I (36M) am starting to resent my wife (36F) for her attitude towards our division of labor

Submitted by ThrowRA_resentfuldad t3_11dks2r in relationship_advice

I (36M) have been married to my wife (36F) since 2017 (together since 2013). We have two kids (3 years old and 1-year-old). We have a pretty good relationship (it was a bit rocky in the first 6 months after we had our first kid). Prior to having kids my wife worked full-time, as did I.

After our first kid, my wife decided to become a full-time mom, which I fully supported. We are fortunate that I have done extremely well financially and we can fully realize our financial goals on one income (I was making about 10X what my wife was making when she worked as well as some investments that pretty much set us up for life, although I am still working my ass off to ensure that is the case and retire early). As a result of our financial situation, we have a nanny at the house 3x a week for 8 hours/day. Additionally, my oldest kid goes to preschool a few days a week. Lastly, we have some family in town and so my wife has a grandparent supporting a couple of hours most days to help with the kids so she can get a nap, or have some extra help.

So we did have some relationship challenges with our first kid. It was the beginning of covid, we were new parents, and I think she did have to carry the majority mental burden of child care. I learned a lot from those challenges and fast forward to today I am very proud of my effort and our current split looks something like this: I commute/work from 7:30am - 5:00pm. In the mornings I get up very early (5am) so that I workout, unload the dishwasher, and prepare breakfast for myself, our oldest, and my wife. I then will get my oldest out of bed and dressed, and then sit her down for breakfast. I then get ready for work and leave. When I get home around 5pm, I immediately start making dinner (a couple of days a week she will want to cook and I will play with the kids). Once we eat dinner I do all of the dishes and clean up, play with our oldest for a bit, and then take her up for bath, bedtime routine, and bedtime. Everything else during the day she will do along with the help of the nanny and the grandparent. I will say that she has mainly been responsible for the youngest (1 year old) and I focus on the oldest. I think there are obviously frustrations with taking care of a baby, but our 3-year-old is pretty tough these days as well. On the weekends the division of responsibilities is the same in the morning, I wake up and handle the oldest, while also making breakfast for everyone and then doing the dishes. She will then take a nap when our youngest takes his first nap while I play with the oldest. I usually take our oldest to the grocery store while she naps and I do all the shopping for the week. Other than that we try to do things together as a family most weekends like the park, but I think it is fair to say that she is more responsible for the baby and I am more responsible for the oldest during the day. I will make dinner and do all the dishes on weekends too, as well as all of my laundry and whatever kid/house laundry needs attention. And other than that I am just watching and playing with our kids.

Before I share the relationship issue I should acknowledge that raising a baby is so damn hard for moms. The breastfeeding and the assumption of care that they deal with are tough. I also know how mentally draining being around kids all day can be and I respect anyone who does that. I have learned a lot and as a result, I try really hard to pick up the burden as much as possible. I remember from when we had our first, doing all of the meal planning was a big burden she complained about. Because of that, in the last couple of years, I try to plan all of our breakfast meals, some of the lunches, and almost all of the dinners (while I am doing the vast majority of the grocery shopping and cooking).

Ok, so my concern is this. I feel that I am doing a LOT for the family, and although I don't think her days are easy I get frustrated when I am made to feel like her life is so much harder than mine and that I don't have to deal with the same challenges she does. Just a few examples: 1. She is ALWAYS sending me instagram posts and stories from Mom instagram accounts. They always are representing the challenges of being a mom, the unfair division of labor around the house with dads, etc. She says they aren't directed at me but just that she is sharing because those narratives don't get told enough. She has inundated herself with these accounts and I think it is creating a narrative in her head that doesn't reflect the reality of our household. 2. She will say things like "I never get a day off". This is true I suppose, but generally, people associate days off with the weekend if they are working. But on the weekend I basically do the exact same things she does, in fact, I do all the cooking and cleaning and we split childcare time. So then when I respond that she has the weekends same as me, she will remind me that I do take full days off when I go golfing (Maybe 5-7 times a year during a company holiday like MLK day or a random Friday I will use one of my days off I will go play golf with friends for 4 hours. She has the nanny and a grandparent and I have work off and I will even come home around 1pm and start helping out). 3. She is constantly complaining about how draining it is to be a mom and to think about the kid's needs 24/7. I don't even disagree, but it comes across that I don't have to deal with the same challenges. I feel that in addition to all I do to think about meal prep and child care, I also have to think about all the stress of my job, issues at work, paying our bills and our taxes, etc. 4. Whenever I have to travel for work she makes the entire trip about how hard it is going to be for her while I am gone. Meanwhile, I am traveling, working 12-hour days, missing my family, etc.

