My (26F) boyfriend (28M) wants us to stay in a hoarder home?

Submitted by anxiousanonxyz t3_11ej7v1 in relationship_advice

My boyfriend and I are planning a vacation/trip to visit some of his friends and family, plus just as a vacation for us well with some events already planned out. We were discussing plane tickets and what days would be best when he brought up how he thinks we should stay with his mom for a portion of the time, so we can all spend time together. Normally this wouldn’t be any issue, I would love to get to know his family more, but she has a very serious hoarding problem. For example, the last time we were there for a visit, I got a panic attack just from being inside and almost cut the trip short to go home early. He brought it up now though, saying that “If we are going to continue dating it’s something I have to get used to.” Along with things about how he’s had to deal with it his whole life, how’s it’s not fair for his mom if we don’t spend time with her, etc. It’s causing a rift at the moment, and we aren’t really talking because I’m not even sure what to say, besides I don’t know how he expects me to sleep there and he just doesn’t seem to get it. Any advice is appreciated, thank you so much.

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UsuallyWrite2 t1_jaec8b6 wrote

Tell him it’s a hotel or air bnb or…you’ll just stay home.

You don’t owe him to stay in a gross house.

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facinationstreet t1_jaet98t wrote

He brought it up now though, saying that “If we are going to continue dating it’s something I have to get used to.”

Hell no! You do not have to 'get used to it'. You stay in a hotel. She can visit you there or at someone else's house. If your bf can't agree to that then this is a deal breaker. And you need to be serious about it being a deal breaker.

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automator3000 t1_jaecnuo wrote

>He brought it up now though, saying that “If we are going to continue dating it’s something I have to get used to.”

Not sure how much more clear he can be.

If you're going to be with him, you'll have to deal with visiting his hoarder mommy.

And that this issue is enough to bring you to "not talking" ... why are you bothering trying to continue the relationship? If it were a great partnership, you'd be talking through compromise or how to work with Mom to straighten out her life, but instead, he's hunkering down and you're just not talking to him.

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Cabbage_Patch_Itch t1_jaevkp3 wrote

He is incorrect, you absolutely do not have to get used to it! I’m assuming you’re not exaggerating and this is indeed a serious hoard. He needs to get help if he thinks you just need to adapt to the filth. Don’t go! If you do, check expiration dates on anything you eat and sniff meat products.

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anxiousanonxyz OP t1_jaex2as wrote

Oh no, I wouldn’t have an issue if it was just a little messy. The kitchen isn’t even useable because of so much stuff, there is only pathways to get around, along with three cats, and being a mobile home it’s just…. rough. I feel bad and try to be gentle with the subject because of it being his mom, but with this I just don’t know what to do.

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Cabbage_Patch_Itch t1_jaexl86 wrote

Don’t be gentle. If he cares for his mom and is aware of what healthy accommodations look like then he needs to help her instead of trying to make you live in filth.

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