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mercifulalien t1_jeamvu9 wrote

>How do I effectively meet the needs of and communicate with a Giver who is unable to articulate their needs and expects them to be met without communicating?

Now, I'm no psychotherapist, but even I know you can't do that, especially when the things you do attempt to do without any prompting or feedback are never enough.

I fail to see how you're nothing but a "taker" when you've made innumerable attempts at giving what you think she may need, asking what she needs and even suggesting counseling to try to break the communication barrier. Sounds like a classic way to lay all the blame of her shortcomings in the relationship on you so she can avoid having to address her own issues. Either that, or she's upset you aren't a mind reader - which I don't think I need to point out is a totally unrealistic expectation.

Honestly, this just sounds toxic. She is setting you up to "fail", letting it go on for months and then exploding on you. Rinse and repeat. I am thinking she may not really be in the best place to be in a relationship.

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HiCommaJoel OP t1_jeanl10 wrote

I appreciate your directness.
I realize in reading it that I am hoping for someone to call me on my BS and tell me directly what I could do differently or what I am not seeing.

I realize also that's something I have internalized over the last 6 years - it's me, all I have control over is me, I can do better. I am grasping for what that is, though.

Maybe it is in vain.

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mercifulalien t1_jeatpp9 wrote

>I realize in reading it that I am hoping for someone to call me on my BS and tell me directly what I could do differently or what I am not seeing.

That’s understandable. You've invested a lot of yourself into a 6 year relationship and you're hoping someone will see something you aren't so that you can be given something to fix or a way to fix it because your only options at this point are to live with it or accept defeat.

This is a her problem, though, and not something you can fix for her.

It's really unfair for you to be made the scapegoat of her lack of boundaries and inability to communicate, to be made to feel as if you are doing something wrong because she has an unrealistic expectation of you being able to simply sense what she wants/needs and act accordingly with absolutely zero input from her. It's too much to ask for her to put the responsibility of her boundaries on to you. Not just respecting a well-communicated boundary, but formulating and enforcing them for her. It's not fair to you that your attempts at connecting with her are practically dismissed with an implication that meeting you at that halfway point is on par with humouring a toddler helping to "wash the dishes" (you know you'll end up with more of a mess than what you began with and probably a broken dish, but its cute that they wanted to try).

If she can't or refuses to communicate and also refuses to accept the suggestion of help in learning how to do so in your relationship, while simultaneously lowkey laying all the blame and responsibility of that on you... I don't see any of this changing. You'll get burned out trying to shoulder the whole relationship, if you haven't already.

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HiCommaJoel OP t1_jeav1gr wrote

> on par with humouring a toddler helping to "wash the dishes" (you know you'll end up with more of a mess than what you began with and probably a broken dish, but its cute that they wanted to try).

This really hits home. My Mom was exactly that way - "you can help by getting out of the way", so it is triggering.

Funny how people can find relationships that recreate dynamics like that.

I appreciate you and your reply, plenty to think on.

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