I feel like her lack of appreciation for how hard I work both at the office and at home with our family is really starting to make me resent her. Meanwhile, she has the attitude that she is always tired and always overworked and makes a point to remind me how tired and overworked she is constantly. Whenever I walk in the door after work it is always about the day she has had and how tired she is and how taking care of kids all day is the hardest thing ever. But she might mention how lucky she is, and how hard I work about 1x a year. I want to resolve this but anytime I have tried she takes it as an attack on her, and I don't understand and respect how hard stay-at-home moms work. I have offered many times for her to go back to work full time and we can get a nanny full time to cover the kids, but she doesn't want to go back to work. This clear misalignment of our roles and division of labor is weighing on me and making me resent her. She rarely if ever shares how lucky she is (she doesn't have to work a 9-5, she has a nanny and a grandparent for support, her husband cooks, grocery shops, cleans, watches the kids, and helps out all day long on weekends, etc.) I am just tired of the negativity and the indirect sharing of the instagram stories about how hard the life of a mom is. It make me want to find accounts of dads who bust their ass at work and also at home with their family, and share those stories, but they don't exist! Also, I would just be doing what I am frustrated at her for doing. Has anyone dealt with this scenario? Do moms out there have any suggestions on how to talk to her, or maybe to give me some perspective I am missing? Any advice on how to talk to her in a way that won't come across as attacking her, but more as sticking up for myself and my commitment to our family? How do I change her attitude and perspective, or mine, because currently the relationship is strained, at least for me, and I am worried where this leads in the long term.

TLDR: I work really hard at my job, and also at home with our family, yet I am building resentment towards my wife for her attitude about being a stay-at-home mom. Need advice.

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gordonf23 t1_ja9ag32 wrote

Why does she not take more advantage of having the nanny and the grandparents around to give her some rest time when she needs it?

Some of these challenges--the breast feeding, for example--are temporary, and will disappear or get easier as the children get older. And this is not her first time doing this. You already had one child, so she KNEW what to expect when you both decided to have a second child.

Honestly, you do a shit ton more work than any other dad I know, based on your description of the situation. Particularly given that there is also a nanny there most of the time when you're at work and your older kid is in school most of the week. In fact, honestly, it sounds like you're doing MOST of the overall work, especially since it's on top of a full-time job.

Find a way for her to take a day off. Take a sick day and send her to a spa for the day, for example, if it would make her feel more appreciated.

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ThrowRA_resentfuldad OP t1_ja9b4xi wrote

That is really good advice. I feel like I make a point to find time to myself once a month, and she has not done the same. I get that it's harder with the breastfeeding and baby schedule/routine than it is for me and I appreciate that she owns that part of our parenting roles. I will more proactively help her to schedule some free time to do something on her own to see if it gives her some relief, and hopefully some clarity on her situation being fairly positive.

Also for clarity, the oldest is only in preschool about 12 hours a week, and the nanny is at the house about 25-30 hours a week and the grandparent is at the house about 15 hours a week.

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SherrKhan32 t1_ja9mdz7 wrote

She can pump breast milk and store some so she can take a day off to herself now and again.

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Ok-Maximum-2495 t1_jaab3te wrote

I’m very confused because this is like a dream. Maybe she’s suffering from PPD? Because I’m confused about what she does if she has all this help and you do what seems like more than half the home duties on top of working full time out of the house. Maybe she feels she’s lost who she is and can only identify as a mom. Do you two still do date nights? Maybe send her out if the house on a regular basis for something she enjoys like a workout class, the gym, or a mani pedi. She has the support to still be herself, she just had to actually let go and do it.

