Should I (19f) end things with my unemployed bf (24m)

Submitted by ThrowRApleasehelpo t3_125fbrz in relationship_advice

Should I end things with my unemployed bf

Throwaway in case he sees this. I have been seeing a guy for the last 6 months and am starting to have doubts. I, (19) f met him, (24) m online through gaming. He is incredibly sweet, thoughtful and caring. However I am having doubts because he is unemployed and has no direction in life. He recently got kicked out of his moms house and is living with his dad, and I have tried to encourage him to get a job because he says he wants one but doesn’t want a job that would ruin his mental health (which I understand), however I feel he’s making excuses. I got him to apply to two different jobs and one asked for him to send his resume, and I asked if he did and he said he didn’t want it due to the hours. He says he wants a job but is doing nothing to get one, is not in school and I feel like expects the perfect, respectful job to fall into his lap. I however am going to school full time and work part time. I have aspirations to be a doctor and am pursuing the medical path, but it is disheartening because I am unsure if he’ll ever change. I care about him and he is so sweet, but I am also trying to be realistic. I feel like he doesn’t understand the effort I put into my everyday life and it seems he expects me to spend even more time with him, while also “working harder” in school although I already have straight A’s. I cut corners in sleeping and eating in order to make time for him, school, and work. All he does all day is sleep and play video games. He has no idea what job he wants or wants to do with his life. He worked at a store for about two weeks when we first met and quit without telling me, keeping up appearances that he was still working because he was too ashamed to tell me.What should I do? How do I communicate this to him without hurting his feelings? I feel at this point he is making excuses and doesn’t want the responsibility of being an adult. Should I leave or stay and hope he gets his life together? Please let me know your thoughts, thanks in advance.

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Amar_Akbar_Anthony20 t1_je3z8ca wrote

He won't change. Get out of this wile you still can.

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ThrowRApleasehelpo OP t1_je3zcbs wrote

How do I go about talking to him about this? I don’t want to emasculate him or make him feel like he’s lazy or hurt his feelings.

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Amar_Akbar_Anthony20 t1_je3zihb wrote

I would maybe show him this post or set your talk up like that. Say you get the feeling he is not putting in the effort and that he expects it to fall out of the air etc. And then let him speak if he agrees or what he thinks about it.

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ThrowRApleasehelpo OP t1_je3zpvg wrote

I just worry that it isn’t my place. I know in med school I will have to rely on my partner to handle the majority of responsibilities because I will be too busy with school, and I feel like I cannot trust him to do that. His mom gave him a time frame of when to find a job or she’d kick him out, and he did not meet it. I feel like he does not comprehend having a full time job and adult responsibilities. Is there anyway you’d prefer to be told about your partners expectations? I do not want to hurt him.

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Amar_Akbar_Anthony20 t1_je406ix wrote

How is it not your place? Your his partner. And i can understand his moms approach if it hasn't clicked for him now. I don't think it will soon.

> I feel like he does not comprehend having a full time job and adult responsibilities

That is a big problem if you want to build a life and have a future together. Does he already handle responsibilities? Like household chores since he is at home?

I would prefer straight to the point and no beating around the bush. I think his feelings will be hurt anyways.

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ThrowRApleasehelpo OP t1_je40fps wrote

Thank you for your help. I have tried to talk to him about it but seem to struggle with being direct due to not wanting to hurt his feelings. All I want for him is to have a fulfilling life and it saddens me to see how he doesn’t understand that his parents are having to financially support him and how he has options but doesn’t really see that he does. I spoke to him about my concern for med school and he believes he is capable of having a full time job while cooking, cleaning, etc while I study 12+ hours a day, however his actions now say otherwise. I appreciate you taking the time out of your day to help me gain clarity on this. I do agree with you and you’re incredibly helpful

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Amar_Akbar_Anthony20 t1_je40kdz wrote

You are welcome. Goodluck talking to him.

>I spoke to him about my concern for med school and he believes he is capable of having a full time job while cooking, cleaning, etc while I study 12+ hours a day, however his actions now say otherwise

This is correct. Goodluck with this and with medical school. I hope the relationship can work out.

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robbyrandall t1_je44605 wrote

This guy needs to feel like he's lazy and his feelings need to be hurt.

You don't get anywhere in life by being coddled

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ThrowRApleasehelpo OP t1_je44g6u wrote

I am a very avoidant and people pleaser-based person and find it hard to be confrontational. I originally had hopes to motivate him to succeed, however I instead am helping him be complacent as I am his only source of socialization. I do not want to discourage him or make him doubt his capabilities, and do not want to hurt him. Do you have and advice on how to speak to him or what to say? Thanks in advance

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robbyrandall t1_je451cl wrote

Look, external motivation from you is very unlikely going to work, especially in the long term. He'll do some job searching and try to socialize, but that's only to try to please you. This guy is not getting any consequences of not trying. He has food, accommodation and a girlfriend. Why would he try to get change?

Whats best for you and what's best for him is pretty aligned. You say, thanks for all the memories, but I refuse to be dragged down with you. Goodbye

If you make it sound like it was your fault and not his, he's going to end up resenting you more and not get up and do something about his own situation

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ThrowRApleasehelpo OP t1_je459rj wrote

You are correct. I have felt that I am enabling him by providing socialization and other needs. Thank you for your words and time

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