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TimelyFortune t1_jac21do wrote

Yeah probably not a good conversation to have

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Andyboro80 t1_jac2583 wrote

I don’t think that anything positive comes out of these discussions, for anyone, ever!

You’ve already alluded to how it could cause issues, so unless your intention is to cause an issue, I’d avoid it.

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IDryFly127 t1_jac2f2z wrote

Should I ask her to not discuss the past? I'm not trying to hide anything at all. I'm just worried she'll continue making random comments which could hurt if I don't say anything.

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Andyboro80 t1_jac2neq wrote

If it were me, I’d frame it around the past being exactly that, how happy you are with the present and how what’s been and gone doesn’t matter. I’d want to make it as non-confrontational as possible, while still making the point that I don’t want to know.

If that makes sense..

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IDryFly127 t1_jac2wu6 wrote

I understand what you're saying, and can definitely frame it that way without upsetting her. Thank you!

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Agile-Ad-1182 t1_jac2y87 wrote

From my own experience of 26 year marriage, yes, you should absolutely dsicuss it and both of you shouold be absolutely transparent. Then both of you need either accept each other or end it and if you do accept it then never bring it up again.

If you do not discuss it it will haunt you forever like it did in my marriage until many many years we did discuss it and it was more painful had it been before we got married.

Nothing, absolutely nothing in a happy healthy marriage should be a taboo. Complete openess is a prerequisite t oa happy long marriage.

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IDryFly127 t1_jac3ngu wrote

How does that conversation happen? How many people have you slept with seems like a bad way to start a conversation.

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Paranoia_Pizza t1_jac4qla wrote

I think she's already aware that if you found out how many people she's been with you'll leave her. Which from what you've posted here is a very real possibility, that's why she's asked you so pointedly.

To me body count just doesn't matter at all, you could have slept with 6 or 600 people and it makes no difference (although I'd be curious about the 600 lol)

I think you need to gey your head straight before you have the conversation - if it isn't an "acceptable" number to you what are you going to do? If she genuinely doesn't know what are you going to do?

And then I'd just say, look let's just get an awkward conversation out of the way, how many people have you been with? And go from there.

Anecdotally though, everyone I've met with a low number of sexual partners has had really messy divorces and regretted marrying with so little experience. All my old ho friends (and me!) Are much happier/secure in our relationships. So I just wanted to pitch it's not always black and white :)

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Agile-Ad-1182 t1_jacf1sf wrote

It was the most difficult conversation of our entire marriage. finally, after 10 years of being married I found courage to ask her more or less straight. And some information was rather hurtful to me. It did not change how much I love her but I wish we had had this conversation before we got married.

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therealcosmicnebula t1_jac6vpd wrote

I think it should be discussed if other people know about it and it can be publicized at a later date.

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mercifulalien t1_jac4ynv wrote

For some people, it's an easy discussion because there is no issues with things like retroactive jealousy or feeling like their partner is...ahem... "used", for others it's felt to be a required topic for whatever reason and then sometimes they allow it to eat away at their relationship - be it retroactive jealousy or the aforementioned "used", or simply to see if the other person aligns with their outlook on it all - which can also cause the relationship to fall apart due to differing morality, values, what have you.

If you genuinely feel that the past is the past and have no desire to allow it to dictate your future, then I would suggest not talking about it. To what end would it serve in this case? You already know she has slept with more people than you have.

I would just tell her that you would not be comfortable with the topic and thar the past is the past and you aren't going to judge her for it.

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NotTrynaMakeWaves t1_jac5pi8 wrote

Oh my good lord, NO

Nothing good will come out of that conversation. You do not need anything else to fixate on. Just accept that she's happy to be with you.

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eyecicey t1_jac76tx wrote

Look the answer is no you shouldn't but of course you should

Even if you both agree not to discuss the past which is very difficult , if you meet someone later who new her back then and they say something like "ooh man you should have seen her in college " it's going to grind on you all over again.

Our past helps shape us , good or bad.

I mean has she cheated on anyone before , did she use protection before , what's her stance on abortion .... All things you should know and she should know about you and unfortunately sexual history is one of them.

Now this doesn't have to be a one hit conversation but as you date certainly things you should understand.

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