My [19M] girlfriend [19F] slept with another guy whilst things were complicated between us. Really need advice.

Submitted by ThrowRAspaghetti666 t3_127hxz0 in relationship_advice

Me and my girlfriend first got together a while ago and were kind of fwb for a month or so and went on a date or two, she asked me if I wanted to move forward into a relationship and I said no, then yes, I really wasn’t sure and I would try to think it through over Xmas, because this would be my first relationship and I take a really long time to process things emotionally.

For context we are at uni so I went home for a month and so did she over Xmas, so we didn’t see one another.

We texted a bit over xmas and she told me about having second thoughts and she was obv upset about what happened before. I said I was willing to try when we got back, but she never said yes or no just that she needed time really.

I came back from Xmas and we had exams, so was focused on them and didn’t want to deal with this until after that, my impression was that we were going to figure it out after that. GF says her impression was that we were done.

In this timeframe she then went out with another guy and slept with him once. She broke it off with him and came back to me and said she still wanted me. She told me about all of this straight up as she wanted to be honest.

At the time it upset me and she understood and apologised, we’ve been together since then for 2 months and it’s going great, she’s beautiful, makes me laugh and supports me but I just cannot stop thinking about this. I thought I’d forget about it once we were together but it keeps on nagging at me.

I feel like if I end it over this, I will be kicking myself for years for throwing away this girl over something that wasn’t even ‘cheating’

I really don’t know what to do. Any advice?

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Castle_of_Aaaaaaargh t1_jee76ll wrote

Recognize how fortunate you are that she even stuck around. Getting blown off and rejected, that you’ll “think about it” for over a month before getting back to her… most people would assume you’re not interested at all and move on.

I dont have advice for letting this bother you less, except to accept that YOU made all the flakey choices that lead to her seeing other people.

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ThrowRAspaghetti666 OP t1_jee8zyz wrote

You’re right about my choices resulting in it though, she said it herself that she was so unsure what I wanted to do and what I was thinking

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ThrowRAspaghetti666 OP t1_jee85l9 wrote

I am lucky. Very. I recognise that. I don’t think what I did was wrong though, I was genuinely unsure whether I was ready to be in a relationship with someone. I understand that this ‘limbo’ was hurtful for her and I’ve tried my best to make up for it.

I also didn’t think about it for over a month, sorry if the post was unclear, it was probably a week until I message saying I was willing to try when we were back at Uni - we live in completely different places so couldn’t see each other even if we wanted to for a month.

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dianaprince76 t1_jee7lv6 wrote

You have treated this girl poorly by jerking her around. It’s not like you were getting married or have a baby or commit to being together for life, we’re talking about being in an exclusive relationship so not sure what your issue is. You are very lucky she’s giving you the time of day and she has NOTHING to be sorry about.

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ThrowRAspaghetti666 OP t1_jee8lto wrote

You may be right, this is my first experience with this type of thing and I am trying my best. I agree I am very lucky, do you have any advice on how I can forget and move from this? I almost wish she never told me.

Even if she did nothing wrong it still upsets me and how do I move past it ?

Thank you for responding

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sliverofoptimism t1_jeeb4of wrote

You just….do? She didn’t wrong you, this has nothing to do with you. You weren’t dating and she dated someone else. How does that impact you? You have every signal to her to move on and she did. You weren’t LDR or anything, you were just keeping in touch with someone you later decided to date.

Are you sure you’re ready to date? Somehow feeling slighted by actions before your relationship isn’t a great signal if that

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ThrowRAspaghetti666 OP t1_jeecawy wrote

It’s like an earworm, I just can’t get the thought of her with this other guy out of my head. Then I start getting annoyed with myself for letting it happen in the first place. Whenever I’m doing nothing it’s the first things that pops into my head and I don’t know how to stop it.

I can’t control it. Will it just stop with time? It’s always worse when I’m not with her.

Thank you for your response though. It’s kind of what I need to be hear

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sliverofoptimism t1_jeetnh0 wrote

Sounds like intrusive thoughts, do those happen with other things or just jealousy?

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ThrowRAspaghetti666 OP t1_jef76s2 wrote

I’ve not really had them with jealousy before, I guess I’ve had them in terms of worrying about other stuff like health.

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ThrowRAspaghetti666 OP t1_jeeczgt wrote

I think it hurts because at the time this happened I wouldn’t have gone out with another girl because I thought we were figuring things out together.

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sliverofoptimism t1_jeettlo wrote

I feel like if both parties are actively working on something you shouldn’t be going out and dating, but I thought I understood from your post you weren’t even really talking over the break, taking a really long time to respond, right?

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ThrowRAspaghetti666 OP t1_jef72gh wrote

We were talking every couple of days over the break, when I got back I didn’t communicate because of exams. I thought we had things on hold until they were done, she thought that it was finished. 😕

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Gosc101 t1_jee9r3u wrote

You have left her hanging and insecure about future. How she acted at that time is no indication, how she will act in relationship with you. Appreciate that you have her.

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ThrowRAspaghetti666 OP t1_jeecwit wrote

You’re right, and I do. It doesn’t matter why I did what I did the result for her was the same.

It’s just this keeps weighing in my mind and I don’t know how to stop it.

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ThrowRAspaghetti666 OP t1_jeed3c4 wrote

It hurts because I wouldn’t have seen any other girl when was seeing this other guy. We were clearly on different pages but it doesn’t change the fact that it hurt me

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