I think I might be poly? (M34 - F32)

Submitted by throwRA-43142 t3_11efghw in relationship_advice

Okay.. to start with, I'm sorry if I ramble a bit in this post, I have a lot on my mind and a lot of feelings I've never expressed so.. I'm kind of doing so here. I do plan to speak to a therapist about all this soon.

TLDR: I think I'm finally admitting to myself I am polyamorous but I know my wife is not, and idk what to do with this information, if anything.

Anyways, I have been with my beautiful wife, whom I still find attractive in many ways, whom I love to ends of the earth and then some, she is the mother of our children and just a wonderful, kind, warm soul...

However..

Over the years it's become increasingly obvious to me that I am strongly attracted to more than just one person, and I don't mean a "crush" or "oh she's cute/hot" sort of fleeting, visual attraction...it's deeper than that.

I guess the things I'm adding up into my head that make me feel like maybe I'm in fact polyamorous are:

  1. I don't know how to explain really, but it's like my heart just gets attached to so many of the women I meet. I never act or even speak on them, but I get deep crushes very quickly and easily. I am in a committed monogamous relationship, and I have a lot of respect for women in general, so I don't flirt, I'm very quiet and reserved in general, so this isn't difficult usually. For example there is a barista at my favorite coffee shop who loves art and we always talk about it, I think she's absolutely beautiful and charismatic and if I were single I'd have asked her out months ago. Another is a client who came into my art studio (my side gig), she was very witty and impulsive, not at all like me, and I felt so caught up in her energy I just wanted to go on romantic adventures with her right away. (Again, in all of these type of circumstances I am never less than professional or courteous, I make small talk like anyone, but I don't flirt these are just my feelings.)
  2. I have always felt just a little bit trapped in marriage, I chalked that up to how young we got married (22 & 21) and that we got married because I got her pregnant and we decided to commit. I thought that "well it's normal to feel that way, probably everyone does at least a little sometimes" and just decided I should push those feelings aside as intrusive and not give them any of my energy.
  3. Recently my wife had a friendship with a man that started bordering on more than that. She quickly admitted to me that she was on the boundary, if not a bit over, that she had feelings for him, and she backed way off and ended that friendship on her own accord. She never hid anything from me, and at worst it got borderline flirtatious... She thinks I've been really understanding and forgiving but the truth is... it never bothered me. I even felt weird, or that I should feel more jealous, but I just.. couldn't. The hypothetical thought of her even going on a date with him or even sleeping with him didn't bug me, just the thought of her lying about it did.

I guess I'm just asking for advice on what I should do with these feelings.

I don't want to end my marriage, by any stretch, but I know beyond a doubt that my wife would not be open to that kind of relationship, that isn't the values that either of us grew up with, and I feel so conflicted inside on even having these thoughts.

Are there any poly people who are in long term mono relationships? Does it work?

Am I just going to have to bottle these feelings up for the rest of my life?

Based on those few criteria is that even what these feelings are or am I just an asshole who needs to keep his heart in check?

Any input appreciated, thanks.

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MaineSky t1_jadpxqv wrote

>I don't want to end my marriage, by any stretch, but I know beyond a doubt that my wife would not be open to that kind of relationship

And there it is. You made a monogamous vow to someone, for better or worse, till death do you part. To her alone. And she did for you. Yes?

If you suddenly want to change the basic tenets of that agreement, and she does not, then you're looking at divorce. I mean, it's that simple.

​

>she had feelings for him, and she backed way off and ended that friendship on her own accord. She never hid anything from me, and at worst it got borderline flirtatious...

So... she's a good person, and knows how to deal with passing crushes like a mature married person.

There is so much more to polyamory than the supposed permission to sleep with your random crushes. It's sad to watch these middle aged people leave happy fulfilling marriages in pursuit of greener pastures, claiming a newfound interest in 'polyamory', only to be slapped with reality the second they actually try to pursue these passing interests.

That barista is likely just being nice- it is likely she does not want to sleep with you. You're just going through a panic at 34 imagining all the women you could be sleeping with, not realizing your best case end-goal would be to find an amazing woman to marry. ....Like you already have.

Sounds to me like you're hitting your midlife crisis a little early tbh.

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DetailGail t1_jadr81p wrote

You don't come out as poly like you're gay. It's a lifestyle choice, almost like being a nudist. Many people are attracted to other people outside of their marriage, its normal, but that's why it's called commitment. I could leave my husband right now and start something with someone else, but in our committed monogamous relationship, I don't stray. Sounds like your wife is not going to be open to a poly relationship, and I don't blame her. I think it'll turn into a hot mess and end in divorce. You'll have to figure out what's more important to you.

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Biauralbeats t1_jae7hen wrote

It strikes me that these are superficial relationships that you are equating to love or loving feelings.

You don't know these women. You only see a glimpse of their life.

These women do not know you. They only see a glimpse of your life.

Therapy is a good start.

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throwRA-43142 OP t1_jae9nic wrote

Replying to MaineSky (#2,116,482)

I want to be clear that I'm not intending to

A: ask my wife to change anything about our relationship or "let me" try anything new

B: sleep with any "random crushes"

It's not even about just sleeping with others or sex in general, and the examples I gave are maybe not the best, there are others whom I know on a much more personal level that I also have deep feelings for. It's not purely lust, I know the difference.

That being said.. maybe you're right about the mid-life crisis part, that kind of touched a nerve, and I should examine that.

Maybe I'm just feeling stuck in my marriage and this is causing me to romanticize things more than the reality would be.

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throwRA-43142 OP t1_jae9twq wrote

Replying to DetailGail (#2,116,900)

Just to be clear I have 0 intention of "trying" anything or even asking her about it, I know she won't be open to it, I'm just trying to sort out my own feelings.

I have no intention of straying

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throwRA-43142 OP t1_jaeaawr wrote

Replying to Biauralbeats (#2,122,235)

That's totally fair! I hadn't thought of that.

Maybe a better example then would be a couple of close friends that my wife and I have, both of whom I know personally on a much deeper level than the examples I gave, and both of whom I've known for years.

I have strong romantic feelings for both of them, one of them enough that my wife actually picked up on it a couple years ago and we had that talk, I assured her I had no intention of straying and it was just an attraction and it didn't cause any further insecurities or troubles in our marriage beyond that.

I have never been inappropriate with either of these women beyond normal things friends do, such as the occasional dirty joke or "that's what she said" nonsense.

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Pale_Height_1251 t1_jaf1gyh wrote

Being poly isn't a sexuality that you might or might not be. It's a choice.

You want to have sex with other people, whether that's important enough to you to discuss with your wife is up to you.

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