42M 40F 17yr relationship - Husband trying not to look elsewhere for sexual gratification

Submitted by ThrowRA9985 t3_127ute2 in relationship_advice

Hi folks,

I've been in a loving relationship for 17 years. We have kids together and we are very healthy and committed. Since we have had kids, my wife has had a very low sex drive. She has always been on the low side due to medication that affects this. Since kids it has been very low though. I am the one initiating 95% of the time. We only have sex about once a month on average. When we do have sex it's very "going through the motions."

I have a fairly high sex drive and I have had a really hard time with this. I have talked with her about it etc, including trying new things etc and we keep returning to the same kind of thing. She just has very little interest.

I have just begun to look at cam girls and had a literally 2 min vid call with some random cam girl. The thing is it was just a shitty cam site but just having someone pay attention to me sexually was a hugely gratifying experience. Just to illustrate how much this was the case, (TMI warning), even my physical responses were more intense than they have been for years (harder erection, way larger ejaculation etc).

It made me realize how much I'm missing because of having such an inactive sexual relationship with my wife. I will not use any of these cam services going forward as I feel it's like cheating. However, even short periods of better sex with my wife have always returned to the same inactivity.

Anyone have any advice?

EDIT: an important point here is that even if our libidos are not compatible, I love my wife for many other reasons and won't consider leaving her.

EDIT 2: my wife and I have talked about cam girls previously and she doesn't see it as cheating unless it's someone we know or unless it's becoming a regular thing. She has no problem with it on an occasional basis.

EDIT 3: thanks everyone..sorry if I came off as rude to those I took issue with. It's a personal subject so I got a little heated but I appreciate your sharing your opinion even if I disagree.

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TransportationNo6850 t1_jefx9ow wrote

I can understand your point of view, but you interacted sexually with another person. I would consider it cheating… idk how you can high your wife’s sex drive, maybe try watch some romantic films or porn together, buying toys, shit like that, but I don’t think that doing the cam was a smart choice.

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The-Clumsy-Pirate t1_jegqwpe wrote

Have you talked to your wife about her libido? About changing meds and talking to a sex therapist maybe? I am sure you did but it doesn’t say in your post.

It feels like cheating because it is probably cheating, depending on how your wife feels about it. Different people have different boundaries, some are ok with open relationships and others are not ok with porn, so depends on where you two fall. Personally for me the line is crossed when you interact with the person and/or pay for it in a sea of free porn.

If you want to stay with your wife and not cheat then that would mean addressing the low libido. There are subreddits for people in dead bedrooms (but read those with caution since people can be salty and vindictive).

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Advanced-North-6860 t1_jegs8pw wrote

Does your wife know about the cam girl?? To many people including myself, talking to someone online and nutting with them is DEFINITELY CHEATINGGGGG. So you’re a cheater. Hot. She will definitely find you more attractive now

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starsapphire16 t1_jegz0te wrote

i agree one thing is to look at random porn that´s mass produced but if i´m not mistaken a cam girl is a personal experience live, i would consider that cheating

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starsapphire16 t1_jegys07 wrote

i don´t know the details of your relationship but when was the last time you asked her out on a date? or went on a weekend getaway or told her out of the blue how sexy she looks or got her some flowers? or put up an effort in helping her with the house chores and the kids? or left a love note for her? or any random act that makes her feel loved and appreciated? i feel like a lot of men forget to cherish their wives and women still want to be romanced by their spouse and be told how desirable they still are even after 17 years of marriage and kids, i feel like it´s easy to complain she doesn´t want to have sex or doesn´t seem engaged but i think it´s a valid question to ask what are you doing to be attractive to her and not just sexually but also mentally

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AnalystOk5065 t1_jefx1ki wrote

Not really. I've been in a sexless marriage for years, so sex once a month sounds amazing. Probably the best thing would be marriage counseling.

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Biauralbeats t1_jegdydu wrote

Maybe it is time you put your cards on the table and tell her this is a problem for you and you want to take more proactive steps to address this...would she consider...

a) medication to increase libido

b) sexual therapy to explore other ways to be sexual and satisfied

c) a marriage encounter or retreat to reestablish the importance of intimacy (not necessarily sex)

or else you need to look at:

a) medication to decrease your libido

b) sexual therapy to be happy with less noogie

c) a marriage encounter or retreat to find other ways to be intimate that don't involve sex

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inigos_left_hand t1_jeght43 wrote

Any chance your wife may be down for an open marriage? If she’s not interested in having sex with you maybe you can stay married and just get laid on the side? Cause the other 2 options are you staying sexually frustrated forever or divorce.

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RevolutionaryHat8988 t1_jefyxp0 wrote

Cam girls are not cheating. Period.

They are at worse a release.

I’d suggest you get into therapy. But I’d do it as a couple.

I think you may find, unless there is a medical reason, that the two of you have incompatible libidos.

If this is the case then my guess is you will either have to accept it or consider your situation and possibly look to part ways.

−44

typhlosion109 t1_jegzcb8 wrote

If my partner was video chatting with a friend in a sexual manner I'd consider it cheating.

If he's doing it with a Stanger and paying her I'd still consider it cheating.

It's not the same thing as porn. He interacted with another woman sexually. That fact that he paid her for it doesn't make it any better.

She deserves to know he stepped out of their marriage so she can make a informed decision on if she even wants to try and fix the issue at this point.

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