Submitted by throwRA283108 t3_127ypdy in relationship_advice
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Comments
[deleted] t1_jegg7ma wrote
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reluctantdonkey t1_jegmgoq wrote
I mean-- she is a party girl coking it up on the weekends... no judgement on her AT ALL for living the wild life right now, but also her life-phase is totally incompatible with a relationship, and it sounds like this was pretty apparent from day one.
The worst thing that could possibly happen is to get into a relationship with someone in a phase of life that's entirely incompatible with one.
In future, it would be best to ask, from the very beginning and well before having sex, "Hey, I am dating with the intention of finding a longer-term relationship. Is that also what you are looking for?"
If the answer is anything other than, "Yes, absolutely!," do not engage.
[deleted] t1_jegmlx8 wrote
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moomoodle t1_jegyftx wrote
From your comments, I think you need to go to therapy. The way you think about girls is so strange, it's like they aren't even people to you. All your comments are me, me, me. Oh I feel wronged because I had these expectations for this girl who clearly told me not to have these kinds of expectations, she used me she's to blame. If this is how you talk in real life, I can see why girls aren't gonna want to date you.
Edit: I don't mean this comment to be harsh, but more of a warning. I feel that your train of thought is hurtful towards yourself, the girls you want to date, and your goals.
reluctantdonkey t1_jeh1fyp wrote
The vast majority of people (men and women) who go through that stage come out the other end and settle down. (I mean, if they don't, they are even LESS in a life stage appropriate for a relationship.)
Trust me, you should be well capable of finding someone not currently IN IT.
MacerationMacy t1_jeh2lqz wrote
Of course you are. You’re assuming one bad experience (for you) is universal
[deleted] t1_jegp6x8 wrote
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[deleted] t1_jegplr2 wrote
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momisacat t1_jegkg3l wrote
You weren't honest with her (yourself?) about what you were looking for.
[deleted] t1_jegkkpd wrote
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momisacat t1_jegkyd9 wrote
That happens. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you or that she used you. Learn from this and move on. Think about what you really want and be upfront about it with the next person. That's all any of us can do.
[deleted] t1_jegl1np wrote
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momisacat t1_jeglsyl wrote
Do you think her intention was to use you for sex? Your OP reads as of that's what you believe.
[deleted] t1_jeglz5v wrote
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momisacat t1_jegnr0w wrote
Do you frequently devalue yourself? Do you often think you aren't worthy?
[deleted] t1_jego3yy wrote
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momisacat t1_jegprjh wrote
You really need to put some thought into that. It's impossible to have a healthy relationship while feeling like you are lesser. It's a great way to end up clinging to someone you aren't compatible with or even staying with an abuser.
reluctantdonkey t1_jeh21nq wrote
Or.. it's possible that it's not an UNDER assessment of worth and an OVER assessment of sexual prowess?
[deleted] t1_jegq51k wrote
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momisacat t1_jegxqzo wrote
Your worth comes from within you as an individual, not from relationships
[deleted] t1_jeh0o2m wrote
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Kooky_Protection_334 t1_jeh3rc1 wrote
This is cliché but now often the saying "it's not you it's me" is actually true. It's so easy to think there is something wrong with you when things don't go right but really there usually isn't anything wrong with you and it truly is the other person. In your case she liked to party and do coke (you really want to be with someone who uses coke??). She never told you she wanted something serious and you said you weren't sure. So really no one lied to anyone here. She probably got the feeling that you were starting to get interested in more (nothig wrong with that) and realized she just wasn't. So nothing you did except for possibly wanting more.
I lost a few really good friendships and I still don't know why. And of course my mind blames myself first because if this something I did maybe I can fix it. We don't have control over how other feel or think. We can't make them want to be our friend or lover. We can do everything right amd still not be their person.
Sounds like you have some self esteem issues/anxiety. If you have access to therapy that might be a good palce to start. I've been there done that and therapy was definitely very helpful
[deleted] t1_jegoxog wrote
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yowen2000 t1_jeggma4 wrote
She never lied to you. When you start dating someone this is the way things can go, sometimes things just don't work out. And if she was still in a party mindset and you weren't, that wasn't going to work out either.
You had fun with her right? Remember the good times, if they really were good times, you will eventually learn to appreciate them as a fond memory. Take the experience for future reference, you now have a better idea of what you do and don't want than you did before meeting her.
I dated a girl like her for a couple of months and we had a ton of fun together (much more in a party stage of life than I was), it didn't last, neither of us really seemed to expect it to, but I don't think either of us regrets the time we spent together.
