I'll keep this as concise as possible. I've been with my partner for over 10 years at this point. She's my best friend, the easiest person to exist around, and the person I desire to be around the most. We were both working relatively low paying jobs at the time we met, but over the years, my salary has risen significantly, while my wife's multiple jobs have been stagnant ever since. about two years ago we were financially stable enough to buy our first home, so we did.

Since then, she's gone through 3 jobs, and is now jobless. She suffers from anxiety and depression, and has done all the right things (Go to therapy, get on medication, etc.) , but nothing seems to be helping. She's applying to jobs daily, but nothing seems to stick. I guess I was hoping that some down time would give her some time to relax and maybe even follow through on some of her hobbies. It's been three months now, and instead of using the time for hobbies, it's been mostly a lot of days of laying in bed or sitting on the couch reading books or looking through TikTok.

The main problem is, being in charge of our finances (Overseeing the mortgage, insurance, utilities, car payment, etc.), I'm the one who has been slowly watching our savings drain after 10 years of hard work. I've brought this up with my partner, and have done things like improve her resume and be as supportive as possible. I've been to therapy in the past as well, but therapy won't make money magically appear.

My mental health has deteriorated in the past three months significantly as I watch our savings drain. There was a time when we first started dating, that I was working 12-14 hours most days of the week, and I don't think I can handle that again as a solution. I'm at a loss of what to do, as I feel the need to keep on a happy supportive face in her time of need, while also slipping into depression, having regular panic attacks, and also still showing up for work 45 hours a week. Any advice is welcome.

Comments

You must log in or register to comment.

AutoModerator t1_jef3s7f wrote on March 31, 2023 at 3:35 PM

#2,534,782

Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:

We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.

If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.

#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

trishsf t1_jef4fa6 wrote on March 31, 2023 at 3:39 PM

#2,534,986

This isn’t okay. Here’s the real question. Is this a dealbreaker? It would be for me. I would be clear. I will not be the sole support for us. I can’t be. She has no business doing anything but looking for a job right now. You need to have a serious discussion. Don’t give any ultimatum that you aren’t willing to follow through on. I’m sorry this is happening.

JMarie113 t1_jef5jqx wrote on March 31, 2023 at 3:46 PM

#2,535,359

You are enabling her. Split the finances, and make it clear how much she is expected to contribute monthly. Do not pay her share. Let her know she has to keep a job and pay her portion and that you will separate. No excuses. She has therapy if she needs it. She does this because you allow it.

UsuallyWrite2 t1_jef60nc wrote on March 31, 2023 at 3:49 PM

#2,535,489

Something that stuck out for me (44F) was they she’s seeing doctors and a therapist and things aren’t improving AND she isn’t doing the hard work of actively pursuing work. Has she been screened for ADHD? I didn’t get diagnosed until my 40’s and for years was being treated for anxiety and depression—nothing was working well because my anxiety and depression were secondary to the ADHD. I had so much self hate and had to use so much energy to get even simple things done.

Whether it’s ADHD or mental health though, these are reasons, not excuses.

You need to very clearly communicate to her how you are feeling. Not what she needs to do but how YOU feel and why. She may not realize how much this impacting your mental health. She needs to go get a job now. Today. McDonalds, the corner convenience store—whatever. She can keep looking for the ideal position and be bringing in some money.

ThrowRA2654 OP t1_jef64f6 wrote on March 31, 2023 at 3:50 PM

#2,535,520

Replying to trishsf (#2,534,986)

>Is this a dealbreaker?

I'd be willing to go down with this ship, in whatever form that comes to (Over 10 years of warm love is a strong drug).

As I mentioned, she actively applies to jobs most days, but not the jobs that would be easily attainable (anything customer service/food industry related), because they're a big part of why she has so much anxiety now.

ThrowRA2654 OP t1_jef72yr wrote on March 31, 2023 at 3:56 PM

#2,535,813

Replying to UsuallyWrite2 (#2,535,489)

Thanks for the response.

The ADHD thing is definitely on the table, and definitely rings a bell. I've been communicating pretty clearly for a while now, the problem is mainly that she is actively applying for jobs, but avoiding customer service forward/food service jobs all together, because a history of working in those industries is a big contributor to her now prevalent anxiety. (Spending years of 40 hours a week with strangers yelling at you because they're latte isn't hot enough will do that to you).