22F/27M Abandonment issue made him escapes from me. Gonna see him tonight need advice from people!

Submitted by UCCUTE t3_11egbnn in relationship_advice

I’ve been dating a guy for a month lately. We always spent a good time together. No attitude no drama only happiness. But the only thing is I’m too attached to him. I want to be in a relationship so bad with him. He always tells me to take things slow. So I just keep waiting and be patient. We almost meet every single day or FaceTime when he feels tired doesn’t want to come over to my place.

Things change on Valentine’s Day. He asked me out at that night. He picked me up after the school. I dressed up very well and wearing the couple bracelet I bought for us. I was so excited to meet him. But when I got to the car. He wasn’t wearing it and told me he was in a rush forgot to wear it. And he didn’t even buying me a flower. We had dinner but I was super sad the whole time. After we got home I just cried a lot in front of him(first time). He said he went to the Trader Joe’s but flowers are not good, and he said he needs more time to figure out if he wants to keep wanting to see me or not. And I chose to break up with him at that night. He wasn’t begging me too much and left me.

After three days, I contacted him again cause i missed him so much.. he was so happily when he answered my call. We spent a good time theses days again, everything back to normal.

However these two days I’m on my period. And I started feeling emotional. I complained a lot about everything in my life. And I complained he couldn’t answer my call sometimes. He just suddenly made up his mind said he doesn’t want to do this anymore,he told me he feels stressed out about us. I controlled him too hard wants his attention so bad.

And i forced him to give me an answer he said let’s stop this. He made up his mind. I was so sad. Everyone Ive been dating just likes me at the beginning and stress out at the end and try to get rid of me. I’m just a toxic girl I guess :/… I feel worse about myself. Every guy likes me so much at the beginning and goes to the same ending lol….

He said he will see me tonight tho.. I’m not sure what should I do. I like him a lot……. Im a such a simp. I can’t even focus on my school because of those stupid stuff.

What can I do to make him change his mind tonight? What should I say?

I’ve already wrote a letter I’m about to say to him tonight:”

Thank you for telling me your true feelings today. And be mature about us.

I'm sorry that I put you under a lot of pressure and what you said is exactly true. We’re not looking for the same things. I want a relationship so bad cause I have serious abandonment issue but it’s getting better now.

But I really like you a lot and I don't want to give up about us. I'd satisfy meet you occasionally let both of us stay in a comfortable place. I understand the suffocating feeling of being attached too much... I wanted to try to improve myself so bad even just for myself. I’ve changed a lot ever since I’ve met you and I believe I can change myself more in the future.

I really really want to hear more about your feelings in the future. I appreciate so much that you’re being patient with me all the time. I can feel that you like me as well before. Every time I ask you to share things with me just because I want to know you better. I don’t want to just have fun with you. I also want to share the bad feelings or moments you’re going through in your life as well. I want to be more supportive instead of just keeping acting like a child as for your accompanying. I really want to build a healthy relationship with you.. Could you just tell me how can I do to make this work? I am really trying to re-developing my sense of independence. “

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Interesting-Month-56 t1_jaduap8 wrote

Um… Girl, it’s been a month. 4 weeks. And you are so attached to him already??? You “want to be in a relationship with him so bad”?

This reads very unhealthy from you.

What exactly is going on with you that you’re this deep this fast with someone you barely know?

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UCCUTE OP t1_jadv43x wrote

I feels this is too fast as well. But we’ve been seeing everyday for a month. I feel I’ve already known him pretty much.

I did have one experience similar like this before. The first guy I’ve been dating I cried for the first date because I like him a lot( idk just for no reason) and I want to jump into a relationship immediately with him. I kept telling him I wants to see him again. And he told me he was scared and stressful for the first date.

I thought he would ghost me but we met the second time, he cried in front of me as well cause he told me he likes me as well but not too much and still wants to meet me. He’s scared of making commitment because we only met TWICE…..

I know this is so ridiculous lmao.. I don’t know what’s wrong with me…

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Interesting-Month-56 t1_jae9vul wrote

Nothing is wrong with you. You might have habits or behaviors that are counterproductive. You might have life experience that trained you to react in ways that are suboptimal.

We’re all like that. If you go around thinking you are broken, then improving is impossible because broken things are just trash, right?

But yeah, the things you describe suggest some unhealthy behaviors.