[deleted] t1_jeggrcj wrote
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inigos_left_hand t1_jeglwk9 wrote
Dude, if you are going to spiral after a 2 month casual hookup relationship ends then you need to not have those in the future. This girl did nothing wrong. She told you she wasn’t interested in anything serious and then ended things when she thought (rightly so) that you were taking things too seriously. Next time don’t sleep together until you have established that you are both interested in something serious.
[deleted] t1_jegm3ds wrote
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SevsMumma21217 t1_jegm6uc wrote
Why is that though? Why is your entire sense of self-worth connected to a woman you briefly dated who was completely honest with you about what she wanted from day one?
It seems like she enjoyed your company, but you wanted to get serious, and she didn't. So, she did the right thing and left you. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or that you aren't worth having a relationship with. It only means that she was not the right woman to start a relationship with.
[deleted] t1_jegmets wrote
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SevsMumma21217 t1_jegn0so wrote
This isn't about you. You've done nothing wrong. There is nothing wrong with you.
But she's not ready for serious and that's valid, too.
Do yourself a favor and when a woman says to you, "I want to date but I'm not ready to get serious.", tell her "No thanks." and walk away.
[deleted] t1_jegnbg5 wrote
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reluctantdonkey t1_jeh4c24 wrote
> I don’t want to date knowing she’s just riding my dick for fun like I’m some kind of human sex toy
It's odd the combination of completely overblown sexual ego and soul-withering low personal self worth. Fascinating study.
reluctantdonkey t1_jeh45vo wrote
No. She wouldn't have been.
You could have been Harry Fucking Styles with a PhD and she'd still want to be out there living an unattached life.
THIS. ISN'T. ABOUT. YOU.
Ps. I really have a ton of respect, honestly, for how she handled this whole thing, because holy heck if you telescoped your atttachement issues to her as much as you have here, she probably had a LOT of rightful concerns about how to enforce her boundaries.
reluctantdonkey t1_jeh39hr wrote
If you regret this, then you should not date. Really.
You have to enjoy dating for the ride, both figuratively and literally in this case.
99% of all the first dates you go on will end in eventual "failure." It's part of the deal.
It's not about there being anything wrong with you or evil about them or whatever... it's just the way it is.
And, you're right-- you aren't going to see her again, and that's also just part of dating.
yowen2000 t1_jegm1cp wrote
So, before I dated the girl I described above, I dated a girl that was similar in the sense that she didn't know what she wanted, she was honest about it like your girl.
I allowed myself, probably much like you, to become invested in the relationship at a level I shouldn't have. I too was very distraught when the relationship ended due to us wanting different things (casual vs relationship).
What I learned there, and what you'll come to learn in the future, is to really listen when someone says what they want, if you match their level of commitment you'll be far less hurt, but it can still hurt, a romantic connection ending is never without feeling, but it will hurt far less if you stay realistic about what your relationship is and is not.
So keep that in mind. I think with time you'll come to appreciate this relationship you had with this girl, I was eventually able to with the girl I described here. We really did have a great time while it lasted and I learned very valuable lessons for future relationships.
reluctantdonkey t1_jeh4un8 wrote
Yes, it's important to keep in mind that, even if this woman had said "I am 100% looking for a serious relationship!" she STILL could have broken up with him two months later (yes, even after "riding his dick" and all that noise) and there would STILL be nothing wrong with it.
Because that's the dating game. It just is.
[deleted] t1_jegmc2x wrote
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yowen2000 t1_jegombs wrote
You don't necessarily need to stay detached, it's more so "managing expectations".
But if this is true:
> Not when sex is involved. I literally cannot seperate my emotions from it
You've learned something valuable! Again, you'll likely eventually be thankful for this relationship, heartbreak sucks, but we eventually grow from it, don't get bitter from it. You are a living, feeling human being and that's okay!
So, next relationship, take your time to really date someone, to get to know them, so you know you two are on the same page. To start, you need to hear that they are at least open to a serious relationship. Or else, why even have a first date?
trishsf t1_jeggg22 wrote
She told you she didn’t know what she wanted. You didn’t establish exclusivity. You also said you didn’t know what you wanted. It’s why we date. To find out if we’re compatible. You weren’t. She didn’t use you. It just didn’t work out. I think you need to move slower next time for your own sake.
Doodlebug365 t1_jegj6s3 wrote
Sounds like you just want to blame her for your incompatibility and then act like a child when we tell you she’s not the problem. She was honest with you right from the beginning. It was you who wasn’t. You knew deep down what you wanted and decided to go for her anyway.
