

But thank you for your supportive words. I’ll do my best..

Thank you for your thoughts. I definitely don’t want to be in something like a poly relationship, but am open to exploring on an occasional basis but i did not see it as becoming a regular “friday night event” kind of thing. I do agree, the suicidal thoughts probably came from a culmination of a lot of pressure of different things (possibly a lifestyle i do not want).

Thank you for insight. Me and my bf are going for couple’s therapy and we’ll see how it goes from there. I personally do not think it was so that he could cheat. I trust him when he said it was not his intent. And if he wanted an open lifestyle, he could well able to break up with me and live a more open lifestyle as a single guy.

Suicide is pretty severe, and then my experience poly relationships are exactly that. It gives one person in this case I believe your boyfriend, the ability to go outside of the relationship, whenever and wherever with whomever he wants I wish you the best of luck. Please take care of yourself and I’m gonna tell you it’s not worth it. These relationships never developed into a deep and meaningful abiding love