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Jorhay0110 t1_jae5nqu wrote

Everyone has a past and it’s likely that any girl you’re with now or in the future will have had someone “better” than you. But she’s choosing to be with you and that’s what matters. She could have stayed with one of those other guys but chose you instead. Pull your head out of your ass and move on or you’ll lose her. You should definitely see a therapist. Also, QUIT HAVING DETAILED CONVERSATIONS ABOUT PAST RELATIONSHIPS/HOOKUPS FFS!

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ThrowRAPoloDolo OP t1_jae69zm wrote

Responding to your last sentence, I feel like if she doesnt tell me the thought of it will just eat me alive. Like when she told me about them i obviously wasnt happy but i was glad i knew rather than not knowing at all. One of the questions i asked her when we were talking about our former hookups was whether or not i had known or met any of them. I asked if i shook any of their hands before and she said yes and that comment felt like someone shot me in the stomach. Knowing that I dapped up someone that knew they had slept with my girlfriend before, unbeknownst to me

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Jorhay0110 t1_jae790c wrote

As I said, everyone has a past, are you saying it would bother you more to not know what happened than it does to know? What about her? Does she know about your past? Is she allowed to feel the same about you? Honestly, it seems like you’re super immature and, in no way, ready to handle a committed relationship.

Eta: regarding you meeting the other dude. If she purposefully introduced you to him then that’s messed up. But if you were at a party that he happened to be at and she couldn’t avoid the meeting then, again, it happens.

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ThrowRAPoloDolo OP t1_jae7rkx wrote

You’re probably right. I think we jumped into a relationship too soon and theres still some things I need to come to terms with in order to have a healthy relationship.

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Jorhay0110 t1_jae8c1a wrote

Indeed. See a therapist and talk about this stuff. Make sure you talk to your gf. Explain what is bothering you and that you need to step back from the relationship. But make sure you tell her in detail that she did nothing wrong and this is 100% a you problem!!!

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Happy-Nose-111 t1_jae9l94 wrote

man, the "what would other men think when they see us together" part is really gross, to be honest. do a favor for her and break up.

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ThrowRAPoloDolo OP t1_jae9ofz wrote

Why do you think it’s wrong to think that?

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campbell317704 t1_jaenb4w wrote

Not the person you asked but was also grossed out by that part of your OP. My reason is wondering why you're so concerned what other straight men are thinking when you're supposed to be into women. Why the need to posture or have some kind of pristine Madonna on your arm to show off to other men rather than a partner that you value and values you in return being the main point of your relationship? She deserves someone who values her for her, not someone who's concerned with the optics of her having had the audacity to exist before you came along and having already been betrayed by one of the TWO men that she's trusted with that level of physical intimacy.

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Happy-Nose-111 t1_jaeo5ew wrote

You are depriciating her with what other man might think, which is really your own though’s projection. She had casual sex with men and suddenly she is disgusting and not worthy of becoming your wife, and anybody who ‘d marry her must be a loser. Absolute rubbish. …You had your fair share of fun but you are a catch to marry, right?!

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YourRAResource t1_jae56hu wrote

It's not a question of it probably being an insecurity; it's absolutely your own insecurities. It's certainly not an uncommon one, but it's ultimately one you need to work to remediate.

So there's a few things here. First, no one's holding a gun to her head to be with you. She's with you because she wants to be. She obviously enjoys sex with you. Comparing yourself will only make you crazy, and it's unnecessary. Even if you're objectively not the best sex she's ever had, it doesn't mean sex with you isn't great. You also might very well be the best she's had. Let that go.

Next, if you really have no other option but to break up with her because of this, then it unfortunately is what it is. Just understand that just about everyone you date is going to have a past.

Finally, you're sort of being a hypocrite. You're upset about her past. But you have a past yourself. Does having sex with other people change who you are as a person and partner? I assume not. As such, why would you look at her differently?

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ThrowRAPoloDolo OP t1_jae5uew wrote

To answer the question at the end of your last paragraph, I just feel like in some way I want to be the best that she’s had. I see it as if she’s satisfied with me she wouldnt even think about her prior flings

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YourRAResource t1_jae6bsz wrote

Seems she only thought about them because you two decided to have that unnecessary conversation.

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ThrowRAPoloDolo OP t1_jae6j38 wrote

But now that we have had that unnecessary conversation, where do we go from here? Is there any easier way to get over it? Is there something i need to understand to think of the situation differently?

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YourRAResource t1_jae8owb wrote

This is unfortunately a situation where you need to either accept it or not.

What you need to understand is that this is an absolute non-issue and you're potentially throwing away a great relationship (if that's true) over someone that has no impact on your relationship.

I'm not sure if this will help or not, but anecdotally, I'm a guy and I'm quite happily married. If I'm being honest, I wouldn't objectively say that she's the best sex I've ever had; however, sex with her is absolutely amazing. If she were asked, I doubt I'd be the best either, but again, the sex is great. But am I sitting here ever thinking about them or comparing them? Nope. They're the past. Those guys your girlfriend was with are the past.

Again, you have to believe that she enjoys sex with you, or she wouldn't be with you. You need to be confident in that.

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Head-Combination-299 t1_jaecqfq wrote

So your focus is on the now and getting to know her… not asking about past hook ups- which focus on the wrong person.

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VinnyCapistrano t1_jae6zzt wrote

>I am aware that at this point of our lives, a lot of us have had a fair share of intimate and sexual experiences, relationships, and flings. I’ve had my fair share.

Break things off. It's not fair for your partner for her to be stuck dating a hypocrite.

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dungisdangit t1_jae6jex wrote

Stop thinking about it and focus on the present. No one can help you but you. If she's with you, she wants you. Not them.