[deleted] t1_jegjeai wrote
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Doodlebug365 t1_jegjmmo wrote
You literally titled your post that she was just using you for sex. That’s a blame.
[deleted] t1_jegjoyk wrote
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Doodlebug365 t1_jegjyfw wrote
You’re the one who wrote the headline, I am listening.
[deleted] t1_jegk169 wrote
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Doodlebug365 t1_jegkbss wrote
I did talk to you like a human and I gave you my response. Just because you don’t want to hear it, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
[deleted] t1_jegke8w wrote
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Doodlebug365 t1_jegkjfn wrote
I’m not trying to be confrontational. I’m literally pointing out your title.
[deleted] t1_jegkm23 wrote
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Doodlebug365 t1_jegkqgi wrote
Hope you have a better one.
bailsofun t1_jegj287 wrote
Dude, you just need to let her go and come to terms with the fact that she’s not the right one for you. Respect yourself next time and establish firm boundaries for YOURSELF. You’re a relationship guy. Be clear and upfront going forward that you are looking for a relationship. Don’t entertain anyone who’s not also looking for the same.
tickleyourfanny t1_jegftzb wrote
Boo hoo...guess what the first few months of dating are about? they are about finding out if you like the person enough to be with them.
>Said she wasn’t sure she wanted serious but liked seeing me and didn’t know.
>So I was seeing this girl for 2 months.
gosh, looks like she figured it out..you weren't used, you just didnt get that hot piece of ass for yourself. Huge difference.
>I knew she was a party girl. She did coke on weekends etc.
Not really sure why you are so upset. You weren't used. She didn't deceive you. You knew going in what she was about. She didnt lie to you....you were just rejected. Now man up, go find another coke hoe and this time turn a hoe into a housewife!!
[deleted] t1_jegg28i wrote
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tickleyourfanny t1_jeggk5r wrote
>She told me she said she didn’t want serious from the beginning
I dont really know why you can't accept that she already told you. More than once really..here listen to this song a bit, sums up your situation and what she wants.
[deleted] t1_jeggmw0 wrote
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tickleyourfanny t1_jeghn9l wrote
probably is..You want to have something a bit more serious and she doesn't..Your brain is probably wired differently, might be from the overuse of stimulants by your mom while in you were in her belly...could also be that some people like to just take some cock, do some blow, take some more cock, do some more blow, munch some box, do some more blow, do some more blow and then pass out watching Oprah Winfrey...We all have different things of what we want.
[deleted] t1_jeghw05 wrote
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tickleyourfanny t1_jegjffz wrote
definitely something wrong with you...I will keep biting the bait, i got a couple min.
lets try again...there is no right and wrong..some people want to have only Casual sex and others want a relationship. They are both correct..Nothing wrong with Casual sex( ask any pedophile) and nothing wrong with a more committed relationship (ask any pedophile). The two of you want two different things and there is nothing wrong with that. It didn't work out my man, now learn to bang coke hoes without falling in love, if you are so bothered..Here is your ultimate advice. Wear a condom cuz you absolutely dont know where dem chicken heads have been. You wont be able to put dem hoes on rewind if the std test get declined.
[deleted] t1_jegjn62 wrote
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tickleyourfanny t1_jegjvfd wrote
I find with these type of posts there is always 'one little thing' that is being omitted and pops out later...its how to keep the line freshly baited, from what I hear. Again we all find different things enjoyable, know what I mean yet?
[deleted] t1_jegkc9q wrote
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tickleyourfanny t1_jegkrsm wrote
You struggle to believe that different people want different relationships sometimes?????? I am clearly not a know it all since I cant understand your complaining in the slightest. Nor can you apparently..so how about you simply accept that some people want to party all the time and others don't.
[deleted] t1_jegkz4d wrote
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tickleyourfanny t1_jegloqk wrote
the bait is so strong here it is hard to resist...I am giving you exactly what you want. hopefully you will give me what I want next..
well look at it this way...you meet someone and they show you and tell you exactly what they want. Have ok sex. Get on fine and then when you go to tell them you want them to stop and only focus on you, they do a line and tell you to move on as they have other things they enjoy..then they go do another line, have some amazing sex (trust me sex is not amazing when coked out), get on great, do some more coke and party..
>How many people do you know that do that.
well being I worked in bars/clubs for decades I can safely say I know a shit ton of people that do that...You might need to throw in a missing detail as the bait is getting kinda dry.
[deleted] t1_jeglwyz wrote
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tickleyourfanny t1_jegm8yl wrote
Great. Then dont date party girls, unless you want to party..Looks like you just learned a life lesson. Kudos to you for the personal growth.
