My (24F) boyfriend (27M) expects me to do all household chores alone

Submitted by xwhatslifex t3_1271uaq in relationship_advice

I (24F) have been with my boyfriend (27M) for a year. We are planning on getting married within the next year or so. I casually mentioned during a conversation that we both would have to split the household chores once we are married and are living together. He became very agitated and said how can you expect me to wash “your” laundry or wipe “your” floor. I was shocked to learn that this was his way of thinking and that he expects me to do everything alone just because I’m a woman. I told him that since we both have jobs outside of home one person can’t do it alone.

Now I am torn because I really love this guy. But I’m not sure I can be with someone who would treat me like that and think of me as his “maid”.

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bezrodnyi-kosmopolit t1_jec47cd wrote

Honestly it’s such a disgusting misogynist thing I would 1000% break up with him. But I assume you want advice other than just breaking up.

Tell him you’ll never marry him or move in with him if that’s his intention.

And you 1000% need to live with him before you marry him to see what living with him is like. Don’t assume he will behave ANY differently once you’re married. You marry exactly the person you marry, don’t expect them to change.

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BeltalowdaOPA22 t1_jec52e2 wrote

Well, he's told you how he's going to treat you, so if you stay with him, you know that you are going to be his maid. Is that what you want?

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polvre t1_jec59ak wrote

He is blatantly telling you that he believes his time is more valuable than yours. He doesn’t see you as an equal. He doesn’t want a partner, he wants a maid.

Thinking about marriage one year into a relationship is also pretty quick. I think this goes to show that you really don’t know a person in that amount of time. If for whatever reason you still want to marry him, live together first and see if that’s how you want the rest of your life to be.

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gardenclue t1_jec6pfu wrote

I would highly advise pre-marital counseling for everyone. You will walk through the biggest things that cause couples to break up and talk about in a structured and moderated way.

I would suggest a conversation where you express how disturbed you are by your previous conversation on the housework topic. I might suggest taking a quiz designed for pre-marital couples to look at where you agree and disagree on key topics. I’m having a hard time believing that housework allocation is going to be your only sticking point.

From there you can look at the big picture and decide if it is time to move forward or move on from the relationship.

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AuntyVenom t1_jec7qw2 wrote

I mean, it's fine to separate out laundry. My partner and I don't do each others'? But wipe "your" floor? Have you talked about what it means for you to wipe "his" floor? I mean, a floor's a floor & everyone dirties it. It doesn't sound to me as if he wants you to do all the chores, but you need to talk with him about an equitable distribution before you marry (and if you can't, do not marry).

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ItsAllALot t1_jeccm8u wrote

I watched my mother break her back living this way for decades. Even when she worked full time, she did 100% of housework, cooking, laundry.

When she died, my father assumed I would be taking over the "women's work". I haven't lived there for over 20 years. (He was not so politely informed he'd be doing it his damn self or paying a cleaner, obviously.)

You don't want this life. Trust me.

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Disastrous-Panda5530 t1_jecquv2 wrote

My husband thought the same. His mom always did everything and he only had to take out the trash. I told him I absolutely will not do all the work. I was in school full time but also working too. I hate when men think it is the women’s “job” to do all the household duties and her also expect her to contribute financially. Because by there logic it is the man’s job to bring him the money so wtf would I be expected to do both.

I put my foot down and my husband is much better about the division of labor. Plus our kids are older so they chip in as well. This is something the needs to be addressed before marriage IMO

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UnquantifiableLife t1_jecvojm wrote

Time to nope right out of this relationship. He wants a bang maid, not a partner.

You can do better.

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