I (23F) feel like a horrible person because I am not sure I can continue supporting boyfriend (26M) with his addiction problems.

Submitted by Tired_penguin9678 t3_127l2p0 in relationship_advice

Me (23F) and my boyfriend (26M) have been seriously dating for a while. From the start of the relationship he has told lies of omission about certain things he is/has been addicted to and currently seems to be getting worse in terms of how many things he is using and anytime I try to bring it up because I feel like I should be privy to that he gets very defensive or I just get the feeling he is lying.

I really don't think that I can continue supporting him because lying is sort of a dealbreaker in general for me but I also think I would be a horrible person if I broke up with them and then they OD'd or drank themselves into a whole because of me. They really don't have a support system readily available and I know that I am their closest person in their life. Additionally, we have built a life together and I know that it would really set him back in life if we broke up but I just feel like I have supported him so much already and I'm struggling myself too and I think it may be because of the stress associated with trying to care about them and make sure things don't get too out of hand.

I really don't know what to do or how to help them and think that if I broke it off with them it would make them spiral.

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trishsf t1_jeek7qo wrote

I’m sober. Nobody OD’d because of you or drank themselves into a hole over you. It’s what we do and it has nothing to do with you. You obviously are in a pattern of choosing men with addiction issues. First. Go to Al-anon or Nar-anon. It’s for people who love addicts or alcoholics. You will learn so much. The most important thing you will learn is that you can’t fix these people. We have to want sobriety. I would suggest seeing a therapist. You do not want to build a life with an addict or alcoholic. We destroy everything good in our paths. We lie cheat and steal to get what we need. It’s a terrible life and it never ends well. Leave this relationship. Go to some meetings. See a therapist.

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Tired_penguin9678 OP t1_jeepzet wrote

This is actually the first relationship I have ever been in with someone who has any type of addiction problems. I didn't know he was at first obviously but then he started smoking around me and then one night after he stayed over I found pills in his pants and he lied to me about what they were saying they were just supplements. I have been seeing a therapist so hopefully things get better. I just feel so bad because I feel like I am giving up on them.

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trishsf t1_jeezeie wrote

You can’t help an addict. The only person who can help is the addict. He has to want to be sober. Then he would need to commit to sobriety. I really suggest Nar-anon. Ask your therapist about it. It would really give you more insight into the mind of an addict (scary place) and help you realize that you are powerless in this situation.

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YourRAResource t1_jeek0je wrote

You need to understand that you matter. You're focused entirely on him and how he might feel and/or what he might do. But what about your happiness? Should you just resign yourself to being unhappy?

You have a lot of life left to live. You don't want to spend it miserable. You're not responsible for what might happen to him if you leave. Is he putting the same thought and effort into worrying about your feelings while constantly lying to you? Put that into perspective. Good luck.

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spicylimes t1_jeekjb2 wrote

It won’t be easy, but you can do it because you love him. Continuing to keep his life comfortable enough that he doesn’t need to change would be enabling his addiction, which isn’t good for him either. You can make a hard choice while also loving and caring about him. His addiction and his reaction to your boundaries is not your responsibility to manage, and doing so actually handicaps him, doesn’t support him. Separate who he his from the addiction he is struggling with. If it’s your goal to be a supportive force in his life, you can’t do that effectively if you are struggling to keep yourself okay. You matter, and he matters, love the both of you while he is too sick to.

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Rudy_Trollbert t1_jeetn93 wrote

Stop focusing on him and focus on yourself.

What do you want for you, your future and your future kids?

It is okay to be selfish, especially when it comes to the health of your future.

I know it is easier said than done, but leave. Your future self will thank you for it.

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