My ex (26M) lied to me (26F) during breakup. I found out and I don’t know how to get over it

Submitted by sadgirlthrowaway32 t3_126v5yl in relationship_advice

My bf and I dated for 3.5 years. The breakup came so suddenly about a month and a half ago when he said that he has a lot of problems that he needs to work through (namely seeing relationships as prison etc) alone. This was right after we had conversation in January that we don’t see us breaking up in the next couple of years and thinking seriously about getting engaged.

During the breakup he said he loved me very much but he also said that he can’t handle my emotions while he is trying to work through issues which is fair. He said that he will focus on himself and is not looking for someone new and that he would be thinking about getting back together etc. basically reevaluating our relationship.

A couple of days ago he handed me his laptop and he received messages from girls which popped on the screen. And then on our common ipad I saw tens of girls he is messaging. I was fuming. First of all, he should have been a lot more considerate and respectful so that I didn’t have to see those messages. Now I can’t stop thinking about them. Second of all, it feels like he made no effort to fix himself and went right back into “finding someone new” especially in the light of so many issues he has.

I am extremely disappointed, angry and hurt. I confronted him about his disrespect and lies but he saying he thinks he was being at the time which I don’t know what that means. How can I move past this feeling of betrayal? Or how should I frame this issue as if not betrayal? Also the fact that it is tens of girls just is mind boggling to me and feels like extra disappointment.

Tl;dr my ex bf lied to me and said he would work on his issues but now he is trying to meet up with tens of girls. I don’t know how to handle this or frame this.

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Cotheron t1_jeb0iax wrote

He's an ex. You don't handle this, you stop all contact with him, block him everywhere and stop caring what he does with himself now. You are no longer together and therefore, as sad as it is to say, he can do whatever he wants.

You need to get over this, cut him off and not allow his toxicity to impact your healing.

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sadgirlthrowaway32 OP t1_jeb1mso wrote

I understand this as a concept but the issue is I can’t get over his dishonesty.

On top of this he recently moved out and we still haven’t shared stuff, made decisions about our cat etc. He wants to wait until June to do that and it is killing me.

He also finds weird reasons to come into the house and even took my luggage to take his stuff. He didn’t even ask if he can use it…

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cinnamongirl73 t1_jeb9edu wrote

Ummmmm it IS a betrayal and a lie. He just showed you WHO HE TRULY IS!!! BELIEVE HIM!!! You need to go NC with him ASAP!!! Leave him in the rear view.

I wish you luck!

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sadgirlthrowaway32 OP t1_jeba1gj wrote

I have this nagging thought there is smth that I did that makes me worthy of whatever he did to me. Like if I was prettier or better he wouldn’t do this to me… it is very hard to get over that.

It’s also funny bc him and his friends said multiple times that he would not find someone better than me as a whole package

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cinnamongirl73 t1_jebeecu wrote

Ok, Pep talk time!!! You are WORTHY!!! Of a BETTER MAN!!! Repeat that!!! He is NOT worthy of YOU! Look what he just did. He proved it. He KNOWS you’re struggling with all of this, especially now that he knows and he’s going to do WHATEVER HE CAN TO KEEP YOU ON THE HOOK!!!

The next time he shows up, tell him he better have your stuff (luggage, etc) you’re making the decisions now. You’re keeping the cat, give you the key, find a roommate, move, do whatever you have to do, but take charge, but when you do, make sure it’s to end it. He’s already shown you who he is. You can’t “help or save him.” All you can do is turn your back on him. And girl, I KNOW it hurts, but the quicker you do it, the sooner you will heal!

You have to do this like ripping off a band aid. Make it quick, it’s less painful. Trust me. When he’s not there to remind you of his presence, it WILL FADE AWAY!!!

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