I (31/f) have been dating my boyfriend (29/m) since last April, so between 10-11 months. I live alone with my two dogs in a three bedroom ranch that I’ve leased to own since I was 18, and will have paid off in like 10 more years. He lives with his parents maybe 3 minutes drive away. Basically since the beginning of the relationship, he’s been spending his nights here, and a couple months in, when we were really in love, he mentioned that he’d like to move in at some point in the near future, but we didn’t really discuss it seriously because things were still new. I pretty much have always had either a roommate or a significant other living with me to offset bills. I dated someone from 18 years old - 22, who moved in with me, paid rent, and then moved away when we broke up. Then I had a roommate/old friend who moved in for a year, and she moved to Colorado. Then I dated someone from 24 - 28 years old, who also lived with me, paid rent, and moved out when we broke up. 28 - 30, a friend’s younger sister moved in and paid rent. And that’s where I was when we met, she had just moved in with her boyfriend, I was alone in the house, and my boyfriend mentioned moving in as the relationship got more serious.

Now months have gone by, we’ve been dating almost a year, he sleeps at my place every night, but I pay all the bills, including groceries that he eats, utilities, etc.. In November, we got in a big argument during which he said he doesn’t want a future with me. When it was finally resolved, he took that back, but by then I was struggling to keep up with bills and had been for months, which he was aware of, and I told him that if he doesn’t see a future, I’m getting a roommate. I told him if I did, I don’t think it’s appropriate for him to keep sleeping there, which he disputed a little, but agreed. I wasn’t exactly happy with this because to my mind, at almost a year if you feel more reluctant than ever to commit to someone, but are comfortable reaping the benefits of that person paying for you to live, something is wrong. I expressed this to him, and he basically said he does want a future and does want to move in, and that I shouldn’t get a roommate. Months go by, I’ve told him several times he should be contributing (although in his defense, he’d say I bring it up during arguments, which is true), but I’ve also told him other times when we weren’t arguing, and I’ve explained weekly why I can’t afford this or that, and how I’m struggling with rent, but he never does and never brings it up on his own. The past couple months have been more severe, I’ve struggled with rent more than even and am now facing potentially losing my lease to own contract.

So, im struggling with the point at which it’s appropriate for someone to contribute to bills for a house they stay at? The reason I don’t bring it up as much when we aren’t at odds has less to do with avoiding an argument and more to do honestly with the fact that I don’t want to force him to do it, and it isn’t just about the money. I can’t imagine living off of someone else, so for me it seems an ethical obligation to pay your fair share but he doesn’t seem to have that value.