How to proceed with friendship (26/27f) after I (25f) was not made a bridesmaid?

Submitted by dashakimova t3_127u9eg in relationship_advice

Recently, I (25f) was not made a bridesmaid in my friend Sarah’s (26/27f) wedding while my three friends did. This obviously hurt but had made me rethink our relationship. One of my friends, Elizabeth, thinks that my relationship with Sarah is in a “lull” and will get better. I dont think so for various reasons.

My other friend, Elizabeth is also getting married, and I’m in her bridal party with the other girls. For her wedding, I plan on painting her a huge painting, will go on an expensive bachelorette party, and help out with anything bridal related since I’m a crafty/ artistic person.

The problem is, I don’t think I will be doing those things for Sarah. It will be quite obvious but I don’t feel like our relationship is on the same level as mine and Elizabeth’s. The question is how do I go about this without seeming petty and rude? Everyone else is expecting me to go on the bachelorette trip (across the country and at least 1k) and be involved in her wedding planning and what not.

I feel justified but my friends all want to act like everything is the same as before her engagement party. Obviously things aren’t and like I said, I don’t wanna seem rude and petty but I don’t want to put effort and time into a relationship I feel is gone. I also don’t want to lose my other friends.

Any advice? Am I being petty and should I just swallow my pride and do the same things for her that I’m doing for my other friend?

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UsuallyWrite2 t1_jefvcb3 wrote

She’s not obligated to have anyone in her wedding party that she doesn’t want to. What you know now is that she doesn’t consider you as close of a friend as you thought you were. That’s okay but it also means you don’t need to go all out—you’re just a guest. Behave as a guest.

I wouldn’t go on a cross country bachelorette trip to begin with—that’s too much money in my mind. But I’d go to the wedding and get $50 gift or whatever. An engraved photo frame with their wedding date or something like that.

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dashakimova OP t1_jefxjs4 wrote

I agree. I think the issue I’m having is this double standard of “we’re not close friends but I still want you to do all this stuff for me”. Like the bachelorette trip, being involved with asking how the planning is going, offering help, and showing up early on the day of the wedding to have a first look with her? Originally, she wanted me to not be a bridesmaid but still spend the whole day getting ready with her and the bridal party.

That’s what I was thinking but I know it’s a stark contrast to what I’m doing for Elizabeth and it’s gonna be awkward because we still run in the same circle. And the other girls expect me to act like one of them but not be one of them. It’s just odd.

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UsuallyWrite2 t1_jefyct8 wrote

I was kind of in your shoes when I was I college. Here’s the thing…all of us ladies are still friends 20+ years later and not one of us thinks about weddings anymore as we all realized those are just snapshots in time and hell—most of them are divorced and remarried at this point.

Do what you want to do. Feel your feelings. I personally would not put in the same level of effort for Sarah as Elizabeth though.

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dashakimova OP t1_jeg6x1a wrote

Thank you for your perspective, I’ll have to keep it in mind!

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LongjumpingAgency245 t1_jegu8fg wrote

Don't put yourself out there. Less stress on you. The bridal party will do their part.

Have fun with the wedding you are involved with. It sounds like you will make it an amazing experience.

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YourRAResource t1_jefuvgp wrote

I think you should talk to her and tell her how you feel. Ask her why you're not in the bridal party. If you're close friends, you're not unreasonable to have feelings about it. Good luck.

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