I broke up with my ex of 9 months a year ago, the relationship was very toxic. I'll spare you the details, but he was very avoidant and basically an angry gamer boyfriend.

Sex always felt like a chore to me, he rarely asked me to hang out and when we did, he was on his phone or played games with his friends. So sex was basically the only time he paid attention to me, I felt like I had to do it in order to gain "affection" from him?

In the beginning I was never able to come, he always said it's my fault and that other normal women would've come 100times at this point. We tried almost everything but it didn't work, only when we bought a toy. That also only worked after a month or so of trying. However, that also didn't last long. The last months of our relationship he basically used me for self satisfaction, he rarely paid attention to me, only when initiating sex.

Well we broke up and I also went to therapy, I'm over him, but the wounds of what he did still lie pretty deep within me.

I feel like my view on sex is sort of distorted, I never did it for myself. I had other sex partners after my relationship and I never enjoyed it that much, but always assured them afterwards that I had a lot of fun and enjoyed it and that they shouldn't worry about me not coming.

I met a guy on tinder and we're fwb now. Not sure if it's of any importance, but I'm dating casually now (so he's not the only one) and we see each other like once, maybe twice a month. He lives 40min away and we always spend the night together, so we do see each other for a long time when we do. I don't feel the need to see him more often.
The first time we slept together I did enjoy, but not as much as I said I did, I literally told him like 5 times that I enjoyed it even though I didn't come. We met yesterday and slept together again and I feel like it was the first time I wanted to do it for myself. We tried making me come, I showed him what I do and I also brought my toy, but it just didn't work. At some point I suddenly broke down crying, I think trying to make me come to no avail triggered me. I had to think of what happened with my ex and I felt a ton of pressure. It also frustrated me that I wasn't able to come, it felt like something was wrong with me? My fwb is very empathic and assured me it's totally fine, so it wasn't because of him. At some later point we had sex again and I did it for myself and no one else, I actually enjoyed it without coming. But I still felt a little bad.

I don't know what to do or how to approach this. I can suppress this all by not even trying to come, like the last times with my fwb, but I don't think that's sustainable at all and I do actually want to. Do you have any advice?

TLDR: Due to a past toxic relationship I feel like something is wrong with me, because I can't come during sex. It pressures me a lot and I also can't with other guys.

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PolackMike t1_jeg1s7y wrote on March 31, 2023 at 7:17 PM

#2,545,387

Sounds like you're in your head about it. A mental block never helps for a man or a woman when trying to climax. It sounds like you need to have an emotional connection in order to enjoy yourself properly. I would suggest seeing a therapist and having them help you through the mental block. Your ex really fucked you up and it's worth it to talk to someone.

MadamKitsune t1_jeg6wnd wrote on March 31, 2023 at 7:51 PM

#2,547,072

First rule: don't fib about how much you enjoyed it and don't fake it. If someone thinks they are hitting all the right buttons because you aren't being truthful about how many they're missing then they'll carry on doing it that way and you won't get the satisfaction you deserve.

Secondly, never have sex out of obligation. If you don't want it, you don't have to do it. Forcing yourself to have sex just to please someone else/keep them around only reinforces any negative associations you already have.

Third your ex is a selfish, lazy tool. His penis is not a magic wand that can make any woman orgasm just by pointing it in her direction. Work on dropping that idea from your mindset because it's created a mental roadblock that you can't get past without help. The truth is that many women have trouble reaching orgasm from penetration alone and need extra mental, emotional and physical stimulation to get their own personal best out of sex. You are not defective, you are not unusual and you are not alone.

Finally knowing how to please yourself and being confident in expressing it to an open and understanding partner will help. Reading Come As You Are by Dr Emily Nagoski might be a helpful starting point for you to begin your explorations. Good luck!

Murky_Anxiety4884 t1_jeg898n wrote on March 31, 2023 at 8:00 PM

#2,547,532

>Sex always felt like a chore to me ... In the beginning I was never able to come, he always said it's my fault ... I feel like my view on sex is sort of distorted, I never did it for myself. I had other sex partners after my relationship and I never enjoyed it that much ... We tried making me come, I showed him what I do and I also brought my toy, but it just didn't work. At some point I suddenly broke down crying, I think trying to make me come to no avail triggered me.

The first lie that your ex told you was that it was your fault. Fault and guilt have nothing to do with it. You do not owe anybody an orgasm. Not even yourself. Orgasms, when they happen, are a treat. A treat for you. You're thinking of your own orgasms as a gift to your partner, not a gift to yourself. Please be more selfish about this.

I recommend getting lots of practice in giving orgasms to yourself. By yourself, you don't need to think about anyone else. Try different things, just to see what works and what doesn't. It's all about you.

Once you start to get good at giving orgasms to yourself, think about things you could do with another body in the room to spice things up. Even if it's just somebody to help you operate three toys all at once. Then add that body. Make it a fun, stress-free, exploration. Above all, be sure to enjoy the things that aren't orgasms too.