How do I (33M) make my partner (33F) stop feeling like my mum?

Submitted by Upset-Rooster-1655 t3_126ra9s in relationship_advice

Okay, it is not as weird as the title sounds. I have ADHD and my partner has OCD. It’s like a clash of irresistible force fighting against an immovable object lol.

I am a bit chaotic, unstructured and always live in the moment. Meanwhile my partner is OCD and super structured, and always planned in advanced for everything.

It bothers her when I don’t look after things the way she looks after things, and it bothers me that she doesn’t live a chill life and want to bicker about these tiny things like not using a coaster, being too loud unintentionally, or not putting things back to where they belong.

Okay just to specify, I clean and keep things tidy, spend a lot of my time a day to do the chores, and I think I do a decent job, like 80% of her standards, which she admires. But the rest 20% I can’t - I don’t even humanly see those things.

And she is now 20% chill, like she does leave untidy stuff behind, and I am more than happy to clean after her as it doesn’t bother me.

We live in her house and it’s all her stuff, and she’s rather very protective of her belongings and she has this constant fear that I am ruining her house and have reduced her standard of living lol, and I see it as she’s a little more chill than usual.

I want to care about her house like it’s mine, I don’t honestly know how to stop being clumsy, how to put the oven gloves in right particular positions, not to leave a bread crumb ever on the floor, or be always sophisticated basically.

Please be kind to me, I do have ADHD, and she has OCD. I want to make this relationship work and go back to the fun mode. She is the most amazing woman ever, but I am struggling to not get angry when we have an argument about me being clumsy or leaving trails of untidiness behind, as I keep thinking of it as an accusation as she does it at times as well and I don’t care about it, and gladly clean after her.

Any advice for me please?

Thank you Reddit, you are the best.

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asghettimonster t1_jeadwx9 wrote

You both desperately need to tried and true CHORES LIST. Who does what, HOW they do it, WHEN they do it, and check mark after doing it. This works

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Upset-Rooster-1655 OP t1_jeaej81 wrote

Thank you, we have not tried a chores list as yet, we have tried splitting workload and pro active owning it. Maybe writing it all down and maintaining it will work. Will give it a shot. Thank you.

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UsuallyWrite2 t1_jeaeklu wrote

ADHD may be a reason but it’s not an excuse. What are you doing to mitigate your disability? Meds? Therapy? Other strategies?

The stuff you listed isn’t OCD on her part. it’s common sense. I’d lose my shit if someone was putting a glass down without a coaster on one of my coffee tables or my piano. I would be annoyed as hell if my partner was leaving bread crumbs on the floor or not putting shit away or just shoving stuff wherever instead of where it belongs. The kitchen especially is a place where I expect everyone to pick up and put away because I don’t want to have to clean before I can cook or have to go hunting for a specific tool or the damned pot holders when I need them.

I have ADHD so I do understand that basic shit can be hard but again, that’s a reason, not an excuse. Do better or you’re not going to have a GF and place to live. No one wants to feel like a parent to their partner.

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Upset-Rooster-1655 OP t1_jeaf5n8 wrote

Thank you for this, you are right. I have been doing therapy, and have stopped my meds lately.

I do fear about those things you wrote.

Thanks.

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UsuallyWrite2 t1_jeagiwc wrote

I (44F) didn’t get diagnosed until I was 43 after my good friend took her daughter to be tested and we talked about it. Women are under diagnosed as we don’t tend to have the hyperactivity component.

I have struggled my entire life—always very successful but things just take so much effort. I didn’t realize until after I got meds that other people didn’t have to try so hard to do so little. I thought everyone struggled and I was lazy or a procrastinator or dumb or something.

Kicker? I’m a project manager. I’m very organized with work and at home and require routine and structure else things feel really out of control.

It sounds like you’ve kind of gone the other way and just play everything by ear and casual and “it will work out.” Know why you can? Because you had a parent and now a GF picking up after you and organizing things. Most women don’t have that luxury.

I truly am not trying to kick you while you’re down or trying to be an asshole here….it’s just that your post is so…dismissive. Like she should just relax. But what you’re asking is for her to behave like a feral little kid with no rules just like you do. That’s simply not going to work for most people.

If you don’t want to be on a stimulant like aderall, there are other meds like strattera. I’d strongly recommend that you speak to your doctor. And also with your therapist, about some CBT specific to ADHD. There are some pretty basic things you can do like list making, prioritization, breaking things down into smaller tasks, setting timers or alarms, checklists, and so forth. Much of that you can also find online with a Google.

Good luck.

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stellastellamaris t1_jeasekf wrote

>It bothers her when I don’t look after things the way she looks after things, and it bothers me that she doesn’t live a chill life and want to bicker about these tiny things like not using a coaster, being too loud unintentionally, or not putting things back to where they belong.

Not sure what "being too loud unintentionally" has to do with the rest of this, Upset-Rooster-1655, but none of this seems unreasonable to me. (Use the coaster! Pick up after yourself and put things where they belong!)

>I want to care about her house like it’s mine, I don’t honestly know how to stop being clumsy, how to put the oven gloves in right particular positions, not to leave a bread crumb ever on the floor, or be always sophisticated basically.

What does "being clumsy" mean in this context? (Or "be always sophisticated", for that matter?) And how does it relate to sweeping the kitchen floor more often?

>I want to make this relationship work and go back to the fun mode.

Does "fun mode" mean no responsibility for the maintenance of your shared living space?

What do you think might help "make this relationship work" and is it showing respect for her house and belongings and cleaning up after yourself?

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