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ThrowRA_resentfuldad OP t1_jaa8zb7 wrote

Reply to comment by trilliumsummer in I (36M) am starting to resent my wife (36F) for her attitude towards our division of labor by ThrowRA_resentfuldad

Sorry, just to clarify, when I travel for work I do 12-hour days, but when I am not traveling I leave the house at 7:30 am after I make breakfast and help to get the kids ready and am home by 5 pm to make dinner and help with the bedtime routine.

But your point is still taken. I think that is why I have been so stoic on the situation, because I do have a lot of respect and empathy for what she does as a SAHM. Its really hard work and she does a great job at it (our kids are always nailing milestones and maturing really well). And she sends me tons of links and narratives about how hard being a SAHM is, so I feel like I get a solid dose of that reality. But I guess my concern has been that no matter how hard I work to make it "right" I don't ever feel like the tide is shifting and I'm just not feeling the appreciation or respect. I think some of the other comments have hardened this for me, but I probably just have a communication issue on my hands.

I appreciate your advice and I think that is a fair thing to try. Im sure it would give me more appreciation for what she does when I am at work, and the monotony of a full week of it vs just the weekends like I do now. That said I am not sure it will cure my growing resentment. Like what is the inverse of that where she feels what it is like to deal with the insane pressure and stress of being an executive at a company, getting up at the crack of dawn to do chores and cook breakfast, then race off to work and grind in meetings for 8 striaght hours, to race home and make dinner and put kids to bed. Im mentally and emotionally exhausted and yet I feel like I am always hearing her side of the challenges of our life. But me just complaining more doesn't make things better. Anyways, sorry for the long-winded repsonse.

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trilliumsummer t1_jaabfsh wrote

So part of it is to give you insight. Because she's coming at it from you just don't know. Which is fair, you don't, but it's hard to have a productive conversation if it's you saying "it can't be that hard stop sending me stuff saying that" and her saying "it is hard stop telling me it isn't and that I need to be feeling lucky and grateful!" You're both kinda stuck on your side, but by doing this you can walk her side and at least come at it from "hey I know what you're doing, I lived it! Can we now come together and figure out how to handle what we're both feeling together?"

Plus besides this hopefully giving her the feeling of you trying to see her side and get what she's feeling and saying - it also gets her out and gives her a break. Gets her from being stuck in mom mode. Hopefully gives her back a little of herself (especially since you said she's not taking time for herself even with all her help). And also hopefully refreshes her so she can come back to the table with some fresh eyes.

So I was thinking of it as a dual purpose. It gives you insight into what she's actually going through, it gives her a break, hopefully it lets you both reset from your trenches, and then both be able to work together.

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