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redditer6877 t1_jaduaxz wrote

I say this with kindness, but it sounds like you are looking to him to “fix” you when you say “could you just tell me how can I make this work?”. The answer doesn’t lie with him. It lies with you. I think you could honestly benefit from therapy to work through your feelings of abandonment. That’s on you to resolve, not him or anyone else. That would put him or any future partner in a really unfair position and would probably set up even more of a codependent/clinging relationship.

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UCCUTE OP t1_jadwuuy wrote

Thank you so much! I do feel I kinda always rely on other people to help me fix my issue. I’ve been even trying to focus on my own life. I walk my dog three times a day and cook and study, go to school and gym. Even though im busy enough I still miss him a lot. At the beginning I was dating him for fun, I’ve been even trying dating and talking to 15 guys at the same time to not feel lonely. But he’s the only one I want to talk now and he has already seen I changed a lot. I have nothing to do at the beginning, no hobby no my own life busy with dating. I really want to know what I can do to let him don’t feel stressful anymore and make him believe I will be better myself. I would like to change everything for him and for myself.

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trishsf t1_jadvbyr wrote

Okay. You need to see a therapist. This was one month. One month. That’s not patience. You need some help. That’s not a slam. He doesn’t want this and you aren’t hearing him. It was way too early to be acting like this. Please seek out a therapist because life doesn’t need to be this hard.

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UCCUTE OP t1_jadvzwf wrote

I’m keeping talking to my therapist about those. He just asked me to be patient and I’ve been working on this so much! I used to be cry every time when guys leave me and go back to their home. Now I’m already way much better. I am hearing his feelings. But I don’t know how to prove my sincerity to change this and improve myself. I just don’t know what to do.. he wants a gf to meet occasionally but in that case I have to hold my feelings, which makes him feel bad as well. What can I tell him what should I do…

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trishsf t1_jaedtyz wrote

I’m glad you’re getting help. You aren’t ready for a relationship. Relationships, healthy ones, develop over time and it takes far more than a month. Work on yourself first, then date.

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UCCUTE OP t1_jaeh1b1 wrote

Thank you. I just texted him: “Hey . Thank you for expressing you feelings to me I really appreciate it. I think we both need time to focus on ourselves again. If you are still interested we can reconnect later on. We can just stay as friends. I hope you have a great day so far. :)” I’ll just focus on myself for a while I guess. I will be better and get back to him(if I still like him). Thank you so much for leaving kind messages.

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Gordossa t1_jady91g wrote

You need serious help. I’m not being nasty, you sound like a 12 year old. You don’t know this man, you’re ‘desperate to be in a relationship’ - why? Why not just take it slow and build a solid foundation? You bought couples bracelets?? You were sad all night because you didn’t get a flower?? Have you ever been in a relationship before? You are a parade of red flags. You don’t split up with someone so that they chase you. You split up because you don’t want to see them again. You need to step away and work on yourself, because the only men that will want this will be trash. Life isn’t a Disney movie. You had a nice guy and you ruined it. Learn what a good relationship looks like and speak to a therapist, this is months of unravelling.

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UCCUTE OP t1_jadzaz1 wrote

I know I do sounds like and act like a child.. but on Valentine’s Day, even my friend just date a girl for twice bought a flower for her. I feel that’s the basic stuff to do. I know I ruined it I’ve already been working on it so hard. I did have some relationship before. all bad side of me happens recently to be honest. I know I’m super toxic I know… I’m trying to improve myself soooo hard. I like him so much. I do feel so sorry to make him feel stressful about everything. What can I do to make him change his mind while I’m working on myself?… I don’t want to lose him because my stupid issue.

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Gordossa t1_jae5zyk wrote

You don’t. You respect his wishes. You are going to be months of therapy to fix this, the relationship is already tainted, you can’t ask him to be single for a year for a crazy chick he dated for a month. Learning what’s important in life will help you a lot, but it sounds like you have a past to unpack with a professional. Hypnosis and exercise are great for anxiety, but anyone can be someone else for a month. There are a million stories on here of people getting married or moving in too quickly and they end up in an abusive relationship. If you are crying at dinner over not getting a flower, how will you cope when real stuff happens? Because real stuff will happen. People will die, have accidents, get sick, lose children, lose their partner, face financial ruin. What do you bring to the table? You sound as though you need babied. That’s not a partner, that’s a responsibility with sex. Decent, stable people can’t be arsed with drama llamas. Life’s too short.

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