Viewing a single comment thread. View all comments

AnalystOk5065 t1_jeftsxw wrote

Reply to comment by Double_Rip_441 in Struggling dating someone with BPD [M18] [F18] by Double_Rip_441

My advice: as soon as things seem pretty difficult for you I would do couples counseling. And maybe start putting that seed out there now about how couples counseling is a good thing. For the first 10 years in my marriage my wife thought therapy was just for crazy people and would get really angry if I suggested it, and to get couples counseling just meant we had a failed marriage. Since she started regular therapy her life has definitely changed for the better. It's important that you are both in it to improve your relationship.

1

Double_Rip_441 OP t1_jefu1yi wrote

That's the issue though is when she gets these off days she's not very willing to work together on it, and when she has her on days I'm afraid bringing it up will cause her to spiral back into being off again as very little issues can easily do that to her

1

AnalystOk5065 t1_jefutid wrote

Dude- I know exactly what you're talking about. Like you can't tell her things because you can't say it on bad days but you're worried it will totally tank good days. That's just not normal bro. After you get to be an old dude like me you'll see how much this kind of relationship affects your stress level. Also, you'll find yourself just bottling up your feelings because you don't feel safe sharing them.

1

Double_Rip_441 OP t1_jefv8lp wrote

Exactly. Like she's not a bad person overall, her on days are more like her normal self and she's sweet, caring, very loving, silly, and fun. It's just when she gets those off days she's like a completely different person. Not sweet or lovey at all and idk how to handle it.

1

AnalystOk5065 t1_jefw70u wrote

Totally. My wife is a great person and a great mother. She's incredibly caring and people really like her. But those people also don't live with her and see the huge emotions. On her bad days it's like an emotional tornado of anger and tears where you feel like literally anything you say will get attacked. These are all just things to consider. You're only 18 so you've got a long way to go before you actually consider marrying someone (I hope), and in all honesty you'll probably date other people before you finally do settle down (or just decide not to get married). Just don't feel like you can't leave the relationship because of the disorder. It doesn't make you a bad person or a jerk in any way. She got dealt some bad cards, but it doesn't mean you have to deal with those consequences.

1

Double_Rip_441 OP t1_jefx87n wrote

I don't feel like I can't leave the relationship, I easily can if I just let it end. On her off days, she immediately goes to wanting to break up so she doesn't have to handle it. It's only after I talk to her and help her work through it where she backpedals on wanting to end it. The only reason I do is because I don't want to leave her, I love her more than anything and I've been in many relationships, some toxic and some great, but I've never loved anyone the way I do her. She's perfect and I want to figure this out

1

AnalystOk5065 t1_jefxoi3 wrote

That's a major difference with my situation and yours. My wife desperately loves me and really doesn't want our marriage to end. I don't think we would have made it this far if she sometimes said she wanted out. Best of luck bro. You've got the best years of your life in front of you, so make the best of them.

1

Double_Rip_441 OP t1_jefydpy wrote

Thanks, and I think the difference has to do with other aspects of her personality too. She's scared of conflict at all and doesn't like talking about her feelings in any way, so when she has an off day she immediately tries to find a way out since she'd rather not handle it at that moment

1

AnalystOk5065 t1_jefyn38 wrote

Oh yeah, way different. My wife is going to tell me why she's pissed off and also tell me about everyone else who pissed her off during the day. 😆

1

Double_Rip_441 OP t1_jeg04f6 wrote

Lucky man 😭 I'd be so much happier in ur situation cuz I don't mind the mood swings, the thing that gets to me is going back and forth on wanting to be with me

1

AnalystOk5065 t1_jeg0cyc wrote

Yeah that sucks bro. Well honestly, they both suck, but yours probably sucks more. At least you've got an easy "out" if you decide to go that route.

1

Double_Rip_441 OP t1_jeg1q83 wrote

I don't want an easy out tho bro, I want an easy in. We fell inove with a burning passion and our relationship is so great it shouldn't have to suffer these doubts she has on her days off..

1

AnalystOk5065 t1_jeg27qb wrote

I know, but years down the road if you get worn down you'll have an easy out. For now maybe just try to get her in couples counseling or just take it day by day.

1