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ThrowRA_resentfuldad OP t1_jaacq0z wrote

I actually just convinced her to go to a personal trainer 1x per week as I know exercise helps me to feel more energetic and she was struggling a bit with forcing herself to do it. She goes for a lot of walks with the baby but figured she needed to get out of the house and away from the kids.

I think a lot of it has to do with losing who she is. She used to be a full time working professional, was very serious about it and great at her job, and motherhood and covid kind of hit her all at once and I think she is resentful of losing all of that while I go out into the "real world" every day. But she has lots of friends with kids and they get together and grab lunch or go for walks or do play dates, so I think that part of it is getting better. But yeah I like the approach of trying to get her out away from the kids more often to hopefully create some perspective for her.

Edit: We have talked about PPD, and I think with the first kid she may have had a little bit but has been way better since, and much better with the second kid. She just seems a little bored with being stuck to a kid 24/7 and resents me getting to leave the house. Meanwhile I resent that Im not appreciated for working so hard. All in all we probably just need to communicate better.

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SunburntWombat t1_jab0ecd wrote

Have you discussed having her go back to work after the youngest start preschool? Some people just aren’t built to be stay at home parents. I know I get bored out of my brain if I am between work for more than a month at a time. It sounds like your wife is similar.

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greenhotchilepeppers t1_jab370y wrote

>I think a lot of it has to do with losing who she is.

I think that's an astute observation. Perhaps she feels that with all of your support (and especially a nanny), she doesn't have a "good reason" to feel out of sorts with this new arrangement. Maybe you could begin a conversation with her focused on this, checking in on her and asking how she feels now after a few years of being a stay-at-home mother.

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SherrKhan32 t1_ja9lw7e wrote

Your wife is literally spoiled fucking rotten. LMAO. I do all doctors appointments, grocery shopping, all cooking, all baths, breastfed, all wake-ups, and all bed times (plus all dishes, and about 50% of all household tasks, including pet care for our senior dog) because my man works hard. He is a very involved and loving father, don't get me wrong, but he is exhausted and I understand. He does all the laundry, 50% of vacuuming, and 50% of trash duties. He pays all bills. I am currently heavily pregnant, and we have a toddler. * I still do most of those things (except breastfeeding now.) He gives me at least 1 hr to myself every night so I can unwind a little, too. I've never had a Nanny. My Mom died when I was 21 and my Dad is a nut job- I would never leave him alone with my kids. Lol. She has WAY, WAAAAAAY more free time than she's acknowledging. Tell her if she wants more of a social life she can get a part-time job on the 3 days you have a Nanny at the house.

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[deleted] t1_ja9w7zj wrote

[deleted]

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UniqueUsername82D t1_jaa05lg wrote

You know who's down voting.

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SherrKhan32 t1_jaddx2x wrote

Yep. It's a bitter and lazy baby mama, if you ask me. 🤣

"Not everyone else can do these things. Do you want a cookie?" Pfffffffftttt. The point is, she doesn't have to do HALF of these things already and is bitching that she's overworked. By what measure?! She literally has staff and family helping her parent nearly full-time and her husband is doing more than his fair share.

Y'all are some lazy asses, I tell you that.

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DplusLplusKplusM t1_ja9azzx wrote

She's not wrong that parents never get a day off. That's just what you sign up for when have a child. But if your wife needs naps during the day because she's up at night with your toddler it could be a sign that your one year-old hasn't been properly sleep trained. A 12 month old should be able to sleep through the night. So maybe work on that. If your wife could sleep at night she wouldn't need naps and likely wouldn't be so grumpy as she adjusts to the reality that parenting is a 24/7 job.

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ThrowRA_resentfuldad OP t1_ja9bz1m wrote

Yeah our 1 year old is now sleeping through the night. We will have random wake-ups from the 3-year-old, the baby, or the dog. Seems that most nights something will break our sleep at least once, but just very quickly and we all go back to bed. But whenever that happens we all kind of wake up, so it's not something she solely has to deal with. I will say that she was amazing dealing with all of the nighttime wake-ups the last year, which is wy I am only starting to get resentful now. I just assumed as the baby got older she would become more grateful. That has not been the case.

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thonman t1_jaceq5v wrote

Maybe a spa trip, or a weekend away wouldn't hurt. Maybe a romantic getaway for you two?

