How do I (20f) ask him (21m) to not bring up his ex anymore, and could the following be a sign he’s still hung up on her?

Submitted by Dizzy-Incident-4588 t3_12833xs in relationship_advice

Basically the title. This is a consensual situationship as we’ve discussed it and neither one of us wants a relationship right now, especially as I’m gonna be leaving to study abroad after 10 weeks.

He’s very sweet to me and we’ve gotten extremely close, and when we do break things off we’ve agreed to go back to being friends and figure things out in a year or so. However, something he does that really bothers me has to do with his ex.

Basically he was in a long-term 4 year relationship with her, but since it was over Covid a lot of it was long-distance. When they both left for college, she broke up with him after 2 years to “focus on herself” and ended up dating another guy at her college after just 3 months. This is something my guy was hurt by because he said she thought she might’ve been talking/going out with the guy way before they broke up.

Personally I have no opinion/judgement on that situation as I wasn’t part of it, and I don’t know the girl. However sometimes if she comes up in conversation (another one of our friends went to high school with them) he will insult her or be like fuck her. I’ve asked about her before and he had nothing but negative things to say, and told me about their intimate life (to be fair, I asked, so this was on me).

The first time he brought her up, I defended her because it made me uncomfortable to trash talk another woman who I haven’t met and don’t know so aggressively, and I refused to agree with his negative comments. Now I just let him rant or stay quiet if she is brought up. It’s gotten a lot less over the course of this relationship, but it still happens.

I honestly have nothing against his ex and feel that he still hasn’t completely healed. I’ve suggested therapy but he took this as a joke and turned me down gently. He has however told me that the only way he can get over girls is cutting contact completely or hating them, which I feel was fair for this situation since he thinks she cheated on him.

Im not sure if this means he’s not over her or if he genuinely needs therapy/to talk this out with someone. And how do I hint to him that I’m not comfortable hearing about this anymore?

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jrl_iblogalot t1_jeh182k wrote

>When they both left for college, she broke up with him after 2 years to “focus on herself” and ended up dating another guy at her college after just 3 months.

"Focus on herself" aka the old "It's not you, it's me" routine.

>This is something my guy was hurt by because he said she thought she might’ve been talking/going out with the guy way before they broke up.

He's probably right.

>However sometimes if she comes up in conversation (another one of our friends went to high school with them) he will insult her or be like fuck her.

That's typical in the immediate aftermath, hopefully as time passes they'll stop bringing her up. And you can excuse yourself when they start talking about her.

>I’ve asked about her before and he had nothing but negative things to say, and told me about their intimate life (to be fair, I asked, so this was on me).

Correct. That's on you.

>The first time he brought her up, I defended her because it made me uncomfortable to trash talk another woman who I haven’t met and don’t know so aggressively, and I refused to agree with his negative comments.

Definitely not your place to defend her.

>Now I just let him rant or stay quiet if she is brought up. It’s gotten a lot less over the course of this relationship, but it still happens.

But you don't need to sit there and listen to him, either. Just be straightforward. "Dude, I don't want to hear about your ex." Point out how you two have limited time together anyway, so let's not waste it talking about her.

>He has however told me that the only way he can get over girls is cutting contact completely or hating them, which I feel was fair for this situation since he thinks she cheated on him.

Cutting contact is the right move, and he can hate her if he wants. But to keep talking about her he's only hurting himself. But that's his problem. Let him rant about her with his other friends, not you.

>Im not sure if this means he’s not over her or if he genuinely needs therapy/to talk this out with someone.

He's young and got dumped (from his first and only "adult" relationship), it's natural to be hurt and feel angry. I don't know if it's reached the level of needing therapy yet but, again, that's not your problem, since you're not looking for a serious relationship with him right now anyway. You should just enjoy the remaining time you have with him, for as long as it remains enjoyable. If he can't stop ranting about his ex around you, then you should cut your losses.

>And how do I hint to him that I’m not comfortable hearing about this anymore?

Again, don't hint. Say it.

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UnsightlyFuzz t1_jeh1kis wrote

Why hint? You can just say you've heard as much about his ex as you care to - but if he still needs to talk it out, that's what therapy is for.

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gagadeepweb t1_jeh40sw wrote

It’s normal to hate an ex partner when you’re hurt, trust me I’ve been there, it doesn’t necessarily means that he still have feelings for her. If it bothers you tell him to really stop talking about her to you.

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