My (40f) husband (45m) has found out my kids aren’t his

Submitted by throwra44s t3_1282ysw in relationship_advice

Tldr; he paternity tested all 4 of them and none were his so now he’s filing for a divorce and not talking to my kids at all.

My kids possible bio dad isn’t in my life anymore. He told me he was sick of being my plaything and told me if I loved him I’d have married him, he said I loved money instead and hates me now. He has blocked me on everything and completely cut me off. I still have feelings for him.

My husband hates me, my kids hate me because they’re old enough to understand, well the oldest two explained things to my youngest. They are all against me and what’s even worse is my husbands rejecting them. He’s told my son he’s not his son and told me to take the kids and leave. He wants a divorce and for me to have full custody. He’s pulled them all out of private school, he’s given them a terms notice. So on top of all this I have to find a new school for all of them. He’s also cancelled everything he pays for for them and tells me I’m lucky he’s not asking for the money back. I don’t work but I’ll have to look for a job soon.

My son wants to know the name of his bio dad ‘if I know’. I haven’t told him. His dad was a bit of a wreck and poor as dirt if I’m honest, I think he’s got an alright job now and lives in a flat but that’s still poor to my son. My kids are all very materialistic which is a trait I don’t like in them. But at the time their dad was poor and just unstable to have kids with but I just kept seeing him because I loved him and still love him.

Anyways I made this post partly to get things off my chest and partly just to ask what I should do about all the failed relationships in my life? How can I fix things?

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peakpenguins t1_jegytzy wrote

✔️ fucked around

✔️ found out

It's unfortunate that your kids ended up as collateral damage for your stupid decisions though.

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DameLizardville t1_jeh0qu3 wrote

“My kids are all very materialistic which is a trait I don’t like in them.”

Except you and they are in this mess because of how materialistic you are.

You can’t “fix” this. But the least you can do is start thinking about your kids’ welfare first. This is one long tale of “woe is me” and I can’t see any compassion for your children whatsoever. Your husband will get over you, hopefully quickly, but your kids are going through hell right now. They’ve lost their Dad, their home, their school, their friends, and their security and safety. They’ve even lost who they thought was their Mom. And all you can do is complain about how it all affects you. It isn’t even about the cheating. Bad as that is, your complete self absorption and lack of regard for your children is horrendous.

Get a job and work out how you’re going to financially support all those kids until they’re all old enough to get far, far, away from you. The very least you have to do, is put a roof over their heads and feed them.

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Cheap_Brain t1_jegzg8j wrote

You made some bad decisions, your kids are understandably upset because their whole life has come crashing down around them. Your husband is understandably upset because kids that he loved turned out to not be his. I don’t see any way out of this other than the hard way. Admit to your mistakes, take the consequences on the chin and move forward. If you act maturely now you may be able to save a relationship with your children. You need to step up to the plate and provide for your children. Things are going to be rough.

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throwra44s OP t1_jegzw9q wrote

I know. How will I build the bond back with my kids?

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Cheap_Brain t1_jeh1gvd wrote

The best that I can suggest is to admit to your mistakes and let them know that you love them. Even when/if they rage at you. Tell them the truth of who their father is. Support them in meeting him if he and they want to.

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throwra44s OP t1_jeh2t3j wrote

I’ll do both those things. I think I’ll give a name and show a picture. My eldest might recognise him.

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Alarmed_Jellyfish555 t1_jeh1udf wrote

"My kids are all very materialistic which is a trait I don’t like in them."

Gee, I wonder where they got it from. Could it be from the married woman who was in love with her long-term affair partner/baby daddy, but stayed with her husband and pretended all of the affair partner's kids were her husband's solely to keep living in luxury?

And we're supposed to feel bad for you because after all this you have to...Get an actual job? Fascinating to me how you don't show any remorse for your own actions yet feel so comfortable harshly judging your children. Who, unlike you, are the real victims of this whole mess you made.

This is so far above Reddit's paygrade. Therapy might help. But you sound just like a greedy, self-absorbed, all-around awful person and I don't think therapy can do anything to fix that.

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Hal_Jordan55 t1_jeh367v wrote

Ignoring all the truly awful stuff you've done, where do you think your kids got their materialism from?

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UnsightlyFuzz t1_jeh3gb6 wrote

Lady, you not only cheated on your husband, but you did it continuously over a period of years and several pregnancies. How can you fix your poor relationships? How about developing some integrity and a sense of what is morally right or wrong?

By the way, public school is free. Enroll them there.

By the way #2, in a lot of jurisdictions, children born to a woman while married are considered legally the responsibility of the husband whether or not he biologically fathered them. Consult a lawyer. You may be able to collect child support on these kids even though they are not your ex's. Of course he won't be thrilled by that; but you need to meet your children's financial needs. You have already failed their emotional needs.

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silver25u t1_jeh564m wrote

I assume she’ll get some amount of financial settlement in the divorce if not alimony. I don’t disagree with you concerning child support, but conflicted about it.

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