Remember, you're partners first, then parents, though infants can switch that a little. Show her how much you still love her.

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ThrowRA_resentfuldad OP t1_jaedrep wrote

Thank you, this is great perspective.

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thonman t1_jaee9zj wrote

Yw. I'm not trying to diminish either role, but sometimes you need to recharge the love meter, and remind yourself why you're together.

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constanceblackwood12 t1_ja9t38i wrote

> I feel that I am doing a LOT for the family, and although I don't think her days are easy I get frustrated when I am made to feel like her life is so much harder than mine and that I don't have to deal with the same challenges she does.

All together, you and your wife are responsible for: parenting two very young kids + one full-time job + managing a household. That's a lot. That's more than 2 persons' worth of work. You are both really tired, overworked and stressed out.

It's not a competition. You shouldn't compare yourself to her and try to figure out "who has it worse".

It sounds like you both need to work on expressing appreciation for each other and also getting to the heart of what the other person is communicating (because "sending Instas to my husband" is a very weird roundabout way of communicating, and I suspect the message you're getting is not the one she's meaning to send.)

Have you looked into couples counseling? This is bread-and-butter stuff for a marital therapist.

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ThrowRA_resentfuldad OP t1_ja9vz8n wrote

This is a great message. Thank you for the kick in the butt on what I have felt we needed for a while with counseling. We have a pretty good marriage but we have these "bread and butter" challenges that slowly erode what is working well. You nailed it..."its not a competition". And "I suspect the message you're getting is not the one she's meaning to send" yeah I think you are right. Thank you.

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invomitous-rex t1_jac5qy4 wrote

I basically came here to say exactly what this comment said. So I won’t repeat their excellent advice.

What I will say is that as someone who is also a parent with a young child (who just started kindergarten and it’s a BIG change that the whole family is struggling with) I understand how easy it is to accidentally make someone else’s crappy feelings about yourself. Like, I can tell right now my husband is flat and exhausted because he’s been taking our son in the mornings before doing long days at the hospital as a medical student. I’m also exhausted because I’m doing pick ups, working full time and being newly pregnant. We’re both working really hard, and we both feel pretty shit. And when I see how tired and flat he is, I often feel really guilty because he’s doing so much, but also angry because I know how much I’M doing and part of me is like…. I’m trying so hard and he’s still feeling burnt out so what’s the point of me making an effort?

But of course, it’s not about me. Just like my exhaustion is not about him, or rather about him somehow having it easy or letting me down. One of the hardest things we can learn how to do is let our partners feel like crap without trying to fix it, because sometimes there’s nothing to fix. Which is not to say that counselling wouldn’t help you - I think it really would - I guess what I’m saying is that your wife expressing negativity doesn’t necessarily make that something you need to feel responsible for. You don’t have to pick up what she’s putting down, because realistically, she’s not putting it down for you - she’s putting it down for herself, so she doesn’t have to carry it for a little bit. Personally I think there are much more effective ways for her to handle the strain she’s under than what she’s currently doing, but I also think a good old fashioned whinge can be extremely important and cathartic. It might just need to be tempered with a more balanced and optimistic approach overall. And I think you could also benefit from some support around how you can let your wife feel her feelings (even the unpleasant ones) without it being something you feel responsible for changing.

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xoxoLizzyoxox t1_jac7jjm wrote

I dont wanna say she has it easy but as a single mother to 2 who never had a nanny or help...she has it easy breezy compared to most mothers in the world. Im going to assume she is either depressed (maybe she should get a hobby that takes her away from the kids and back with adults) or she has PPD (its a depression too but completely different). Its easy to "lose yourself" when you become a parent, no matter how much help you have. Do you take her out on dates? I see you say what you do for the family but do you do things for your wife as a wife and not just the mother of your children?

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ThrowRA_resentfuldad OP t1_jaede4j wrote

Thank you for the perspective. I think we both feel very fortunate and have stated that to each other. But then when we look inward to our little personal bubble we do way too much self pitty vs what the other's role is. Yeah we do go on dates about once a month without kids, and we go out to a nice dinner with kids about 2x a month. We have not gone on a nice vacation without kids in years though.