[deleted] t1_jegmhcn wrote
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tickleyourfanny t1_jegmxy1 wrote
> How many girls am I gonna meet that haven’t been through the wild non stop sex and coke stage
I am thinking most women dont go through the non stop sex and coke phase. Here is a thought, stop going to clubs and bars and start meeting women elsewhere. And by elsewhere I mean not at your coke dealers house or at the meth lab your neighbor runs or at the Casula sex parties your pastor throws in the shed out back of the church.
[deleted] t1_jegn5wa wrote
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tickleyourfanny t1_jegnp8t wrote
Call me crazy but maybe you need a new circle of friends...you must work in a coke factory or perhaps a strip club? go ahead and try to get away from the coke, I assure you it is not hard at all to do...in fact most people dont do coke, every day/week. Most never do it at all...you may have a slightly skewed friend group..sure if all your friends are cokeheads/partiers then all you will see is that. the world is bigger than that my friend.
[deleted] t1_jego0z6 wrote
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tickleyourfanny t1_jegp4zb wrote
> Take her for a drink. Turns out she smashes coke and MDMA at events and on weekends.
so what have we learned? did you go on a second date or did you nope out and go find someone who doesnt smash coke and MDMA before teaching 7th graders how to read a geography map...
>It does seem quite hard to hide from I won’t lie
perhaps you are then with the coke problem then, since everyone you know does it. Everyone at work does it, everyone at your bars do it, Your dates do it, your roommates do it....holy shit man, where in London cuz I need some coke and it just seems to follow you everywhere. It almost seems like what you want isnt going to happen in the social circle you live in. So try a different circle, it really isnt hard to find non partiers.
[deleted] t1_jegphcx wrote
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tickleyourfanny t1_jegptvt wrote
> No I didn’t. I dated her for 2 months till she dumped me 😂
so the person you reference on hinge is the party girl from the OP.,,ok then..maybe learn your lesson this next time
>Actually, I find it really hard to make friends.
sounds like all you have to do is offer them some coke and they will hang out..Then mysteriously, when you dont have the party goods, they dont want to hang out? very confusing on why, must be your haircut or something, maybe sprinkle some coke on it and see if the style change brings them back....anyways, maybe make some friends that are into other things than just partying. I assure you they exist
[deleted] t1_jegqcrl wrote
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tickleyourfanny t1_jegrim6 wrote
>If I stopped doing that, which honestly I want to, I highly doubt they’d even want to see me again.
oh no, the horror....Might mean you would have to make new friends that aren't into the party scene. Which may lead to you dating a non-party girl. All sounds terrible if you have a nasty coke habit with some underlying alcoholism. Otherwise, it sounds fucking great.
Your new friends( you are in a new town right) all seem pretty transitional since the whole thing relies on you partying with them..Time for some new friends.
[deleted] t1_jegrlm6 wrote
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tickleyourfanny t1_jegs65u wrote
Online. At events. At grocery stores. At book stores. Frisbee golf teams. Tennis at the club.
Just stop going to bars and drug dens and these new people and things to do will suddenly start magically appearing.
Take a sailing course. Take cheeses course. Watch the documentary 'wedding crashers' and go to funerals to pick up women. Go to church, no shortage of saturday night hoes feeling guilty, hitting that place up on Sundays. If you cant get a date in a church, you got problems ( ask any pedophile)
hedbryl t1_jegtuds wrote
If the only people interested in you are party girls, that's entirely a you problem.
Are you employed, not obese, have your own place (ideally owning, or renting without roommates), have reliable transportation, shower regularly? That's really all it takes. Be a productive member of society and eventually you'll find another productive member of society interested in you.
finchfeathers t1_jegtzrx wrote
Oh yikes
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[deleted] t1_jegfry1 wrote
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[deleted] t1_jegkvwv wrote
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[deleted] t1_jeh5ipe wrote
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reluctantdonkey t1_jegg03c wrote
You didn't just offer her sex, you offered her companionship (going out and doing stuff, joking, talking daily, etc.
No, it sounds like she's in no way capable of a deep relationship and doesn't want that right now, but it doesn't look like she "just used you for sex." (Source: Been there, seen that.)
It sounds to me like she did enjoy speding time with you, but she also didn't want to lead you on into thinking it was more than what sounds like an actual-friends with benefits kind of thing, so she did the right thing and broke it off when she noticed that you were starting to get that impression. You should be grateful for that, because, believe me, it sucks when these situations linger on with ambiguity.