My (27F) best friend (28F) and I are seeing the same guy (45M) how do I deal with the situation?

Submitted by ThrowRA987654321779 t3_127kwat in relationship_advice

UPDATE: I just confronted him. He denied everything and said I don’t need a crazy jealous gf. And he blocked me. I’m sure he’s gonna go running to my best friend now because he’s lonely and just wants to fuck around

I’m thinking of having someone message my best friend with all the receipts on him.. because I really don’t want to damage our friendship or even risk damaging it!

My (27F) and my best friend (28F) are seeing the same guy (45M). Only I know that we are, she does not. He spends his entire day talking to me and texting me, and we hang out a lot. But I recently found out that the guy she’s been talking about is the same guy I’m seeing. I haven’t told her about him or his name or anything because I don’t like to share anything before it’s official. She recently told me this guy has been coming over.. and they got sexual. I was happy for her because she’s been very lonely lately, she’s never had a bf! Then she shared his name and age with me and I was flabbergasted….

I didn’t know what to say! While he’s talking to me and telling me all those things that could make any girls heart melt; he’s been seeing her (no dates) for sex ! She did tell me they’re just friends who mess around at times.. and she said that a few days ago he told her that this needs to stop, the visits need to end and they should just be friends. I didn’t mention ANYTHING to him since I found out because I don’t know how to approach this. Today she told me he called her at 6 am on his way to work to check up on her, and yesterday too. Right after he called her, he called me!!!! And he said some beautiful things.. I’m so shocked….

How do I let him know that I know you’re cheating? Without throwing my best friend under the bus? And how do I let her know we’re talking to the same guy, or at least her situationship is not loyal without telling her it’s with me? Because I don’t want tension in our friendship. We’ve been friends for so many years I just can’t do this and I know it’ll cause some damage!!!!

Edit: I have tried telling her that I think this guy is using you for sex, but she is so taken away that she doesn’t care! Says she is also using him because she’s never been in a sexual relationship and she likes it, and she’s good at blocking her feelings.

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ionlyreadtitle t1_jeekh34 wrote

Are you two actually exclusive. Or just seeing each other?

Your friend is not being unloyal to you. She doesn't know that you are with this guy. I'll bet you a million dollars that he told her that he was single. She has no idea.

Do not take this out on your friends. He is the scumbag.

Show her a picture of your guy. Make sure it's acutely the same guy. Then, trick him into meeting her while you are with her. See what he says about the situation. Leave him. And stick with your friend.

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ThrowRA987654321779 OP t1_jeekv5g wrote

We’re just seeing each other but he tells me that he’s blocked so many girls that tried approaching him because he’s with me! Unfortunately I can’t show her a picture of him because she’s already shown me a picture of him and told me his name and age.. she’s been more open about it than me. And I stupidly acted stupid.. because I was SO SHOCKED! I didn’t know what to say or do… I was thinking of sending her a message saying hey blah blah blah but then when she confronts him he’ll ask how this person got HER number knowing they’ve only hung out in her apartment and no one knows about their situationship. It’s so messy… lord

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ionlyreadtitle t1_jeelrrc wrote

Straight up tell her.

Hey you know your fuck buddy? Yes. Here's a pic of my "boyfriend". Yes, he's the same guy. He's been lying to both of us.

Or are you trying to get out of this where everyone is completely happy?

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ThrowRA987654321779 OP t1_jeemt0v wrote

My ideal situation would be for her to sense or see for herself taht he’s engaging with another woman and for her to just leave him… but I don’t know how to make her see that!!! Whenever she’s with him I try to blow up his phone for her to see that he’s texting a different girl but he hides his phone

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ionlyreadtitle t1_jeensd5 wrote

So you still want to be with him after this?

They are not together. So him taking to others doesn't matter.

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ThrowRA987654321779 OP t1_jeeo60y wrote

I have feelings for him.. and it would kill me to leave him and then my best friend who is also my sister to have him and not being able to say shit!!!

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ionlyreadtitle t1_jeeoqhi wrote

He lies to you. He's probably lying about a lot more. And you know he's cool with cheating.

And when you stay with him. Well, you never have him meet your best friend ever? Do you think once she breaks it off with him that she will just forget what he looks like when she hangs out with you and him?

Do you really think your best friend would stay with a guy who lied to you and her and cheated on you with her?

With friends like that, you don't need enemies.

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ThrowRA987654321779 OP t1_jeexi63 wrote

I confronted him just now and he said I don’t need a gf that goes nuts and jealous just because I’m friendly with a girl. And he blocked me. I didn’t tell him that girl is my friend .. I just said I found out…… yeah….

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IdeaEven2648 t1_jeey8et wrote

wow, his version of friendly is fucking? i wonder if you did that with a man, would he still consider it friendly? he'll be back soon and make you beg for his presence in your life, don't do it. feelings < respect, loyalty and avoiding the risk of std's.

