[21F] Me and my BF [22F] are incompatible but he refuses to leave me, it's making me feel drained.

Submitted by 100unskippableads t3_127py30 in relationship_advice

I've been dating this guy for 11 months now, and we started well because of some common interests. However, a few months ago I realized that we were just incompatible as lovers but good as friends.

He's a great guy truly but he has drained me.

In conversations, I mostly have to initiate or it ends up in silence and his responses are so short or just 'idk'. When he tells me about his day, I ask about them but when I tell him about mine, it's mostly 'oohhh' or silence or he changes the topic. I thought he didn't like my conversation topics but he says he likes it, he just struggles with responding or making up topics. I understand but I have limits too.

When he gets ill, I remember and cancel shared plans so he can rest. When it's me, he forgets about it an hour later, and if I cancel plans? He gets upset thinking I'm making an excuse. When I speak with him, I often ask him how he was and how his day was and never get the same until later after I started getting distant.

I just feel like his personal cheerleader that he has sex with. I feel like a mother, a caretaker.

Months ago, I opened up about how we might be incompatible as lovers because I was having anxieties again I can't take it anymore. He wasn't happy and begged me to stay saying that he felt cared for, he felt loved by me, and he loves me. I felt like an asshole, so guilty so I stayed and tried pushing effort but it was not really working anymore so I tried breaking up again but he begged so much that I felt like a toxic asshole. His friend later has an accident and I feel awful for thinking of leaving him again.

He's not bad, I know he just has his own issues to work with but I'm not a therapist, and I'm not responsible for his character development. I'm not his mother. I feel like if I stayed, it will only destroy and give us both more issues. Even more, we are incompatible with our needs and wants and it became unhealthy.

However, the guilt- is too much for me. I feel like a monster and it makes me hate myself so much it's ruining my other relationships.

How do you break up with guys like this? How do you handle the pain and guilt of leaving someone good? How do you not break knowing they're in pain from your rejection?

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TLDR: BF and I are incompatible and the relationship is now unhealthy but every time I try to leave he begs so much that I feel guilty and evil so I stay but I can't do this anymore. How do I handle the heavy guilt of having to leave?

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WildlyUninteresting t1_jef86oa wrote

It’s because you are both worrying only about his feelings.

Who are you representing when you break up. His needs or yours? It’s supposed to be yours.

If he isn’t meeting your needs then what does begging change?

Focus on what you actually want. A healthy relationship and end this. Staying is just toxic.

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goodbye-toilet-cat t1_jefb5k9 wrote

He should be the one feeling guilty and evil for manipulating you. Dump him without an in depth explanation and without entertaining any questions.

He knows you want to break up. You’ve tried multiple times.

He knows WHY you want to break up - you’ve had endless guilt trips and arguments and manipulations, so I’m sure you’ve given him your reasons for wanting to end it.

He has all the information he needs, and at this point he’s proven that he doesn’t deserve a thoughtful discussion and gentle let down because he seizes upon that opportunity to manipulate you.

Break up with a “this isn’t working, and it’s over” statement, physically leave his presence, and block him on everything.

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pink_gem t1_jefd79p wrote

How good is he, if he doesn't care about making you feel loved? That would erase any sense of 'guilt' I had about leaving.

And in any case, staying or leaving a relationship isn't any moral judgement of character. It's simply something that does or doesn't happen based on compatibility, as you said. You are the one somehow conflating it with a moral judgement and making yourself feel guilty because of it.

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facinationstreet t1_jefdslf wrote

It doesn't sound like HE refuses to leave. It sounds like you refuse to leave.

Look, the moment one person in a relationship feels that the relationship is over, it is over. What are you getting out of dragging this out? You are the only one doing this to yourself.

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stephencua2001 t1_jefizhm wrote

You're not married, and have no kids together. You can leave for any reason, or no reason at all. Any break-up will hurt someone. Just accept that there's no good way to break up with someone, rip the bandaid off, and move on.

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what5wordsarethese t1_jefwp3q wrote

Well, it’s up to YOU to take control and leave when you’re tired of being the NPC in the relationship.

There are no prizes for “best supporting actress” in a relationship.

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mfruitfly t1_jegat9a wrote

You just do it. I know, not helpful, so I will break it down.

First, assess what you share that you need to deal with. If you have stuff of his to return, if he has stuff of yours you want back, if he has access to your money or keys to your place. For the latter items- change the passwords/get rid of accounts he has access too, and try and get the keys back a day or two before you break up with an excuse (friend is stopping by so I need to give them the spare). Also take this time to collect your shit- quietly- from his place.

Second, break up. Go to his place, with his stuff, and break it off. Keep it short and simple "this isn't working for me, as we discussed X, Y, Z, and I am ending the relationship." Now, this is where it gets hard, because he is going to argue with you, and you simply do not participate. I learned this from a boss about firing people; you have made the decision, you don't need to justify it, you don't need to prove them wrong. Let him say what he needs to say- within reason- and you simply nod and show empathy, and end with- well I disagree and have made my decision. Sidenote: If you worry he will be angry/violent, break up in a public place instead where you have your own transportation. A walk in the park or a beer garden is good for this, not a restaurant where you have to wait for the check! Coffee shops are okay but sometimes can be very quiet. Basically, a public place where you can actually have the conversation without feeling like you have an audience, and where you can escape.

Third, do not respond to attempts at communication. You don't have to start out by blocking him, but you need to commit to "I need full space apart for awhile before even figuring out if we can be friends." If he texts you about very practical things- do you have my hoodie- you can respond and keep it brief, no small talk, solve the problem, end convo. If he starts harassing you or you think you are caving, then you silence the convo or block him. I find blocking hard because I worry it was harsh (I liked this person at one point, they weren't abusive, it just didn't work out), so just control your responses, don't get dragged in to conversation, and ask him to stop or you will block him if he is like bombing you with "i miss you."

Fourth, sorry you are a woman. Because of that, I have to tell you the following: Besides breaking up in a public/safe place, you also need to be careful for the few weeks after breaking up. Maybe stay with a friend/family if you live alone or have someone stay with you. Vary your schedule a little if you can (aka, you always leave for work at 8am, maybe go in early and get coffee for a few day). Always be very vigilant of coming home and leaving home, same with work, school, or other places you frequent. Some of this is good breakup advice regardless of safety- go visit friends in a city over, have a slumber party and eat sugar, stay with family- and yes, is this all a little nuts? Sure, but it is better to spend two weeks being a bit paranoid and then laughing it off than it is to be...on Forensic Files.

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lianavan t1_jegu1oa wrote

Easy steps. Block his numbers. Start worrying about your feelings first. Right foot, left foot and continue.

1