Submitted by throwawayOvershare1 t3_127ta5d in relationship_advice

I met this girl at the end of 2020 and we connected really well, had an undeniable chemistry. Attractive, fit, about 5'5", fun to be around.

First Break
Unfortunately around March of 2021 she broke off things with me after we had an argument over a gift I gave her. I planned out a date, picked out a dress for her. She was dealing with trauma based on her past (she has been with 6 guys as I found out). I really liked the girl though and was pretty hurt when that happened.

Reconnected Again
Around August time she reached to me again saying that it was stupid of her to leave me and that she wants to reconnect. I couldn't really help it, again I liked the girl. She did tell me the truth (almost) that she did date a guy for 2 months in that time frame. She did not tell me that she also had a miscarriage from that guy, till much later.
Anyway, we reconnect and decide to start dating again. In that time frame I bought a house and also was getting ready to leave for military (reserves) in the fall, so we only had a couple of months together before I left.
We talked a lot while I was out in training, texting and calling each other often and when I got back in the summer of 2022 things seemed to progress well, not without small hiccups, but I though she really liked me and despite the difficult past I willing to look past it because I couldn't help but like the girl.
Around the fall of 2022, she started talking to me about taking a half a year trip to South East Asia. She felt stuck at her job, not sure what she wanted to do professionally etc. It was a big dream of hers to see these countries, where she would feel less out of place (she is an Asian girl). Eventually she pulled the trigger that November and planned out a trip and shared the details with me, how she would use her savings to fund it, asking for advice etc.
I was not too concerned as things were progressing in our relationship.
She moved a lot of her stuff to my house, we were talking about introducing our parents etc... It was suppose to be a bucket list item.

Departure to South East Asia
It was finally time for our last date (end of February 2023), she and I have exchanged our goodbyes, she asked me specifically to wait for her and not cheat as she would not be able to take it if I did. Of course, I said I wouldn't because I truly loved her.
Initially things were going well, we would text once a day, she and I would share photos.
About 2 weeks in, she stopped texting. I got only one text on Friday of her 3rd week that she was busy.
That seemed to be a little strange, but understandable. Another week passes by and I text her on Thursday saying that I am worried. And Friday morning I wake up to a wall of text (see link attached).
I couldn't work that Friday at all, felt like shit.
We had a WhatsApp call where she officially decided to end things. So casually and so coldly (saying I have an event soon, need to go), after telling me she loves me, just two weeks prior.
I couldn't sleep that night or in fact next two nights either. I called my friends, spent time with them watching MMA, but coming back to my empty house, realising that there is no one to wait for and no one is coming I just broke down.
Next morning I collected myself, got all of her stuff that I could fit into my car, dropped off at her relative's house and donated the rest (she told me she was okay with it over the video call).
It was really hard burning my letters that I sent her while out in training. Really hard.
I cried in public twice that day and I have never done that before.
I don't think there is coming back from that. I took her back one time, but I won't do that again.
I am posting here just hoping to hear from others, if I should do something, if I even can and if it's even worth it.
Felt a gamut of emotions, anger, sadness, hopelessness... Now I just feel lost and empty, like I am going through the motions of life, aimless.

Thank you for reading all this. If you decide to message, I can share more details/photos if you'd like. I just feel terrible and don't know what to do.
TLDR: My gf broke up with me about a week ago after a month into an overseas trip, saying she had an awakening, lost her feelings for me, even though she would tell me she loves me not so long ago.



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MarvellousIntrigue t1_jeftcsc wrote

Dude she sounds like a horrible horrible person! She clearly doesn’t give a crap how she made you feel! Those messages are so cold!

What is with the comments on your body and the military! That’s just low! You look ill?!? What… you got fit?? Either way, it’s a superficial thing to say!

Forget her and move on! She isn’t worth anymore tears!

Also, what did you mean 6 guys? Are you saying she has slept with 6 men before you?? Was this an issue for you?


throwawayOvershare1 OP t1_jefw2wr wrote

Those messages were very cold.... I was in training when the whole Russia/Ukraine thing kicked off and I have relatives on both sides. I was pretty sleep deprived and stressed during most of the training and it showed when I came back.
6 guys thing, it's that they were all one night stands over a short period of time and it hurt when I found out.
But the fact that she almost had a kid (unintentionally) with a guy during our break hurt the most.
Thanks for putting a logical spin on this. It helps.


MarvellousIntrigue t1_jefxf38 wrote

That’s really mean! Military training is extremely tough! She should be proud of you! Not putting you down! It’s a very honourable thing for you to be doing!!

Yeah, right. I get it might be hard to hear about the one night stands, but you can’t let someone’s past effect how you see them now. It’s about the here and now and the kind of person they are towards you now. The amount of sexual partners doesn’t define someone. Noting that in the here and now, she seems like a horrible person! Someone that only cares for herself!

I totally understand about the miscarriage/relationship. That would hurt anyone! I would find it very hard to move past that and get back with someone. Especially considering how she is treating you! You deserve way better! Don’t settle for anyone! She is behaving in a very flippant manner, and that isn’t the kind of person I would ever want to be with!


throwawayOvershare1 OP t1_jeg4ufe wrote

Appreciate the response. Amount of sex partners can affect the ability to pair bond though, and unfortunately it seems like that is the case with her :(.
But yeah, her having unprotected sex with another guy and not telling me till much later, definitely hurt. Definitely questioned things, but again it's so hard to be logical when you genuinely like someone.


MarvellousIntrigue t1_jeg7hqx wrote

What do you mean, ‘affect the ability to pair bond’?? Sorry, I don’t mean to sound rude, but that is honestly the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.

People will bond and become attached to someone if they feel a connection with them and like them for who they are as a person. How many people you have had sex with prior is irrelevant. It has no baring whatsoever on whether you will bond and have a connection with the next person.

My husband had slept with 40 women before we met. He is the most loving and caring man to me. Our bond is stronger than any I have ever had. We trust each other completely, and hence him being totally open and honest with me about his life before me.

People can have attachment issues because of childhood trauma with parents/family, but sexual partners from one night stands because you are just living carefree, not so much!

I’m thinking your view on this is cultural/religious?? I understand your view. I just don’t believe the two things are related.

Yeah, that last part, unprotected sex etc. she just seems like she doesn’t care. She seems very selfish tbh. You seem like a good dude! I would try and put it behind you and move forward to find someone that deserves you.


tickleyourfanny t1_jefosms wrote

I see this exact scenario over and over..I can only help you for the next time. So here is what you do to avoid this problem again. When someone breaks up with you, you let them go and dont get back together. Its not going to work out the second, third, fourth, hundredth time you get back together. Save yourself the trouble


throwawayOvershare1 OP t1_jefq1qc wrote

You are not wrong. I have a hard time being logical and pragmatic when it comes to relationships.