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Ad-for-you-17 t1_jeewzog wrote

This makes no sense… she’s your friend, you have the information, just meet her for a cup of coffee, sit her down and tell her in person. “Look this really sucks but I found something out…” -shows her all pics and texts”

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WinterFront1431 t1_jeemzdh wrote

Go round there and be straight and say

"I didn't know how to react at first as I was shocked and hurt but I've been seeing (hisname) too, I'm sorry I didn't say anything sooner it's just I was taken back that we have both been seeing the same guy and I needed time to process what's going on. But I'm cutting him off as it makes me sick, he spewing all these lies to me and then coming having sex with you that is why i tried to tell you he was using you without actually saying why because i felt sick and used myself "

As you pull up to her apartment. Before you say this☝️

Text him and say..

"My friend (hername) just showed me a picture of the guy she is having casual sex with, and it's you!! She obviously didn't know about us, but now she does I don't want to hear any excuses or lies anymore.. what ever this was is now over and I will be promptly blocking you"

Then block him, exclusive or not he made it clear to you he only seeing you to keep you sweet and that's disgusting.

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Princess-She-ra t1_jeejq35 wrote

Look out for yourself and for your friend. That guy is scum.

Tell your friend that you suspect your boyfriend is using her for s3x. You both need to get tested for STIs and both need to block him. A 45 year old hanging out with 27-28 year olds...yeah, that's going to be a good thing. SMH.

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ThrowRA987654321779 OP t1_jeejz0v wrote

Thing is, when I first found out.. I told her that I have a feeling he’s just using her and she said it’s okay I’m using him too I’ve never been in a relationship or any sexual relationship let me have fun I can block my feelings… and I couldn’t explain to her why I kept insisting on her leaving him. She got mad with me and told me she won’t tell me anything about him anymore …

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amjay8 t1_jeeod0w wrote

Has it occurred to you that he’s using you, too?

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Rudy_Trollbert t1_jeeubn6 wrote

You want that? You want to be with a person who is using another person?

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Ok-Prune-3952 t1_jeeivmi wrote

Why are you both screwing around with a 45 year old man?

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ThrowRA987654321779 OP t1_jeejds6 wrote

At first him and I were just friends, but then feelings developed. As for her, its just a fwb typa thing.. but I know for a fact that she lowkey likes him.

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Rstar2247 t1_jeeo8tt wrote

Tell her so you can both dump his ass back to back.

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giag27 t1_jeeokal wrote

Why on Earth would you be seeing/chasing the same guy as your best friend. Wtf?! No man is worth it hunny. And if he’s seeing you two both, chances are this 40 yo player is seeing others too. Good luck.

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Ok-fifi-78 t1_jeevfk0 wrote

So what are you planning now?..For her to leave him so that you so can continue your relationship with the guy?

OP, you are terrible friend.

If she is your best friend as you say, you would immediately tell her that he is playing you both, that he is sleeping with her and also dating you. You both should have then CONFRONT the POS, give him a piece of your mind and drop him, bloke him!.

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ThrowRA987654321779 OP t1_jeexwk8 wrote

I just confronted him. He denied everything and said I don’t need a crazy jealous gf. And he blocked me. I’m sure he’s gonna go running to my best friend now because he’s lonely and just wants to fuck around

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Ok-fifi-78 t1_jeeyc0n wrote

Then go talk to your best friend and show her all the evidence that he is seeing both of you.

This guy is no good. Already 45 and still a player and using women.

Do all you can to warn your best friend, the rest is up to her.

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ThrowRA987654321779 OP t1_jeeyjf1 wrote

I tried warning her again right now in a subtle way that if he wanted to be with her, he would do things different and her response was “you think I’m stupid? I know this isn’t my first rodeo (jokes) and claims that she doesn’t want anything with him other than fun sex

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Ok-fifi-78 t1_jeezc66 wrote

Did you tell her that he was seeing you both at the same time?

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ThrowRA987654321779 OP t1_jef35dk wrote

No I didn’t. I confronted him that I found out he’s been messing with another girl and he called me crazy and blocked me

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AeriePuzzleheaded675 t1_jef4zho wrote

Be more direct with her and if she blows you off, maybe think twice about the state if your friendship with her.

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Outside-Ad-1677 t1_jeer8wr wrote

She’s either your best friend or she isn’t. If I found out some man was two timing my bestie and I I’d show her ALL the receipts. I’d come clean immediately

Stop choosing this turd of your so called bestie.

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Rudy_Trollbert t1_jeeu4qj wrote

Coming from a mam who was with a woman exactly hiw tou are describing. Run.

The dude is a player and you just don't want to see it.

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