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NinjaNeither3333 t1_ja9t8yt wrote

You seem like a great partner.

It sounds like your wife is really struggling but not expressing it well. Do you think she’d be open to therapy?

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ThrowRA_resentfuldad OP t1_jaedpjn wrote

She has said she is, as I have recommended couples counseling. I don't even really know where to start though with our schedules and adding yet another thing to our week. Now with more remote services like better help I should look into it again. She is also not a very emotional person and doesn't open up a lot, so it may be a slow start but she has said she would do it if I want it. good advice, thank you.

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is_that_read t1_jadb8jt wrote

She has found the female equivalent of the red pill on her social media’s. let’s call it the pink pill. Good luck

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trilliumsummer t1_jaa69ys wrote

Take a week off work. Tell your wife to go visit family or something. Watch the kids like she does. Maybe at the end of the week you'll have a lot more insight into what she goes through. Maybe at the end of the week you'll really have some stuff to point out how you're doing a fairer division of labor.

I honestly say EVERY partner of a SAHP needs to do this frequently. Most adults know what it's like to work every day, not all of them know what it is to be a SAHP. It's a lot easier to have a productive conversation when you literally know what the other side is like. Instead of saying "You're lucky to not work 9-5!!!" completely ignoring you said you work 12 hour days so that's a 9-9 job she's doing at home and a 24 hour one when you travel.

You're working 12 hour days when you're not traveling. Yes she has help, but it sounds like a lot of the time she's on her own. A nanny 3x a week helps, as does preschool, and parents, but if you're traveling for the entire week that's still A LOT of childcare on her own. A lot.

Not to say that you're not doing anything, but damn being a mom is hard no matter how lucky you are. And it seems like you're just not acknowledging at all that it is hard even with help.

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ThrowRA_resentfuldad OP t1_jaa8zb7 wrote

Sorry, just to clarify, when I travel for work I do 12-hour days, but when I am not traveling I leave the house at 7:30 am after I make breakfast and help to get the kids ready and am home by 5 pm to make dinner and help with the bedtime routine.

But your point is still taken. I think that is why I have been so stoic on the situation, because I do have a lot of respect and empathy for what she does as a SAHM. Its really hard work and she does a great job at it (our kids are always nailing milestones and maturing really well). And she sends me tons of links and narratives about how hard being a SAHM is, so I feel like I get a solid dose of that reality. But I guess my concern has been that no matter how hard I work to make it "right" I don't ever feel like the tide is shifting and I'm just not feeling the appreciation or respect. I think some of the other comments have hardened this for me, but I probably just have a communication issue on my hands.

I appreciate your advice and I think that is a fair thing to try. Im sure it would give me more appreciation for what she does when I am at work, and the monotony of a full week of it vs just the weekends like I do now. That said I am not sure it will cure my growing resentment. Like what is the inverse of that where she feels what it is like to deal with the insane pressure and stress of being an executive at a company, getting up at the crack of dawn to do chores and cook breakfast, then race off to work and grind in meetings for 8 striaght hours, to race home and make dinner and put kids to bed. Im mentally and emotionally exhausted and yet I feel like I am always hearing her side of the challenges of our life. But me just complaining more doesn't make things better. Anyways, sorry for the long-winded repsonse.

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trilliumsummer t1_jaabfsh wrote

So part of it is to give you insight. Because she's coming at it from you just don't know. Which is fair, you don't, but it's hard to have a productive conversation if it's you saying "it can't be that hard stop sending me stuff saying that" and her saying "it is hard stop telling me it isn't and that I need to be feeling lucky and grateful!" You're both kinda stuck on your side, but by doing this you can walk her side and at least come at it from "hey I know what you're doing, I lived it! Can we now come together and figure out how to handle what we're both feeling together?"

Plus besides this hopefully giving her the feeling of you trying to see her side and get what she's feeling and saying - it also gets her out and gives her a break. Gets her from being stuck in mom mode. Hopefully gives her back a little of herself (especially since you said she's not taking time for herself even with all her help). And also hopefully refreshes her so she can come back to the table with some fresh eyes.

