[22F][22F] Wanting to cut out healthy friends because they remind me of an unhealthy time

Submitted by throwranw t3_127gsqm in relationship_advice

Last year, I met a guy that I became friends with. He was charming and sweet, but what I did not know when I met him was that he was a sociopath (an actual one, I am not just saying this because things went poorly between us). I dated him for two months, he lied to me this entire time and told me he wasn’t seeing anyone else while he was sleeping with multiple girls, and as he is a compulsive liar I could never get any closure from this situation as the things he would say to me in discussing it did not align with what he would tell others. He went from being someone who showered me with affection that I trusted so fully to someone that insulted me who I could not believe a word from. I have never loved someone so fully. The shock of it all made it harder for me to process.

A year and a half later I cannot sleep at night. I stay up for hours getting flashbacks of it all, I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about this time, I get dreams about him, I think about it all day. I cannot be alone with my thoughts because they revert back to him. He never told me who the women he slept with during our time together were, and I stay awake at night just wondering who they are. I used to start shaking when I would run into him after everything. He was truly the worst thing I have ever experienced and been affected by, and no matter what I try I cannot cope with it.

My friends that I knew while I knew him are great. They are two of my closest friends and I love them. They’re sweet and empathetic. One of them was close friends with him while I was dating him. Because of this, when I’m around her I do associate her with him on some level, which is hard for me. We both cut him out of our lives when we learned about his lies and we have been able to build a great friendship outside of him, but I hate that I knew her when I knew him. Same goes for my other friend. She was not friends with him but she knew him and I’ve spoken to her about him so much that I also associate her with him on some level.

I know this is unfair to them, but when I can’t sleep at night and I am still so hurt I just want to cut everything and everyone that I associate with this time out of my life and move away. I hate feeling like I am in the same space that I was when I knew him. I just want the peace that I had before him back. Is it so wrong to cut these friends out for no reason other than that I think it will help to lose the last connections that are tying me to him? Lately I just don’t think I can do it anymore. I want to completely disengage.

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FellowIncognitoUser t1_jeedf7n wrote

Why did you post this 3 times?

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throwranw OP t1_jeemwf5 wrote

Just to get input, since posts get buried in the mass and I wanted to hear responses

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DameLizardville t1_jee47pz wrote

Your feelings are valid. You are processing trauma. Be honest with your friends about your struggles. If they are as great as you say I’m sure they will understand your need to disengage for a time while you continue your healing journey. It doesn’t have to be a complete and forever break. I hope you have some kind of therapy support available to help you.

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throwranw OP t1_jee514w wrote

Thank you. They know how much I am struggling with this as I have vocalized it to them, but they don’t know that they are difficult for me to be around sometimes. I have been to therapy and will return to it because I do think I need some more support right now. I am so sad to miss out on some of the best friendships I’ve ever had, and I will miss them, but I don’t know if it can be a temporary break. I don’t want to reverse any progress I make by reintroducing them into my life afterwards

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DameLizardville t1_jee5g3b wrote

Of course. You can’t put a timeline on healing from trauma. Just be straight with them about disengaging from the friendship.

Best of luck with everything

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