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ThrowRAPoloDolo OP t1_jae6th6 wrote

You say that, but i am friends with girls that are honest enough around me about how they miss the sex with their former partners, regardless of them having a boyfriend now. The thought of those same words being said by MY girlfriend eats me

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dungisdangit t1_jae86x6 wrote

So tell them to shut up about it because wtf are they doing bringjng that up to you. Or you can say okay if you miss it so much go take them back. But it's none of your problem

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deposhmed t1_jaekf66 wrote

What’s a nicer way of saying ”grow the fuck up!”?

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DplusLplusKplusM t1_jae6zef wrote

Never be so obsessed with sex that you use that as the measuring stick for all of human behavior. Of course one gets with a hookup sooner than they do with someone they actually care about, because if you don't build some trust first then sex with them becomes just a hookup. Unless she told you she was a virgin when you started dating she hasn't really done anything wrong here. You worry too much about what other people think.

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dungisdangit t1_jae6key wrote

Stop thinking about it and focus on the present. No one can help you but you. If she's with you, she wants you. Not them.

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LearnsFromExperience t1_jaeqdcw wrote

>the idea of being seen with her knowing that other guys might look on us thinking “oh ive heard about her before, i cant believe he wifed her” makes me feel disgusted.

Sounds like you have some growing up to do before you try out a Big Boy relationship.

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MckittenMan t1_jae6xza wrote

>What makes it even worse is she told me that they hooked up after a week or so of texting, and it took maybe a month and a few dates before me and her ever slept together

Is it a competition though?

Are you disappointed because it took you longer to sleep with her than someone else? Maybe she regrets her action and wanted to take things slow so she doesn't get burnt again.

Look man. This is a you problem and nothing more.

There will always be someone before you and someone after you. If you allow those thoughts to poison you and jeopardize relationships, you will never be able to maintain a healthy one. You will always be the downfall.

I never understood this notion of needing to know your partners past. I am 30 years old, and in all of the relationships I've had, we never discussed sexual history. Its better not to know.

So, if its not this relationship, for the next one, leave that conversation off the table.

You need to focus on the present and why she is with you and not other people. If you're in her life, there is a valuable reason for it.

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Solitary_evening t1_jae8xwz wrote

All you can do is be in the moment with her. She is with YOU.

You can ask if there is anything that she wants. Or wants differently. And then you need to trust her answer.

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kamjam16 t1_jaeekd7 wrote

You only have two options man, you either get over it or you break up. It sucks that she told you all of this, but you asked, so you’re both in the wrong here. Having said that, she can’t change the past.

But I’ll tell you, at your age, I wouldn’t have gotten over it either. It just is what it is. Social stigma is pretty powerful at your age and it’s tough to be the bigger guy and act like it doesn’t bother you.

If you do break up with her, don’t shame her for her actions. Just say it’s all on you and you can’t get over it. You need more experience and to work on yourself. It is what it is, and this relationship isn’t worth living with the stress and anxiety that comes with it.

Good luck man

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Twin_Brother_Me t1_jaehsdh wrote

If you're into hookup culture then history comes with the territory, if you're not into hookup culture then don't date someone who is if you want to avoid these kinds of situations.

Edit. Oh, nevermind I just managed to parse the following from your wall of text (paragraphs are your friends) - you are into hookup culture, so you're just being a hypocrite:

>I’ve had my fair share.

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Head-Combination-299 t1_jaecan2 wrote

Why t f do ppl still ask and discus past hookups?

The now is what matters. Are you and are they healthy, are you being safe, is there consent and what are your kinks?? All that past relationships dwelling is LITERALLY CHASING HURT. Why chase down answers to questions that are not your business and shouldn’t even be a concern…

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SecretHoliday1752 t1_jaeiyg3 wrote

It probably is best to break things off. Your gf doesn’t deserve someone thats disgusted by her. It is a sign of your own insecurity and if you can’t see yourself getting over it then let her go. You’d feel really shitty if your partner was disgusted by you for doing the exact same things that they had done.

She has a past like almost everyone else on the planet, including you. Probably best to not be in a relationship until you can be comfortable with that. But make it clear that this is something YOU need to work through, not something SHE needs to walk you through.

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WantsLivingCoffee t1_jaepeut wrote

Might be totally unrelated, but my first love was the "high school sl*t". She was well-known to have slept around, had sex with a dude I hung out with, she even got drunk and slept with his older friend on my birthday after she told me she'd be there (she didn't show up). She also cheated on me and slept with multiple other dudes while we were together, and I happen to be decently "well-endowed" and know how to use it (according to my past GF's and current GF). She even slept with my high school best friend on one drunken night which made my friendship with him awkward and we had an unfortunate falling out (we tried to recuperate it, but it was never the same after that dramatic, tear-filled night he broke the news to me). Despite the cheating that virtually everyone knew about, including me, I always took her back. Always. She was beautiful, got along with my parents, and I was in love with her. We did share a pretty deep connection and got along well, personality-wise, despite her being so promiscuous. We ended up breaking up in college. She ended up getting married less than a year later to a military dude -- when she always told me she didn't want to be with a man who was like her alcoholic and abusive military vet dad.

Basically, the moral of this story is that -- you're still young AF and have a lot of life lessons ahead of you. Do what feels right to you, in the moment, don't be afraid to make mistakes / heart-break, learn from things, and have no regrets. Everything happens for a reason.

If her past relationships bother you, then let it affect you in whatever way it does. Insecurity, whatever. You'll learn from these experiences eventually, at least, that's my hope. Good luck.

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relationship_advice-ModTeam t1_jaetn1x wrote

Hey, /u/ThrowRAPoloDolo. Unfortunately your submission has been removed:

We do not allow partner's sexual history or "body count"

The replies are always a variation on several comments (telling OP to get over it, "slut shaming" the partner, or insults against OP or the partner)

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