So I was thinking of it as a dual purpose. It gives you insight into what she's actually going through, it gives her a break, hopefully it lets you both reset from your trenches, and then both be able to work together.

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Red_V_Standing_By t1_ja9yhoj wrote

Hey, I just want to say that my situation is extremely similar to what you wrote and I finally got to the end of my rope and asked for a divorce. (I also have two young kids, I also am very financially set, married for 10 years, etc.)

Women like this always need to be the victim of societal oppression, no matter how much you give. Just because having children is an asymmetrical burden for moms, that doesn’t give her free reign to take you for granted and treat you like a servant - especially since it sounds like you’re a great provider and attentive father.

No matter what you do (vacations, nannies, cars, homes, chores, running baths, childcare, etc.) it will never be enough - and it doesn’t matter to her that she provides you with far less than you provide her. You will begin to deeply resent her lack of understanding or reciprocation. I went without sex for 4 years in a marriage like this before I had enough and realized that it’s my responsibility to be a role model for my children in how they are treated in relationships.

You know why divorces are so expensive? Because they’re worth it.

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ThrowRA_resentfuldad OP t1_jaa7d46 wrote

There is a lot to process in this. I appreciate the note and the candor. There is a lot good with our marriage, she is my best friend, we enjoy each other's company, we have affection, but your sentence of "You will begin to deeply resent her lack of understanding or reciprocation" kind of hit the nail on the head of my concern. I am hopeful I can turn the ship but you gave me some important perspective. Thanks.

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sanguinepsychologist t1_jaao007 wrote

I think a much bigger issue here is kind of losing yourself in motherhood and not getting any time away from it all, forgetting yourself as a person with hobbies and interests outside of the parenting. How often does your wife see friends, goes shopping or to the SPA, or engages in sports or activities outside the home ?

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ThrowRA_resentfuldad OP t1_jaeexsz wrote

She sees her friends a lot actually, especially recently as almost all of them are new mothers as well. I will say that so much of her previous "self" was tied up with her work and career. So when she sees friends now its usually with their kids, and when she comes home its with her kids. So I think as I reflect that some of her frustration around division of responsibilities is less about how hard we work but more that she is kids 24/7 and I am not and I get that mental break every day from kids...and meanwhile I am frustrated because I feel like I am working harder and doing more stuff. Clearly we need a better way to have these discussions directly with each other.

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sanguinepsychologist t1_jaehk1m wrote

I think you’re hitting the nail on the head here. I say this a single mother: the moment my partner took on some childcare and I could start leaving the house for a few hours every now and again, my life changed. That mental break is so important. Find ways for your wife to spend some time away from the kids, just for herself, even once a week for an hour or two. It will help.

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rockrnger t1_ja9gbms wrote

She is going to complain no matter what.

best bet is just to agree and not take it personally.

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mrzmckoy t1_jadcykx wrote

Other than "sometimes she wants to cook" what exactly does she accomplish around the home other than breastfeeding? You have every right to resent the situation. You're going out and working then coming home and working, even working before work in the mornings while she has a nanny and all day to do nothing.

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ThrowRA_resentfuldad OP t1_jaegrqy wrote

Yeah I mean I guess you nailed my frustration. Not to inventory everything, but she watches our youngest all day and is very attentive with him doing activities, taking him for walks, to the park, his meals during the day, she does most of the kids laundry, manage doctors appointments, and she takes the kids to music class and on play dates with her friends and their kids. So basically between her and the nanny she has created a really amazing developmental environmental for our kids. Where I get frustrated is that I just feel so burnt out between work and helping at home, yet she is constantly complaining about being exhausted which is what really needles me.

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yodaone1987 t1_jab0sc5 wrote

She sounds anxious/depressed or just burnt out in general. She must get some time and you must talk to her about this

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Ok-Painting4168 t1_jabon19 wrote

Eva Rodsky: Fair Play. Read it, please: it helps to resolve such conflicts.

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ThrowRA_resentfuldad OP t1_jaeiao0 wrote

She recommended I read this and I basically ignored it after she did because I assumed it was yet another narrative of how hard the SAHM life is and how its underappreciated and that society hasn't supported the reality of parenthood in our work/life balance and women get stuck holding the mental and physical coverage of this. But I have accepted all of that and very supportive of that narrative. I feel like I have done literally everything in my power to help (give her options to work or not, financially and any literally any support she needs (she chose nanny 3x a week not me), my time outside of work to help) and it hasnt really changed the situation. I will read the book since you are recommending it, but that is why I haven't yet.

