I (38M) am a video gamer/hobbyist streamer. My SO (40F) is not.

Submitted by ThrowRA_KindSoul t3_127o4cw in relationship_advice

Hello everyone - we've been together for 2 years now - 1 year living together currently.

Last night my girlfriend and I had an argument over me being online all of the time. She feels like she is in second place when it comes to me being online with my friends. My girlfriend had a kid (20F - lives in another state) really early in life, she is estranged from her for many reasons (I've never met or talked to her kid). So, my girlfriend has one friend other than me and they barely speak / do anything together.

Before we even began our relationship, she understood this is what I like to do with my free time. I like to stream video games and maintain the social network that I've built over the last 2 decades. 3 Pairs of friends I've met online, I flew my girlfriend and I out to see them all get married last year even! They all got a chance to meet her and everyone seemed to like her and vice versa, my girlfriend said she liked them.

She told me at the beginning she liked playing video games and even built her own PC (which was very out of date). So, in an effort to bring her up to speed I built her a much faster PC that can play all modern titles so she could join us. But she's just never really "found the time" to join us. My girlfriend didn't mind so much when I was playing a video game offline with just her, but as soon as it comes to playing with my friends (a lot of whom she has met personally), she doesn't want to be involved. Nor does she want to be a part of my stream other than maybe chatting via text once in a while.

So last night I came up with a compromise with her. That I would stream/game 3 days out of the week, and the rest can be between us. She was heartbroken by that and started sobbing. She thinks that's not a compromise and that that leaves her with only 2 days during the week, because the weekends are usually involved with social gatherings (mostly my family and friend gatherings - which do include her obviously) and chores.

I'm at a loss here everyone. Video Games and Streaming are my passions and I have loved to do them ever since I was a kid. I don't want to give that up or have it bn pushed back to less than 3 days a week. Maybe I need to find another way to look at this. Any help here would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for your time!

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MikeLanglois t1_jeeyug7 wrote

Its all well and good having a hobby but it seems like that hobby takes a lot of time away from your relationship. If your compromise is "3 days a week" it sounds like it would be every night you would rather spend time talking to your friends / strangers on a stream than spend time with your girlfriend?

Do you guys do anything she likes doing as a hobby? Do you ever have time when your both unplugged from the internet and just together? She might like video games but it sounds like she enjoys them casually, whereas your life is built around them? When you said you enjoy doing it in your free time when single is fine, but in a relationship now is that still the case?

I am not saying give up your hobby completely, or give up talking to your friends, but a good relationship requires attention. If I was her I would feel pretty lonely if you preferred spending time online with people than in person with me every night.

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ThrowRA_KindSoul OP t1_jef2hxr wrote

She enjoys going to concerts! Which we usually go to 2 -3 a month. She likes to read and has tons of books to catch up on. Perhaps we could take the time to read each night. (Even though I'm not a big reader myself).

Relationships do require a lot of attention. I feel like I see my friends online (Specifically the ones we've seen get married) and as a couple they love doing the online thing as a couple. I've tried to welcome her into my social circle online, as I don't want her to be lonely. She tells me she's just not comfortable being a part of my group of friends online. Which, they've all tried to welcome her as best they can.

Perhaps though, this is just not something my girlfriend does not want to do and would rather be offline. Maybe I need to further reduce my online time but having come from doing this every evening (before our relationship), down to 3 evenings a week seems like a big compromise on my part.

Thanks for your response MikeLanglois!

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MikeLanglois t1_jef4pk2 wrote

Theres some good ideas there. You may not like reading but it sounds like she didnt like but still tried your hobby so give it a go. Theres a happy medium ground, maybe get some video game related books that you might enjoy reading more?

>I feel like I see my friends online (Specifically the ones we've seen get married) and as a couple they love doing the online thing as a couple.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Those couples might both enjoy those things, but it sounds like your partner doesnt. Thats not a bad thing. It sounds like shes more of an in-person social person rather than online.

>Perhaps though, this is just not something my girlfriend does not want to do and would rather be offline. Maybe I need to further reduce my online time but having come from doing this every evening, down to 3 evenings a week seems like a big compromise on my part.

It can be hard transitioning from a single lifestyle full of time for hobbies to in a relationship, but there is a balance that can be made. At the moment I imagine she feels like shes only there to have the intimate parts of the relationship.

As a straight to the point question, on an average evening at home, would you rather spend time with your partner, or be online with your friends? Theres no wrong answer.

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Creative_Recover t1_jef2ui9 wrote

Dude, she's just not into videogames. And I think you need to accept that than continually trying to incorporate them into your relationship together.

You shouldn't need to give up videogames, but if you play them so much it leaves no actual time for any quality time in your relationship together, then you have a problem with videogame additction. Videogame time should completely not replace date or down time together nor interfere with your sex life.

If you don't have time to meet the basic needs of a relationship because of the extent to which you play videogames, then you need to be realistic about this. Your GF is telling you that she's not into games but you are ignoring that because you don't want to cut down on any of your game time for her. Will your GF always come 2nd to your full-time videogame schedule?

You aren't really meeting half way for her at all if your version of meeting half way is to try to make her play games with you (and you won't accept anything else other than some version of that). How about you agree to playing videogames a little less and doing something IRL with her once or twice a weel? Because this is what she needs (and it's not a tall ask).

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ThrowRA_KindSoul OP t1_jef4bez wrote

I agree she doesn't seem to want to be a part of this. At the same time though I'm literally her only outlet socially. Sometimes she talks to her Mom but that's about it. I feel like it's unbalanced in that regard. I never consumed myself every day completely. I do nearly all the cooking, have a meal ready for her and we sit down and talk about the day. And even on the days I stream / play games there is always 1-2 hours (sitting down for a meal) in between.

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Creative_Recover t1_jef56ou wrote

Her playing games in your community isn't the sort of social contact she needs though. Whilst this might be enough for you, for many people it is not. You also need more than just meal time together. When was the last time you went out on a date, like going to a theme park or zoo together?

You do sound very caring, but do you think your GF might be suffering from depression? It's not healthy for someone to be so socially isolated and un-engaged with life. Does your GF work? Does she have any interests?

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trishsf t1_jef18lb wrote

Sounds like she needs to get a life. Seriously. You can’t be her everything. That’s what she wants. It’s unreasonable and unrealistic. Unless she gets her own interests and her own life, you aren’t compatible.

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ThrowRA_KindSoul OP t1_jef4i5g wrote

This is part of how I feel as well. Unless I'm available she doesn't want to do her own thing or hobby.

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