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constanceblackwood12 t1_ja9t38i wrote

> I feel that I am doing a LOT for the family, and although I don't think her days are easy I get frustrated when I am made to feel like her life is so much harder than mine and that I don't have to deal with the same challenges she does.

All together, you and your wife are responsible for: parenting two very young kids + one full-time job + managing a household. That's a lot. That's more than 2 persons' worth of work. You are both really tired, overworked and stressed out.

It's not a competition. You shouldn't compare yourself to her and try to figure out "who has it worse".

It sounds like you both need to work on expressing appreciation for each other and also getting to the heart of what the other person is communicating (because "sending Instas to my husband" is a very weird roundabout way of communicating, and I suspect the message you're getting is not the one she's meaning to send.)

Have you looked into couples counseling? This is bread-and-butter stuff for a marital therapist.

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ThrowRA_resentfuldad OP t1_ja9vz8n wrote

This is a great message. Thank you for the kick in the butt on what I have felt we needed for a while with counseling. We have a pretty good marriage but we have these "bread and butter" challenges that slowly erode what is working well. You nailed it..."its not a competition". And "I suspect the message you're getting is not the one she's meaning to send" yeah I think you are right. Thank you.

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invomitous-rex t1_jac5qy4 wrote

I basically came here to say exactly what this comment said. So I won’t repeat their excellent advice.

What I will say is that as someone who is also a parent with a young child (who just started kindergarten and it’s a BIG change that the whole family is struggling with) I understand how easy it is to accidentally make someone else’s crappy feelings about yourself. Like, I can tell right now my husband is flat and exhausted because he’s been taking our son in the mornings before doing long days at the hospital as a medical student. I’m also exhausted because I’m doing pick ups, working full time and being newly pregnant. We’re both working really hard, and we both feel pretty shit. And when I see how tired and flat he is, I often feel really guilty because he’s doing so much, but also angry because I know how much I’M doing and part of me is like…. I’m trying so hard and he’s still feeling burnt out so what’s the point of me making an effort?

But of course, it’s not about me. Just like my exhaustion is not about him, or rather about him somehow having it easy or letting me down. One of the hardest things we can learn how to do is let our partners feel like crap without trying to fix it, because sometimes there’s nothing to fix. Which is not to say that counselling wouldn’t help you - I think it really would - I guess what I’m saying is that your wife expressing negativity doesn’t necessarily make that something you need to feel responsible for. You don’t have to pick up what she’s putting down, because realistically, she’s not putting it down for you - she’s putting it down for herself, so she doesn’t have to carry it for a little bit. Personally I think there are much more effective ways for her to handle the strain she’s under than what she’s currently doing, but I also think a good old fashioned whinge can be extremely important and cathartic. It might just need to be tempered with a more balanced and optimistic approach overall. And I think you could also benefit from some support around how you can let your wife feel her feelings (even the unpleasant ones) without it being something you feel responsible for changing.

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