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Ok_Construction_1638 t1_jace7fp wrote

Your relationship ship sounds very tiring. You are currently in a place of competition against each other, you need to get to a place of team work.

I would love to see this from her perspective tbh. Ask her to share it with you!! From your side you are clearly working very hard for your family and doing everything you can, that's good! You seem to expect gratitude when it's really what you should be doing anyway though. You need to get into why she feels the way she does and work with her to resolve it. You also need to share your own feelings in non-accusatory way.

Once you've got everything out in the open you can start to deal with it. You're obvious a successful guy there's a million methods used in business to resolve problems like this, you probably use them regularly. Bring them home and switch out all the buzz words for something more personal and get this resolved.

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nothanksandthensome t1_jaa796d wrote

You're both too focused on competing with each other about who does the most and who has it the hardest to remember that you're both in this together. You both have it fucking hard, and that shared hardship isn't supposed to divide you; it's supposed to unite you.

When your wife sends you Instagram reels of mothers who hard it hard, she is most likely not tryingb to target you but simply to tell you how she feels. Is that a good, constructive way of communicating? No! But it's also not necessarily an attack on you, and if your wife communicates through Instagram reels, she might even find it funny and empathetic if you were to share a similar reel of a father struggling.

You obviously both have a lot of feelings at the moment, and you need to sit down and talk about them before either of you let your growing resentment get the better of you. When you do, don't focus so much on all the things you feel like you are each doing wrong. Instead, focus on what you need more of or what you need done differently.

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Moist-Sky7607 t1_jaamhct wrote

Carrying the heavy labor ebbs and flows during relationships because life events.

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MidLyfeCrisys t1_jab0ns7 wrote

Why do I feel like this post is total bullshit?

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SallysRocks t1_jaav1lw wrote

Blah blah blah post this 10000000 times already HIRE A CLEANER.

−11

SherrKhan32 t1_jab4hsw wrote

A Nanny 3x a week for 8 hr days, Grandparents for 15 hrs a week, AND a cleaner? Why not just let her stop being a Mom and partner altogether? lmao

9

IncomeFundManager t1_jaa1uj9 wrote

You’re not the head of the household you’re acting as if you’re equal partners and you’re not

There’s a lot of things wrong with this

−15

fishmom5 t1_jaacpep wrote

You are a TEAM. Act like it.

It doesn’t matter whose day to day is harder. It’s COVID times. It’s all fucking hard.

Your wife is reaching out asking for validation, because unlike you, she doesn’t have performance evaluations, raise negotiations, or even colleagues to pat her on the butt and say “rough one out there today, huh”. She’s communicating- albeit poorly- with the adult who’s supposed to have her back.

So have it! You tell us all about the great respect you have for SAHP- tell her!

And tell her how hard your days are, too. Be honest. Send her memes about office work. There’s no shortage.

−18

ThrowRA_resentfuldad OP t1_jaadnxc wrote

Thanks for the note, its good advice. I try to tell her at least once a week how much I appreciate her, and how great of a mom she is. But I think your message was a good reminder that sometimes people just need to vent and a partner is supposed to be there to listen and support. Your analogy of the office and the validation is super insightful.

I also think I probably need to be more vocal about the validation and appreciation that I need. She is not one to give out thank yous and appreciation frequently and I am definitely someone who craves validation, so I probably just need to express that. But asking for appreciation sometimes defeats the positive impact it has so I stopped reminding her.

5

fishmom5 t1_jaafmbv wrote

I get it. I’m like your wife- I don’t do the words of affirmation thing, and that’s what my husband needs. He has to remind me, too, since it’s so counter to my personality (which is dysfunctional, don’t get me wrong). What’s easier for us is for me to remember to thank him every so often, which often transitions to compliments.

I think you would both tremendously benefit from couples counseling- I think you both just need to learn to hear each other and speak in the same language. Not to be cliche about it.

−3