My(32f) boyfriend(35m) complains that I don't let him do house chores

Submitted by ThrowRA_jigglychores t3_127s37f in relationship_advice

When I see something that needs to be done, I go ahead and do it because it bothers me having to ask others to do stuff, I'm not their boss and I personally hate when people ask me to do chores. This translates into me doing most of the house work, because we don't have a formal division and I proactively do things that need to get done for my own peace of mind, like vacuuming the house, taking out the trash, doing laundry, etc. When I see him doing something around the house, I find something else that needs to be done and work on it. When I'm doing something around the house, he's usually doing something else on his computer like studying, working or playing games. He usually takes the initiative to do big cleanups once every few weeks, like cleaning and organizing the kitchen cabinets, while I normally focus on daily/weekly tasks. We've been together for 4 years, living together for 3, no kids.

We both work from home and when lunch time comes (we have lunch everyday at the same time) I just get up and go to the kitchen. He doesn't, so it happens often that I prepare and serve lunch and call him to eat, and sometimes he goes to the kitchen for five minutes while I'm cooking and goes back to his desk to work when he sees I got it under control (I mean, it's lunch, of course any functioning adult in normal conditions would have it under control).

Today after I called him for lunch he was surprised that I finished cooking so fast, and I responded (a bit bitterly) that it wasn't fast, it took me 40 minutes. I think my tone triggered him because he proceeded to scold me for not giving him a chance to do things and always doing everything by myself without asking him for help. I told him I'm not happy to do things by myself but am even less happy about having to ask him to do something that needs to be done every day on a clear schedule that is in both our agendas. We got into an argument when I told him I don't want to need to ask him for help because I don't want to always be the one who takes the initiative, and ended with a passive aggressive "sorry for spending time preparing a meal for you". He got annoyed and said that we don't need to be both in the kitchen to prepare lunch and prefers to split the work, so from now on he will take care of lunch every other day.

I'm happy with this arrangement but it's not the first time we get into an argument because (using his words) "I do everything by myself" and "don't give him any chances to do chores around the house", so I'm wondering what we can do to solve this and mitigate future conflicts.

Any outside opinion is appreciated, thanks!

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TelevisionMelodic340 t1_jefjk74 wrote

Talk about it, in detail. Talk about what needs to get done, and how often it should get done (you two may have differing opinions on this). Then divide it all up - if there are things you hate doing but he doesn't mind, he gets those, and vice versa what what he hates doing. Then the other stuff gets divided equally by the time it takes. Idea is that you each end up with a roughly equal time commitment to get your share done.

You could decide to switch it off by week or month or whatever, so nobody's stuck with the same chores forever.

I agree with you that you shouldn't be "in charge' and have to tell him to do things. But I'm guessing from your description that his opinion on how often things need to get done differs from yours, so you get to the point where you think it needs doing before he does. Y'all just need to talk about it and come up with a plan than works for you both, which seems fair and equal.

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ThrowRA_jigglychores OP t1_jefrac2 wrote

Thanks for the practical advice, I think the main problems is that we don't know what each other prefers and have no visibility on what each other is doing, and talking about it seems challenging but rewarding

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TelevisionMelodic340 t1_jefutgv wrote

Yup, if you don't know what the other prefers, talking about it is the only way to learn that.

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Mysterious-Wave-7958 t1_jeflj7v wrote

Sorry I RANT in this and it looses coherence at some point:

Ok so first of something that I have noticed in life. No research I can think to back me up but Years of observation of my father, brother, husband, male relatives vs mother, myself, female relatives. This is generalizations and not fact just from my experience

Men do not either notice or think that things need to be done right away. Men will leave anything to the next day and the next day and so on and so forth. I don't believe this is a conscious choice/decision. I think they are just wired to have "blinders" up around their eyes and ears. (example being if a baby cries they will sit there until mom handles it or until they "feel like it is bad enough"; open a bag of chips and either leave it open to stale or empty on the coffee table, stomp around house in dirty shoes and leave trail to be stepped in by others, etc.) Or they will do it and do it to such a subpar level that it is harder to redo it then if they would have just left it alone. This is where the term weaponized incompetence comes from.

Women notice and jump to handle everything. It bothers us to see something not being taken care of immediately. Like stresses us fully. (example, baby cries we jump, we throw everything away as we go, we take shoes off to make sure we do not tract stuff through home, etc.)

Now, what is concerning is that he is pushing the blame for his lack of initiative off on you having initiative. While like I said above men seem to me at least have not domestic initiative built in to their dna, they can infact change that. I always coin it as "if your job said you had to have the work place spotless (like lick the floor and not get nothing in your mouth clean) they would 100% do it with out having to be told or reminded. So why is the home different." Your BF knows that you will infact handle it all so he lets you. It is not that "you get to it first" it is that he doesn't want to and wouldn't do it but his excuse for his lack of initiative is that you did it first. This is showing he is 100% aware of the fact that you are doing everything. He saw what ever it is that you handled first. He knew. Or else the response would be a clueless one of not even realizing that was a thing.

When you actually "listen" to what people say to you it is very telling of the fact that they know exactly what they are doing.

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ThrowRA_jigglychores OP t1_jefs4qc wrote

Good point that him complaining that I do everything just shows that he is in fact aware of our current division, and I'm now realizing that I'm not ok with him knowing this and still acting like a victim.

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UsuallyWrite2 t1_jeflx7k wrote

That’s a fun twist on reality. You don’t “let him” do chores. 😂

I’m just envisioning you telling him “oh honey, don’t take out the trash or sweep the floor. I want to do all the chores myself!” Good lord. If that’s true, I’ve got ocean front property for him in Arizona. 🙄

Not only has he mastered weaponized incompetence, he’s blaming YOU for it. Have him read this: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

And call his bluff. As him to write out a chore chart and sign himself up.

I don’t like passive aggressive stuff so I would just be direct. “Babe, you said that you want to do more so let’s see about a solution here. Why don’t you write up a chore chart and we can divide things up. Im used to doing pretty much all the stuff because I don’t like waiting til it’s overwhelming and I don’t want the emotional labor of directing you like a child. So make the list of what you perceive to be the needed things, then let’s review it together and I’ll add my input and then we can get the division of labor more balanced.”

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ThrowRA_jigglychores OP t1_jefrml5 wrote

It's a good idea to ask him to write down the chores and create a chart for us to work together. It will shed some light into what he thinks is important and what he thinks I'm doing. Thanks for the advice!

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sexworkerr t1_jegaffm wrote

I'd let him do house chores. How do his Thursdays look? Would he do gutters?

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AffectionateWheel386 t1_jeflra9 wrote

You were also turning yourself into a 1955 housewife. Plus you’re preventing him from being able to share and bond in the relationship. Give up some of the control and involve your boyfriend if you want him there

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