Am I (32F) too young to be dating a (41M)?

Submitted by aceofmonsters13 t3_11e19u2 in relationship_advice

(I turn 33 in April, if that makes a difference.)

I'll start by saying that I'm asexual. The asexual population is estimated to be around 1%. A lot of those people aren't even aware they're asexual. If we want to exclusively date another asexual, our options are extremely limited. Factor in gender, personality, location, and all that good stuff, and the range of options just gets smaller and smaller.

I feel like I've exhausted most of my options, I've spoken to many guys around my age, and things just never seem to match. Some live too far away, some have the communication skills of a walnut, some make fandoms their entire personality. Typical incompatibility.

A 41 year old asexual guy messaged me a couple weeks ago. I decided to respond to him just for the hell of it, initially thinking "ehh he's too old." As we've talked more I've realized that we both share a lot of interests. We both live about 40min from NYC in separate directions, so the distance isn't bad at all. He has a good personality, he's friendly, and our conversation just keeps going rather than fizzle out. The one thing I'm just hung up on is his age. I don't really know what people would think if we met up. My parents don't give a crap, but I think my sister would be creeped out by the age difference.

I just don't know if that's too big an age gap for someone my age. A part of me is screaming "you can't be so picky, you know what else is out there and it's not pretty" but at the same time I feel like age gaps are pretty taboo, especially now. Every time I hear about someone in an age gap relationship where the man is older, everyone says "oh he's a predator because the power balance is off." So I guess this is where this sub comes in. Do you think I'm too young to be dating a 41 year old? 🤔

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axxred t1_jabwpmk wrote

Lmao you're 32, age gaps should no longer be a factor unless you're dating younger.couple that with your less than 1% chance of finding an asexual partner. Take what you can get.

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aceofmonsters13 OP t1_jabwt2i wrote

Hah, that's basically what my parents said. Thanks for the answer.

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NotTrynaMakeWaves t1_jabxyov wrote

Meh, you're 32 not 17.

And the gap's just 9 years. My stepmother is 12 years younger than my Dad and they've lasted decades.

And no one's taking sexual advantage of anyone.

And you're both in the range for adoption should you want to start a family.

I can't see any downside as long as you're in to each other.

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aceofmonsters13 OP t1_jabyp15 wrote

Thanks for the answer. I think I may be overly freaked out about age gaps because my grandfather and his wife were 30 years apart... it's a huge scandalous and family taboo 🥲

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NotTrynaMakeWaves t1_jabzo5p wrote

The problem is never the disparity in ages. People can love who they love.

The problem in 'age gap' relationships are two-fold: power imbalance and life stages

Example 1: 40yr old and an 18yr old. The 40 year old will usually hold more 'power' in the relationship due to more established career/finances but also due to experience. It's easier for a 40 yr old to lie to someone fresh out of childhood than someone who's had life experience. I don't think that this applies here since you are an established adult and in just a few years will have been an adult for longer than you were a child. Any 'power imbalance' in the relationship now is entirely due to personality rather than age. NOTE: while the power imbalance is a danger in all extended age gap relationships that does not mean that it is present in all of them.

Example 2: heterosexual relationships - F35/M55 or F40/M20 or F20/M50 The other issue is 'life stages'. if the woman is nearing the point where she really has to start trying to get pregnant if she wants to start a family then she can hit trouble with a partner who is older and does not want to be a 75yr old by the time his kid leaves home or on the other end a partner who doesn't want to be a dad at 20. Similarly if you're 20 and want to establish a career but your partner wants a child before he's 'too old' then your relationship might buckle under that strain. You're 20 and want to go to clubs and travel but they've done all that and want a quiet life. You and your partner aren't that far apart, you're past your nightclub years and if you're going to be childless then I can't see an issue.

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aceofmonsters13 OP t1_jac041z wrote

Wow, thank you for really explaining this to me. I agree with what you're saying. I will definitely give this guy a chance because I do feel like we're in the same lifestage, and so far he has treated me like an equal. This was really helpful.

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Waste_Vegetable8974 t1_jacaydo wrote

There is really only one situation where age gap is a real issue when someone uses age and experience to effectively prey on someone who doesn't have their own knowledge and experience to understand. Otherwise who cares. Go for it.

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bleep-bloop-meep t1_jacp8i8 wrote

You're 32. Age gaps mostly matter if the younger one is in a vulnerable position. I'd say you're mature enough to make your life choices.

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