My (20F) boyfriend (21M) seeks absolute fairness in the relationship and it's stressing me out

Submitted by ThrowRA_Chinatsu t3_127y6mj in relationship_advice

At the beginning, he made it clear that he sees no difference between being female and male in terms of how they're treated and that he expects equal treatment within the relationship. I thought this meant more so financially, so it didn't bother me at first as I didn't mind contributing financially. It does feel a bit awkward when he always asks to split the bills when we're outside as I would much prefer a he pays this time and I pay next time, etc.

What does bother me is that he is unwilling to do anything if I am not doing it / have not done it for him before. If I were to ever ask him for a favor, plenty times he would respond with "but you don't do it" and refuse to do it. These are usually referring to small favors such as picking up food on the way home or asking him to give me updates on his day when we're apart. Even when he does ever agree, he makes sure to drop a "you need to do this too next time."

The worst part is that this "equality" applies to negative aspects too. If I we ever have an argument over something he did, he would admit that he was wrong, but immediately switch to "but you did ___ last time" and try to bring up any similar things I have ever did in the past and call me a hypocrite. Then the argument would start to be about some random "resolved" issue we've had in the past.

Even on low days when I ask him to comfort me emotionally, he'll respond with "but I want emotional comforting too." It just constantly feels like everything in this relationship is transactional and I'm constantly stressed by not receiving the support I need when I need it without having to worry about meeting up to his expectations.

TLDR: Boyfriend refuses to do anything unless I do/have done it too and uses my mistakes in the past to justify any of his current mistakes, all calling it being "fair and equal"

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trishsf t1_jegd18t wrote

This sounds like a terrible relationship. Seriously. Run. Not healthy. Relationships aren’t 50/50. Sometimes they are 80/20. Or 20/80. We choose each other every day. You have a negotiation. Not a relationship.

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NightOwlEye t1_jegd56i wrote

In relationships, you help each other. You are in a relationship with this guy, but he doesn't seem to be in one with you. You deserve better.

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dwells2301 t1_jeggrnf wrote

He sounds exhausting. Time to ask the question. Is this how you want to live your life? You can only change the situation, you can't change him.

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symphony789 t1_jegxi9n wrote

You are 20 and still have plenty of time.

Don't be in a relationship that stresses you out.

Also, relationships aren't always equal like that. Some days we have to help our partner more. They might get sick, and a good partner would help. One might be in a financial struggle for some time and need help. Some days, we just have bad days and need someone to care. Sometimes you have to give a little more to the other, and some days they have to give a little more to you. I understand wanting to split things like bills, taking turns paying every date night, taking turns getting food, but it sounds like this is a little more than that.

Regardless, if the relationship is stressing you out, don't be in it. I think his actions and behavior is something to think about--what if you get sick? Would he bring you soup? Help nurse you? Or would he note, because he hasn't been sick yet and received that same treatment?

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Orphan_Izzy t1_jegpsne wrote

Look up zero sum approach to relationships. Does it sound familiar?

Okay I found an article for you. This is not exactly what he is doing but in a way it actually is. Its within this framework of thinking and seems as destructive as straight up zero sum thinking. Basically it’s the idea that if one person wins the other has to lose and losing is not an option.

It almost sounds like he is trying to avoid this so much that he’s creating it to avoid it. Anyway the article should say more and more accurately. Its not sustainable though.

The Zero Sum Bias

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purpledaze1970 t1_jegx3c7 wrote

He sounds very petty and transactional. When I am sick, I don't want to be stressing about how I need to make up for it.

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Angel-4077 t1_jegrr12 wrote

Why are you dating him? He brings nothing to the table.

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QuitaQuites t1_jegyj4v wrote

Well, he’s young and immature, but also if that’s what he wants then it would make sense right that you would do him a favor and pick up food another time. Or sure take him to dinner one night, then see if he does the same, if he doesn’t then his theory of equality doesn’t have the best intentions.

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